For He Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. I will not, I will not, I will not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake not let you down - assuredly not! Hebrews 13:5-6
 |
It would seem from the outside looking in, that I am progressing. Faced with soon being alone in the house and having to go back to work, I know I really have to pull it together and be strong. These last few days have been extremely hard for me. I'm sure it is the combination of many things... going through photos to send to Erin's family, dealing with the medical examiner's office and funeral home again, the cremation of her body finally being a reality about to happen, etc. It is the quiet moments when it all floods in on top of me. Yesterday I collapsed under it all. It was all I could do to not vomit from the torturous pain in my tears. I find myself still incredibly weak and shaking often even when not an emotional wreck. The little reminders cut deeper than the obvious things in front of my face. I use my bathroom everyday for the usual showers, teeth brushing, etc. with all of my wife's toiletries and makeup just before me and a closet full of her clothes out of the corner of my eye and seem to deal with it on some level that doesn't cause panic. I got dressed yesterday and sat down on our couch to put my shoes on and found a long, golden, strand of her hair attached to the base of my shirt... perhaps it made it there when she had hung it up in my closet... it would seem for that small moment in time, for that instant, that piece of hair was my most prized possession on Earth. I cried uncontrollably as I wrapped it around my finger. It was as if someone was slowly pushing a knife into my chest. Even now, as I try to type this, I weep. She was my heart... my joy in life. I am trying so hard to gain perspective and remind myself that it's going to be ok. I'm going to see her again someday. My daily existence seems so empty. I've been filling it with spending time with friends and trying to get out of the house a little each day to do something... anything. It still feels like I am just doing the motions, but there is not a heart beneath my actions. I pray for some direction daily. God, how I miss her... what world is there to see if never to share with whom your heart is bound? I found a book she gave me for my birthday last year. She wrote inside the cover a short affirmation of love and I can hear her read it aloud when I struggle through the words. If it were physically possible for a human being to die of a broken heart, I fear you would soon be mourning one more. I know without doubt that God will carry me through this, but the burden of life without her can not be expressed in words.
I love you Erin.
Time, Clayton. Only time will help. As someone who has experienced deep and tremendous loss more than once, I can only advise you to let yourself hurt whenever you need to and take things slowly. Do what you feel you need to, to honor EL’s memory, that will help somewhat with the pain. Hang on to the things that make you feel close to her as long as you need to. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. And remember that she will be seeing the world with you, through your eyes, and guiding you along the way.
One thing I have always liked --no, loved-- about you is your faith, even though you are not often effusive about it.
There doesn’t have to be heart in anything you do, not right now. For now, just keeping on is important. Movement is life.
Post a comment