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Erin's tree (photo by Dot Maxwell)

She walks in beauty, like the night Of cloudless climes and starry skies; And all that 's best of dark and bright Meet in her aspect and her eyes: Thus mellow'd to that tender light Which heaven to gaudy day denies. One shade the more, one ray the less, Had half impair'd the nameless grace Which waves in every raven tress, Or softly lightens o'er her face; Where thoughts serenely sweet express How pure, how dear their dwelling-place. And on that cheek, and o'er that brow, So soft, so calm, yet eloquent, The smiles that win, the tints that glow, But tell of days in goodness spent, A mind at peace with all below, A heart whose love is innocent! George Gordon Byron, Lord Byron. 1788–1824 Rain and dark skies seem to dominate the weekend. The sun would peek out from time to time, but for the most part it was stormy. The rocky road continues for me of course, but it is to be expected. I can't snuggle Henry enough. I feel incomplete through-out my day and battle the shakes like I have low blood sugar all the time. I teeter on the edge of nausea when I'm awake and fall asleep feeling like I am forgetting something. I am really trying to participate in life around me and have made some progress... baby steps. I went out for pub food and drinks with friends last night to a little place up the road. I would look across the room at happy people and remember how happy Erin always made me. Someday I'll be able to look at an elderly couple without wanting to burst into tears. I find that there are little triggers that set me off... unavoidable sentiments that pin-prick romantic dreams and plans to never be realized. On a lighter note, I laughed this week... belly rolling and out loud laughed... wanna pee your pants laughed... you know, that rare kind. Sean, Ted, and I went to see Nacho Libre at an advance screening on Thursday. It was a nice diversion. Sean and I went to the Houston Museum of Natural Science on Saturday to see the butterflies at Cockrell. I am trying so hard. It's difficult to explain. Emptiness and pain are the only words I can think of, but they don't really do a very good job. In the two weeks since her death, I have yet to be alone at home. Someone has always been around. Erin's body was cremated today. I can't bear to think about it, but it is comforting to know that her body isn't just laying in a funeral home refrigeration unit anymore. That was weighing heavy on my heart despite knowing that she was no where around. I was offered the opportunity to attend the crematory. I could not. I simply could not. I am supposed to be able to pick up her urn tomorrow. The final paperwork at the medical examiner's office is still not filed, thus preventing the release of her personal belongings she had with her at the time. She also has some personal effects at her employer's residence (where it happened), but I am not ready to revisit the scene for them... not just yet. Threads in the wind to be secured at a later date. Today, I am just worried about making it through today. Yesterday I had a similar goal. Erin brought joy to the lives of everyone around her... everyone she met was a recipient of her wonderful and caring nature whether they realized it or not. When she volunteered at the women's' shelter, she made some wonderful friends that I'd never met, but heard great things about on several occasions. They approached me about planting a tree in her honor someday and that day was today. I wasn't much more than a blubbering mess, but it meant a lot to hear these people go on and on about how amazing my wife was to them and how she had touched their lives and the lives of those around them... it wasn't any surprise to me of course! She was truly a blessing. The parts where they talked about how much she loved me and always talked about me were too much for me to take in. It is easy to get caught up in the fond memories and lose sight of the attachment to those emotions when you aren't part of them directly. I know they were only trying to cherish and honor her memory and not cause any additional pain, but it hurt so badly I felt like I was going to implode. In the end, it was a wonderful gesture and I'm glad that I attended, but the train wreck of emotion is nearly too much to bear. I know there is more coming, I just never know when exactly. For the moment, I am calm and other than the constant feeling of uneasy emptiness, I am ok... for the moment. My days are filled with spaces and moments... all of them commonly threaded by the wish that my wife was beside me with which to share them all. Earlier in the week, Sean told me about the Pandora project and since I think Erin would find this pretty cool, I'll share it with y'all now. Basically it is a music threading system where one song or artist can be linked to another through similar influences, melodic structure, etc. You enter a seed artist and the software will begin a stream that starts with the seed and then seamlessly continues through other artists that are in some way like the seed. Try it out... it's nifty. I'm going downstairs to watch Crash via DVD rental. I've not seen it, but I heard it was good. I go back to work tomorrow. I don't know if I'm ready, but I'm going to try. I want you all to know... whoever may be reading this... that your comments have helped. I read every single one with great appreciation. Even if I am not as communicative as I could be in reciprocation, your support is felt and cherished. I am still so confused about so many things as our little Etch-a-Sketch was just shaken clean. How do I continue? For now, I am struggling to just be. I pray that the rest will be presented to me at some point. Until then, it's one foot in front of the other on a path washed clean with tears. All my love... forever my wife. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. - Phillippians 4:13