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The pets have had their breakfast. Sean is still asleep. The house is quiet and I'm still coming out of sleep. Guy Forsyth, as he usually does, performed a great show last night. I wept in the shadows during a few heartfelt lovesongs, but overall I was in good spirits the rest of the time. I didn't drink too much and tried to stay engaged in conversation. I was already weary from the too little sleep I've been getting recently, but all the effort to act normal in public wears me down. By the end of the evening, I was so exhausted I couldn't think of much but sleep or the promise of it. My life without EL is very difficult to explain. There is so much time throughout my waking moments where I feel completely disconnected... like I'm reaching for something that I can't see to grasp. Even my memories of her are moving targets. When I see her things in the house, I know somewhere inside my mind that those are my wife's things and what that means to see them, but it is far away behind a wall, inside a room, and muffled. It's is far enough away that I have time to shift my thoughts to something else before the gravity takes hold and I'm trapped. I feel a little guilty for dealing with some of this in that fashion, but reconcile my guilt by acknowledging it's there for me to deal with someday and I can't run forever. Maybe I'm just justifying. I miss her so much. I have come to realize that it isn't just her I miss, but I miss being loved by her, being the man in her life, being her husband. All those things will sculpt a man into something greater than he is as a singularity. Naysayers may never understand, but to be the shining light in a woman's life and to give that love in return is one of the greatest gifts we can experience here. It is living that only in memory that contributes to my depression. I believe my wife is happy and safe with God. I selfishly want her, but know she is better with Him than I. Having everything a man could wish for in a lifetime, then losing it in an instant, leaves me to wonder how mending is possible much less how to accomplish it. Patience and time. It just hurts so much.