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I hurt.

Outside: I obliged my employer and joined "the guys" for a few beers at an icehouse down the street from our office yesterday afternoon. One of the gents was going on vacation and the other had a particularly hectic day. They both wanted to investigate the libations and I didn't want to be antisocial. I made my exit after an hour or so of small talk, work talk, a few jokes, and more work talk. It happens without even thinking about it when co-workers that don't usually hang out with each other outside the office find themselves doing that very thing. I had previously offered to help a friend out with some photography time to build a portfolio for herself. Last night was the shoot. I was feeling bleh from my worries about work, Henry, and my alone-ness. I was concerned that I would basically be completely introverted when I needed to be communicative and directing during the shoot... so I drank some more. I drank at dinner. I poured a drink when I got home... and so on. I didn't even realize I was doing it until after it was done and I was lit. I managed to fumble through the shoot. I suppose I don't really have a point to the story other than I acknowledge now that I was trying to hide in the bottom of a glass and it didn't really work out as subliminally planned. I did however, wake up this morning with a smashing headache and my neck and back in knots. I must have slept in an awkward position. Ouch. Inside: I feel like each day that goes by, I have to reach a little further inside to find the memories of Erin that were on fire within me just a few short weeks ago. I exist in our house (formerly known as home) and feel so empty... so incomplete. A hollow man that needs to be filled up. I still cry every day at least once, but recently it's been less from the pain of a broken heart and more in desperation. I'm going to set up some counseling and already have the contact info for a highly recommended grief counselor, but even if the words hit the mark, it won't change the world I live in. I miss her so much. She didn't deserve to die. She was so wonderful. Everything about her was a precious gift and she never stopped amazing me. I am still finding little notes she wrote to herself... tears roll down my cheeks as I read them because they further illustrate how incredible she was inside. I wish upon no one the burden my heart carries. It is a weight I can barely lift. I love you Erin.