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I think deep down it is that for which I'm praying. Someday. Yesterday was relatively busy. I went to church and cried a lot per usual, but it is always good for me. Something interesting happened toward the end of the service though... something difficult to explain. There was a traveling missionary that was guest speaking at the church I now attend. Well, it was my second time in church in years, so I guess that counts as a step toward regularity. Since I have the intention to continue, I suppose it's ok to say "I attend". Maybe someday I'll be "a member", but I'm getting off the path of the story. This fellow was born and raised down under... in the outback (not the steakhouse). He has spent his life traveling Earth in complete submission to God and I don't mean in the secluded compound Kool-aid drinkin' and burying energy crystals in the yard kinda way, but rather in the most-humble-Christian-servant biblical kinda way. The way of original intention. As a result of this, not by his own claim, he has been given some sort of prophetic gift... like a modern day psalmist. This is not by observation as I don't know this guy from Adam, but through his actions in life as told by others. I've never been really exposed to that sort of spirituality in a person... intimacy with God that results in biblical genre events... miracles and healing and the like. Despite what most modern "Christians" think, we are somewhat sheltered. Anyhoo, near the end of the service he stops and says that he needs to touch some people and pray for them. I'm inconspicuously at the back of the room and the congregation, although small by most standards, was in full force and the room was relatively full. He picks a lady from the crowd and me. It was just that matter of fact... plucked. How completely odd, but in someway restorative. Obviously everyone has their own comfort level with religion and it is more often than not a topic a lot like your personal salary and finances... taboo and avoided in casual conversation... but I'll tell you I was intrigued by this guy's relationship with God. It was natural and flowing... unpretentious and visibly complete. Everyone in the congregation had put on their "Sunday clothes" as we used to call them as kids. Some were in slacks, dress shirts, and skirted dress. Some where in the nicer jeans from their wardrobe and unordinary ironed shirts... maybe the one they had with a collar. This man of God before us was in sneakers, worn jeans, and a Harley-Davidson shirt, but he could have been wearing the finest silk and you wouldn't have noticed a difference. The story of why he was there is another to tell, but really I said what I wanted regarding the church thing. The first time I went there was the week after I returned from Minnesota to visit my in-laws. That was a couple of weeks ago. I was moved by the pastor's passion for his job. He is a good man... a strong man that I immediately felt deep respect for yet barely knew. I found myself later that night with a strong and inexplicable urge to Podcast his sermons. Out of the blue... *kerplunck* Podcast the sermons. I don't know anything about RSS feeds and really didn't know anyone there at the time, but it was as clear to me as the stripes down the road that I needed to help them accomplish that task. So stand-by for more info on that at some point. I think it was witnessing someone that could give up everything to do what God needed him to do that allowed me to share my little piece of direction here as corny as it sounds. So back to current events. I was intrigued by this missionary prophet fellow from Australia. My pastor's wife told me he was going to be at a fellowship hall in The Woodlands that night and that I should go check it out if I was interested. I had plans to eat at Sam's, but I was really not having a good day internally. I had spent most of the morning before church in the depths of sadness alone at home and although the loneliness ebbs slightly when I am at church, I still am struggling. Sam's father was stopping in for a visit. Erin liked him and I've always enjoyed saying hello and making small talk when he was around. I decided I would skip the meal and stop by for a visit before going to the fellowship thing so I could do both. I was a wreck all afternoon and unfortunately unable to hide my emotion at Sam's. It was wise to not stay for dinner. I would have been the downer that no one needed to be around. I made my way to this place out in the boonies per the directions I was given earlier that day and found something quite afar from any expectation I had enroute. It was a revival. I would say old fashion tent revival, but the tent was an air conditioned building and there were no rattlesnakes to be seen. All joking aside, it was quite fulfilling when taken in the right context. The underlying initiative in these sort of things it to get people energized about their faith and encourage them to spread The Word to others. There are things that happen at revivals that are not scientifically explainable and thus cause the socially groomed intellectual to experience awkward moments of discomfort. I simply watched and took it all in. I didn't understand a lot of it, but the witness of so many people praising and worshiping together was moving. I stayed to the end and reflected on things. The path to salvation is short and readily available to even the laziest spiritual travelers, but the way to intimacy with God is long, arduous, and is paved with humble servitude and sacrifice. This is the lesson I learned yesterday. We each find our own way in our own time with a little help from above. I may not know what I'm doing in my completely upside down life, but I do know that in time, the map of the path will be provided to me. This morning I came into the office early. The hardest part of getting up in the morning is not the prospect of going to work, but rather leaving Henry. Erin always used to tell me how hard it was to move when she woke up with Henry curled up tightly against her and doing his best snuggling. I understand better now that I'm his only option. My boss, who was my friend before my boss, came in a little later and we were the only two there at the moment. I had emailed him while he was on vacation regarding these potential changes I'm hearing that would require more travel of me. It was more a statement of concern than anything else, but I needed to go on the record with my position on what is important to me. I can do the occasional day trip, but I'm no road warrior. I know that things would be a little different if I had no pets, but it's not entirely due to them that I feel this way. Living out of a hotel is not comforting no matter how good the room service can be. I could be anywhere in any circumstance with my wife and feel at home, but alone I find myself ungrounded and adrift. Work driven travel is a quality of life impact I am not positioned to deal with now or in the foreseeable future, so I was concerned over the prospect of change. I prayed about it and accepted that there is nothing I could really do to effect things out of my control. I tried to let it go. So this morning he listens to my thoughts and then tells me not to worry. He said I was extremely valuable and whatever I wanted to do, I would do. If that meant changing positions to support less travel, he would do everything possible to make that happen. I feel better about it now. We'll see how things work out. I'm really a reed in the wind now more than ever.