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Time, like almost every single aspect of my life, has taken on new meaning. Even when I am surrounded by friends or public, I am completely alone. On some level, as an ignorant man trying to stand on The Word, I know that I'm not alone at all. I know that Agape is mine to give and receive and in this I should find comfort, protection, and healing. To hear, say, and believe with my most faithful and poised steadfastness doesn't seem to make it so when it comes to this desert of my emotion. I feel that time isn't healing as advertised. I have always been mild tempered and laid back, so it isn't with surprise to find that anger or the strife of bitterness are not in the palette before me, but rather a depth of sorrow that no man should be faced with... a black chasm filled with nothing but the pain of my sadness. The memories of her beaming life and unconditional love that cause me to instantly burst into tears at any moment are the tender tethers that keep me from being swallowed up by it all. My God, how I love and miss her. I fear I wasn't a good enough husband and find myself reflecting on the myriad of moments that I could have turned left instead of right when choosing an action... how I could have been more... been better... how I could have protected her. I have no direction but ahead and there is nothing but fear and uncertainty on the horizon. I am so far on the other end of the spectrum from where I was less than 2 months ago that it simple doesn't seem real. The pain is real. I have been trying to stay busy doing "things" and dodging being physically alone despite the island within myself. Friday evening Ted and I attended the Houston performance of Video Games Live at the symphony. It was very good. They had a variety of special performances and guest composers. It was not only the largest symphonic presentation I've been privileged to witness (about 132 musicians on stage), it was also the first time I've seen a full choral accompaniment. The vocal addition of a full chorus can only be described as epic. I think all the special attendances were attributed to it being the largest production in the running history of the tour. Saturday I spent the day alone save a short mountain bike ride on some trails near my house. It was nice to get out once I was on the trail, but it was an internal battle to make myself get out and do it. Today, I'm going to church and am scheduled to eat dinner at Sam's. Most of the time in-between those few events is spent weeping, wailing, and generally miserable. I would quite possibly make the worst Hallmark writing contributor in the history of man at the moment... unless of course they came out with a new, all black, EMO line of cards. Bah-dum-dum. *splash* Come back tomorrow night... try the veal. I'll be here all week.