"but now its time for me to go,
the autumn moon lights my way.
for now I smell the rain,
and with it pain,
and its headed my way.
ah, sometimes I grow so tired,
but I know Ive got one thing I got to do... "
I've been so remiss about maintaining continuity of posting for the longest time that I made a small self-commitment to contribute at least once a day to this site. So that begs the question... is it better to post for the sake of posting when there is no substance or just skip and not say anything at all? I'm not a big fan of talking to hear myself talk. Silence is underrated. Regardless, I feel compelled to demonstrate some stick-to-itiveness here.
I had to fight the temptation today to binge shop on the Internet. I find myself in these moods where I'm compelled to impulse buy. Usually I curb it effectively, but it was rough today. I did some Christmas shopping this morning. I am dreading the holidays. It is hard to differentiate the difficulty of everyday survival from that of making it through EL's birthday and our anniversary because they were so close to her death. As time goes on, I become more numb to the world and the sting of sentiment is more pronounced as the deviation from baseline is so greatly exaggerated. Thanksgiving and Christmas will be more difficult than I care to imagine at the moment. My mother asked about coming to visit and I know I have a list of friends that have offered to embrace me into their Thanksgiving Day. I'll be doing well if I can just be present in a social environment those days.
I have really been digging into the way-back machine over the last couple of weeks when it comes to music. I find lots of ambient, down tempo, trip-hop/electronica in the mix. I just seems more palatable in the evening when the last thing I want is to feel anything. I can get lost in it without committing to anything. Perhaps that doesn't make sense, but that is reality.
This project evolving at the office is foreboding a trip to California in the next month or so and I'm less than happy about it. Even though it's been a while, I feel like I just got back from the San Francisco Bay area. I'd love a little villa in the countryside... someplace quiet where I can be static for a while. Retirement would be too much to hope for, but one can always dream. I suppose I could just whore myself out for money and be the next male Anna Nicole Smith. There are just some lines that can not be crossed.
I'm going to attempt to sleep. Goodnight.
First the poem- It’s wistful and sad. To me it screams of giving up. I feel that way sometimes. I’d like to know who wrote that.
Next- I am guilty of being a compulsive shopper, and not just during the holiday season. I reason it by saying that I’ll hold gifts until the holiday or until birthdays and sometimes I do (but mostly don’t) but I love to buy gifts. It just makes me feel so good to do things for other people!!
The “poem” was written by Jimmy Plant and Robert Page. It was presented on the Led Zeppelin II album when first released October 22, 1969.
;-)
Strange, never a Zeppelin fan. Ah well- gives one reason for pause
I forgot to tell you this last night because I lost power here as I started typing… I read a book once about a woman who lost a child and as a reminder to herself she bought a pearl each year on the child’s birthday. Something small and intimate that only she would know. Maybe there is something that you could buy on EL’s birthday, doesn’t have to be jewlery (maybe something for your camera studio since she was so proud of your work) and that’s how you always have her “hand” in your life. Just a thought.
Obviously we don’t do Thanksgiving here (not on the actual day, that is, and not particularly well, because it’s just a novelty), but should you wish to take an “exotic” Christmas holiday, you know where you are ever-so-more than welcome.
You don’t even have to be social. :-)
would there be Guinness in it for me? ;-)
What do you think? :-D
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