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Gi - Rectitude Yu - Courage Jin - Benevolence Rei - Respect Shin - Honesty/Trust Meiyo - Honor Chugi - Loyalty

Another day gone without the slightest consequence of time or conscience. Is that bad? Isn't that what I want to happen? Why live now when the sweetest delicacy and the most beautiful scene fall on a numb palette and colorblind eyes? Perhaps I need to lighten up... have a sense of humor for myself rather than the benefit of others. Ray Charles played a benefit for my former company before he died. One of the riders on his contract was a full length mirror was to be supplied in his dressing room for the duration of his stay. That, at least on the surface, is how I need to start living my life. It seems so much more cheery than the bottom of a bottle. I have been sick. When I say sick, I mean fucking sick. I spent most of last weekend in bed (read: couch) sleeping or in some quasi-conscious state. I fought the beast to a mere headcold and now it is a sinus infection... which sounds terrible, but really just is terrible. I never made that post the day after like I'd so genuinely planned. I just breathed in and out and watched the sun cross the sky. I lived 35 years of my life with an open mind and adventurous heart. Every day since EL's death has been a struggle. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how easy it would be to stop existing. I don't have a death wish... I just don't see much point in life either. Beneath my sarcasm and wit, there is indeed a spiritual being. One that loves and fears God and structures his daily life, no matter how painful it has become, around a moral code and belief. It is, unfortunately, the only thing that prevents me from giving up. That would, admittedly, be the easy thing to do. I just wait for some sort of direction. Lay it on me. This is bullshit. I gave Henry a bath today and trimmed some more of his mop. He is a handsome little dude (and I think he knows it). I closed out a million dollars in sales for the quarter today. I am not historically a salesman in the traditional sense, but I've adapted to my environment. People are people at the end of the day. Humans are easy. I should be elated at this marker in the progression of my fiscal year progress, but I really can't find much enthusiasm. It's enough to just put one foot in front of the other. I've slept on the couch every night for nearly a month. I think it had been years since I'd slept on a couch before this month. I don't know why I have been doing it. I just do. Of course, the occasional paw in the cheek or tongue in the eye are occupational hazards when you select such a path. Did you hear about the two Irish guys who left that bar? (pause) It could happen. *bah dum dum* My service contract with the people that host this blog is nearing renewal. I am on the fence about staying. Not that I intend to end this place, but I can't handle the hundreds (literally motherfucking hundreds) of unmitigated SPAM comments a day here. On bad days, there may be near a thousand SPAM comments. I need something with a human verification interface... you know, like those warped images of alphanumeric shit that you have to type into a request box to verify that you aren't a bot? Moveable Type (this publishing platform) apparently doesn't have such a plug-in... or at least not one that I'm aware of today. I have until mid-April to decide. It's late and I'm tired. I miss writing here almost as much as I miss having a desire to write. I am so empty. Spent. Tomorrow is nothing more than a number of a calendar. All the good parts of my life died last summer. ps. I'm not sure what to think about this Twitter crap.