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I drove to work this morning listening to NPR again. I only mention it because frequency modulation started collecting dust in my vocabulary when Erin and I discovered the goodness of satellite radio. I love my XM. I listen to just about any genre music, but Bluesville, Real Jazz, and Bluegrass Junction are some of the top programming they offer in my oh-so humble opinion. I have everything from downtempo ambient/electronica (XM Chill) to Christian (The Message) and adult progressive alternative (Squizz and Ethel) to classic rock (Boneyard) all at the touch of a finger... or in Erin's car, a few words spoken aloud. I wish my truck's voice recognition was as advanced as hers. I merely get navigation and map functionality via voice... maybe a band or preset change. Her car will do pretty much anything via voice command... driver/passenger temperature, fan speeds, all the radio and navigation features, etc. Sigh. She loved that car. I started it today for the first time in a month. Anyhoo, back to NPR. I was listening to the news and it was all about Iraqi this and Iranian that per usual. I was just about to switch back to my lovely XM no-calorie goodness when they segued into a story on asbestosis sufferers and their diagnosis leading to all sorts of subsequent media interest like lawsuits and speculation regarding the validity of the diagnostic medicine that confirmed their illness. It went on about how some doctors were under scrutiny for contributing directly to so many (by volume) cases of ex-occupationally exposed workers being diagnosed with residual medical debilitation, whether pulmonary or malignant, as a result of their exposure. Their method of diagnostics was under the microscope. Did they prove due diligence in positive confirmation? Did they just glance over some common symptoms that may meet the bill and wave the "probably" flag? Who knows? That has nothing to do with why I'm writing about this... I was dumbfounded that the people who were suing companies for the damage they allegedly accrued as a result of occupational exposure were, in fact, furious at the possibility that their case might be dismissed as a result of fraudulent diagnostic medicine. What this means is... there are people more concerned about the prospect of not getting paid for their terrible condition than finding out that they don't really have that condition in the first place. What kind of society are we breeding here? Get a second or third opinion. Be thankful that you have no grounds for legal pursuit of compensation if that is in fact the truth. If it isn't, then you are back where you started and there is no reason to be upset. For being so far removed from anything I relate to on a daily basis, I was upset by the story. When I was in the USN, I was trained and certified in asbestos removal. I had to perform an additional screening at each annual physical that tested my lung capacity and charted it's progress. I was like blowing into a tube with zero resistance for as long as you could stand without passing out... then keep blowing until you almost did pass out. I had lots of tests, pokes and prods, "vaccinations", etc. back then that I don't even think about now. I always thought that they could inject me with anything and I'd never know. Conspiracy theory 101. I did the first year or so of the anthrax vaccines when they first started issuing them to our troops in the 90's... coming to a vein near you. Between the pincushion the military makes of you when you are attached to a combat frequenting vessel and working in a nuclear power plant that would make Homer Simpson glaze his donut, the jokes about your kids coming out with an arm growing from their temple just never get old. It's a shame I never could put it to the test. Erin and I would have been good parents. Sadly, my lack of faith in the human condition eases the pain of never knowing a child of my own. How could I bring something I would love so completely into this world of pain and sociopsychological and environmental degradation? We are killing each other as fast as we are killing our planet.

COurtship

I am so lonely. I went to get a haircut this afternoon to pass the time. I came so very close to telling her to just shave it off. I mean, really, what do I care? There is more salt than pepper these days. It is hereditary on my mother's side. I don't mind it so much, but it does make me look a lot older than I would otherwise. There was a long waiting list to get the 'ole ears lowered so I went to the grocery store next door to buy toiletries. It was like I was moving in slow motion. I could feel my feet pushing the air aside on their way Earthward with each step. The world around me sounded like I was listening through the tubes of empty paper towel rolls and everyone was hundreds of feet away. Nothing really was sinking in, but rather washing over and around me. It took me 45 minutes to get a stick of deodorant, a tube of hair gel (for the hair I was about to get lopped off), a regular sized plastic container of mouthwash, some carpet freshener (the powder kind that is unpleasant to vacuum up because it makes you sneeze), and a ghetto box of wine. It's really a bag of wine... or a sack. I think they put it in a box so people aren't seen with their wine sack in the parking lot. Scandalous! So 45 minutes later (for something that should have taken less than 10), I was watching grey hair fall around me like a winter wonderland. I usually visit like a good southerner should, but I sat silently... still in slow motion. Would it end? When I got home, I set the wine sack (cleverly disguised as a box) next to the bottles I couldn't open the night before and settled in for the night. Time passed and here I am with nothing to show for it other than a lighter wine sack and a big, quiet house full of wishes for things that can not be... and memories. Put a big chalk mark up on the scoreboard for one more day successfully completed. Yay me.