Safe travels my brother… come home soon.
"Trust in the LORD, and do good..."
I am disconnected. I really dislike sitting down to write some of my thoughts down here and it being repetitively dark and hopeless sounding. Is the soundtrack of my life skipping on the scratch? I don't intend it to be so, but it is just the way it comes out. I live in this limbo between normalcy and personal torture. I think there is some healthiness in acknowledgement, but healthy doesn't make it hurt less. I really had a hard time this weekend despite Sean's visit. His presence help immensely, but I can tell I'm dysfunctional. I cry a lot still... a lot. I suppose I'm impatient and am expecting too much. I try so hard to just let it come. Breath in. Breath out. Wait. Let the days pass and see how things are presented in my life. I'm been standing on my faith quite a lot recently and question my own strength. I'm thankful for the friends that I have and the life I've led to date. I am thankful for Erin. I have lived. I'm just scared... more so than I have ever been. Faith. "Never measure the height of a mountain until you have reached the top. Then you will see how low it was."
Sean must have been on New Zealand time yesterday. I finally woke him up at 3:00 pee emm to eat. I'd been up all day with Sir Henry and the 'ole tummy was grumbling. I didn't really care about any of the bands on the bill other than Deftones, so I asked Sean if he would mind us forgoing the other sets. We agreed and arrived at Cynthia Woods Pavilion about 10 minutes before they took the stage. Chino and his boys put on a fabulous show. I prefer the detuned and darker stuff ala Team Sleep, but from a live performance aspect, it was all good. They finished it up with Change and when we saw they were breaking down for whoever was next, we quietly left. It's an artifact of adulthood I appreciate more than most... selectivity. We stopped at El Palenque for some last-night-in-Texas Mexican food for Sean before catching the late showing of Clerks 2 at The Movie Tavern. Hilarious and very typical Kevin Smith, it will probably offend more than not, but a great follow up to the original. By the time we got home and played some late night video games over caffeinated conversation, it was late... or early depending on how you look at it. I was feeling my age and headed for bed while sleeping beauty stayed up through the night. Hopefully he slept on the plane. I got him to the airport by 7:00 and made it back to the home office in time for back to back conference calls that basically filled my morning. I have this overwhelming wave of sadness washing over me at the moment and I just want the day to pass as quickly as possible so I can sleep. These days, not being awake is the best thing I have to look forward to... that and waking up with Henry snuggled up against me.
I think you have to writewhat you feel—dark or light. You’re going through a time that none of us can imagine going through. The fact that you can log on and share some of your “stuff” with us is amazing. Hard to believe it’s two months in.
Yeah, I couldn’t sleep a wink last night so I just stopped trying. My sleep patterns have been so messed up for weeks now. The plane ride sucked. I had someone who didn’t habla enough to sit in his assigned seat so I flew back pissed off and too uncomfortable to really get but a doze here and there. I passed out sometime for a bit this afternoon but feel pretty loopy and slow. I’m going to eat and then, at a reasonable hour this evening, down some sleeping aides and set the alarm for fairly early in the morning. My car is totally bollocksed up right now and in addition to what it’s been doing I think I blew a plug and I’m going to do a little at-home check in the morning. In a few weeks I’ll be in a more normal state I think and back with some much needed routine.
Great trip though. Short, but, I enjoyed every minute of it.
The fact that you realize that you have no strength of your own and that you lean on your faith is a wonderful thing. During times like this we need God to carry us because we certainly cannot walk on our own. It says in Psalms 23 “yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me” I know that I was not afraid of death and wished for it at times after my husband died, but knowing that I do not walk alone sustains me even now.
You are not dysfunctional. You are grieving the love of your life. You have to live without your best friend, the one you had planned on spending the rest of your life with. It is okay to cry, I would be concerned if you didn’t. Peter has been gone for over a year and a half and I still miss him every day and cry for him at odd moments. Wanting to sleep all the time is normal too, part of being depressed. I went on a light anti depressant for a while and that seemed to make things a little more manageable.
You don’t need to post this on your page. I just wanted to give you my two cents. I hope you don’t mind and I have not offended you. I got a lot of help from others who had suffered loss after my husband died and I wanted to pass some on. Plus you have helped me with some of the things that you have written. I know that my loss is not the same as yours because I did not lose EL ,but I thought I still might help. If not just disregard.
God bless you my brother and keep your hand in God’s, he will get you through
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