To whom it may concern…
Clayton is not doing well.
I've been in California all week... in the bosom of allegedly sunny Santa Clara. I'm still here in a literal capacity, but I just don't feel here. This valley of quirky eccentricity where highways are built out of silicon and the lanes are measured in microns is probably the closest thing my generation has to the wild, wild west. The gunslingers and maverick cowboys sport unkempt, often long hair and plushy physiques to protect their minds sharp enough to cut diamonds in a soft outer shell. Coffee is as abundant as water in the ocean and everyone has a story to tell. You can never tell if the person next to you in worn jeans and a t-shirt is a panhandler or a innovative hundreds-of-millionaire that designed the doomahicky that you and your broadband complacent lifestyle can't live without. In the midst of forward looking innovation and true geekdom in it's most exciting form, I feel empty and lost. My career that I once loved has been deduced to motions that I go through during the day so periodically I'll receive tiny ducats I can spend on things like food when I'm able to eat and reality numbing alcohol. I cry a lot and frequently it is without provocation. All the things I tried to achieve, who I am and tried to be, my experience and personality... all have become meaningless to me. I look around at people living life and making a difference and I am not that person anymore. I was happy and breathed in life. Now, I can barely breath at all and am good for nothing and to no one... most especially myself. I simply exist.
Turn on the news and laugh at the Republicans. Don’t lament over the state of things, concentrate on the humor of the puckering bungholes.
Sign up as a big brother. http://www.bbbs.org/
And don’t think about the negative crap that brings to mind, put your intelligence, culture, and kind heart to good use - and feel good about it. Just do it, make a visible difference, etc. You can do it, angst is hell, life is right here.
And if you need a friend, you know I’m around.
I have typed and retyped this comment over and over before I realized that the reason it sounds so wrong is because there are no right words.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I will keep you in my prayers.
It’s impossible to describe what happens when you no longer know who you are. I’m in that place right now, though not for the same reasons you are. My husband is here, my children are here. Hell, even my dogs are here, yet I find myself crying myself to sleep at night and losing touch with all that I thought I was due to some losses I’ve had in my life recently. I think that is why I am so interested, if not driven, to your blog. I don’t think of killing myself but I often think that it would be better if I just wouldn’t wake up. It takes too much energy to get through the day most days but I can’t tell that to anyone around me and it helps to read that in your blog and know I’m not alone. Your loss is so much greater than mine and it gives me hope that you’re surviving it. It worries me that you wrote, “Clayton is not doing well.” Don’t give up, Clayton. I know you don’t know me at all, but I’m praying for you.
Bro, you need to get your ass down to my house when you get back in town… We need to try that new crown XR and shoot the shit.
Hope Sunday is a little better for you.
Just take it one minute at a time. Life will never be the same but you will find meaning and joy in new and unexpected ways. After my husband died things that seemed very important no longer seemed worthwhile. It will start to come back after some time but I don’t think your mindset ever goes back to the way it was before your loss.
Your loss is still so fresh. Just be kind to yourself and all the time you need to grieve. We all have our own timeline and we all grieve in our own way.
Hang on to your faith that is the only thing that will get you through. You are in my prayers brother
Just hoping you’re doing ok. I don’t know… the words just seem ridiculous because of course you’re not ok but I guess I’m just trying to let you know I’m thinking about you and hoping you’re getting by.
Why haven’t you utilized the two ay emm call me button?
No platitudes. No pressure. Just presence, and as much warmth as I can offer via LD. Hit me up, kid.
hello? Anyone there? Could ya throw us a bone and let everyone know you’re ok? Pretty please? Pretty please with a cherry one top? (I don’t remember what goes after the cherry one top stuff) but… Pretty please with whatever goes afrer a cherry on top? lol
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