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I didn't cry very much yesterday. A clinically depressed person would call yesterday "a good day". I got up early, but started slowly. I had to drive to the south side of town to visit a client site to help them troubleshoot a problem they were having with their recent VoIP deployment. When I get up in the morning, before I gather my senses (I am not a morning person... at all), I seem to be numb to most everything. I see her stuff around me, but it doesn't really grasp me until I start waking up. I usually have trouble then... for a little bit. I cried on the way down there, but got myself until control before I arrived. I made it to the lobby, talked to the receptionist, began to wait for my contact... then it came again... I thought I was going to have to leave for a moment, but I managed to get through it before anyone showed up. The hours passed into the afternoon and I seemed to be doing ok until the drive home. There is a blur in my memory from then until later in the afternoon when I left to meet my ex-coworker and good friend, Joe. I am not sure exactly what happened. I know I was home. I know I looked through some old photos. I listened to a sermon about mindset and quality of life. I struggled with it. I prayed. I don't remember eating anything yesterday but a bite of Erin's cheesecake from the day before. I think I drank a Diet Dr. Pepper. The time escapes me. It all escapes me. Which beings me back to my biggest fear... memory fading. All I have left of her is what I carry inside me. The sentiments from our relationship are mere triggers that help being me back to a moment in time, a place, a conversation... a smell or taste... a feeling. The real substance of fulfillment in those things is within my mind and heart. I pray that I don't lose anything... not a drop of my life with her. I don't want to lose a precious second. The mere possibility of those things fading in my mind or me forgetting something completely terrifies me. Even in death, I need her still. Anyone can get on a soap box and share their opinions about how healthy that is, but until you see through my eyes, inhale across my lips, and survive with my heart, you can't possibly imagine. There are no words to build a bridge to here.

When I was but a young man I was wild and full of fire
A youth within my teens, but full of challenge and desire
I ran away from home and left my mother and my dad
I know it grieved them so to think their only boy was bad
I fell in with an outlaw band, their names were known quite well How many times we robbed and plundered, I could never tell This kind of sinful living leads only to a fall I learned that much and more the night I heard my Master call One night we rustled cattle, a thousand head or so And started them out on the trail that leads to Mexico But a norther started blowing and lightning flashed about I thought someone was calling me, I thought I heard a shout Then at that moment lightning struck not twenty yards from me And left there was a giant cross where once there was a tree And this time I knew I heard a voice, a voice so sweet and strange A voice that came from everywhere, a voice that called my name So frightened I was thinking of sinful deeds I'd done I failed to see the thousand head of cattle start to run The cattle they stampeded, were running all around My pony ran but stumbled and it threw me to the ground I felt the end was near, that death would be the price When a mighty bolt of lightning showed the face of Jesus Christ And I cried oh Lord forgive me, don't let it happen now I want to live for you alone, Oh God these words I vow My wicked past unfolded, I thought of wasted years When another bolt of lightning killed a hundred head of steers And the others rushed on by me and I was left to live The Master had a reason, life is his to take or give A miracle performed that night, I wasn't meant to die The dead ones formed a barricade least six or seven high And right behind it there was I, afraid but safe and sound I cried and begged for mercy kneeling there upon the ground A pardon I was granted, my sinful soul set free No more to fear the angry waves upon life's stormy sea Forgiven by the love of God, a love that will remain I gave my life and soul the night the Savior called my name (Marty Robbins)

Onward... I have been trying to get Joe to join me for a Guy Forsyth show for almost 6 years. Finally, he decides to make time. He took care of picking up the tickets a few weeks back since he lives close to the venue and we met last evening at McGonigel's Mucky Duck for dinner and a solo Guy show. Guy, a guitar, and a stage. He performed many of his well known original works (often re-arranged slightly to provide a slightly different perspective) as well as some American "roots" music covers that contributed to our culture as an evolving society. He also tossed in a few old Gospel tunes that were heartwarming. I saw Keith and Mandy for the first time in years it seems. I was able to tell them about Erin without breaking down. It was a moment of progress. As usual, I was moved and inspired by Guy's performance and even if just for a moment, I found a smile and appreciation for life outside myself. I took my camera just in case. Low light concert/documentary photography is difficult because of the ambient conditions. I've shot Guy a few times before in different venues over the years. February 2004 was the most recent that I've actually shared with anyone. I'll probably post a few after I take time to cull the proofs. I wasn't paying much attention to the photography... just the music.

Said Red Molly to James that's a fine motorbike
A girl could feel special on any such like
Said James to Red Molly, well my hat's off to you
It's a Vincent Black Lightning, 1952
And I've seen you at the corners and cafes it seems
Red hair and black leather, my favorite color scheme
And he pulled her on behind
And down to Box Hill they did ride
Said James to Red Molly, here's a ring for your right hand But I'll tell you in earnest I'm a dangerous man I've fought with the law since I was seventeen I robbed many a man to get my Vincent machine Now I'm 21 years, I might make 22 And I don't mind dying, but for the love of you And if fate should break my stride Then I'll give you my Vincent to ride Come down, come down, Red Molly, called Sergeant McRae For they've taken young James Adie for armed robbery Shotgun blast hit his chest, left nothing inside Oh, come down, Red Molly to his dying bedside When she came to the hospital, there wasn't much left He was running out of road, he was running out of breath But he smiled to see her cry And said I'll give you my Vincent to ride Says James, in my opinion, there's nothing in this world Beats a 52 Vincent and a red headed girl Now Nortons and Indians and Greeveses won't do They don't have a soul like a Vincent 52 He reached for her hand and he slipped her the keys He said I've got no further use for these I see angels on Ariels in leather and chrome Swooping down from heaven to carry me home And he gave her one last kiss and died And he gave her his Vincent to ride (Richard Thompson)