Precipitating and Damaged …and God blessed me still.
 Autumn was always my favorite season. |
"husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. for no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: for we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. this is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself" - Ephesians 5There is a dichotomy in my daily existence that is difficult for me to quantify within the ignorance of my vernacular. As time passes there are two parts of me that co-exist at great distance. There is the shell of the man I was that goes to work each day and attempts to go through the motions of life in recovery with tiny steps of progress. He talks to his friends and answers emails to clients. He eats and bathes. He does the things that must be done to survive. Within the shell, there is another man that is equally me, but slipping further away from his public image counterpart each day. That me is dying inside. His heart breaks multiple times daily as if the wound were moments fresh. His life is no more fulfilling that a patient on life support praying for someone to pull the plug. The hardest part of my existence is not letting him take over. His kung fu seems to be extremely powerful, but I keep praying that I get some sort of direction that will help keep me moving through my day. My patience amazes me... I never knew I had so much. I am lonely and scared. I guess I've always hoped God would put bandage the spots that were hemorrhaging and tell me it's going to be ok, but my faith is just one more struggle on a list of many. I am trying. I can't see how I can go on here without my wife and the blessing of her grace in my life, yet somehow I still wake up each day to watch the sun drift across the sky... soaking in personal agony and self pity that I can't seem to shake. There isn't something someone can say or do to change anything in my life. I know that the only way out of here is through God, but despite my efforts to try and establish a better relationship, He is not allowing me to move forward. Apparently, He has something else in mind that benefits from my despair. I'm going out on a limb here and just putting it out there... try not to read into it. There is absolutely zero chance of me harming myself physically to speed along the process, so just brush that stereotypical shortcut off the table. The potential of many years of life as a widower for my one true love weighs heavy on my heart. No matter how exotic or beautiful, there is no place for me to travel and see that will bring me closer to her. No matter how prestigious or lucrative, there is no worldly success I could attain that will make this life enjoyable. I pass the time and miss her with everything that I am because her husband is all I am to be. Servitude is really the only thing I have left to live for because everything else is just futilely passing time.
Your honesty and wilingness to be be so open about your feelings is truly a gift. About a month and a half ago, I wasn’t sure you’d survive this. That, in your despair, you’d find a way to end your life so that you could join Erin. I’ve had family members end their lives—take the easy way out—and all it leaves is shattered pieces for those left behind.
Over the past few weeks, you’ve shown how strong you really are and I know you’ll survive and no longer worry that you’ll try to find the quick fix for your pain. Somehow your faith is helping bring you through this. I wish I could say I had that same kind of faith. Unfortunately, I don’t. When things like this happen, I fumble around in the dark trying to figure it out—try to wrap my brain around it and somehow understand why, how, and when. For me, having faith in a higher power to lead me doesn’t work and having faith that it’s all part of a big plan doesn’t make me feel any better. I guess I’m looking for direct answers to questions that no one can really answer.
Your faith is inspiring and I’m glad that you are able to find some kind of solace in the fact that your faith in a higher power, allows you to find resolution to your own questions.
Maybe, if there is a He, he’s waiting for you to decide what to do with it?
But don’t worry - it’s still so awfully, awfully soon, I think. The answer will come, one way or the other - from you, if not from Him.
My take, you should get your ass in therapy. Now, mate. This blog is not a replacement, its just a place to wallow and get feedback from folks who know about as much as you do about dealing with this. You need a pro, and to interact with groups suffering from loss face to face.
Erin would want you to be in therapy I have to think, whether He does or not.
Stay strong mate.
Hi Clayton. It has been a long time since I read your blog. It is so tragic and I am so sorry. Your wife Erin was absolutely lovely.
You are the only person I can imagine that could go through such incredible grief, documentit for the world to see, and while I sit here reading it all you suddenly bring a smile to my face and an audible chuckle at the same time:
“His kung fu seems to be extremely powerful...”
To me it shows incredible strength to still have your classic sense of humor in light of even the most dire of situations.
Hope to see you tomorrow night brother. :)
Keith
i just came across this site and once i read the current post, had to read back through the archives. what an incredibly moving account of your life recently. you must know how touched i am. how deeply i hope the very best for you. and how the entire thing reminds me how much I love my significant other. i cannot imagine what you are going through and how deeply it must hurt. but i know that this period of intense pain is going to pass for you.
Michael--- How naive and arrogant to think of self expression as “wallowing.” Self expression is an avenue to healing and restoration. Just one of the many “HE” has given us to bear our burdens- not to mention one of the most healthy options.
Keep up the incredible writing Clayton. There is healing in it, not just for yourself, but for those of us who grieve Erin’s loss and can not orchastrate the words ourselves.
I’m not talking about self-expression, Anonymous. I’m talking about blogging. Blogging should simply not trump professional therapy for something as serious as losing your mate. Clayton, like many others of our generation, is a do it yourselfer. CCIE, photography, higher education. Most of us are like that.
And this simply is too big a deal to trust to some internet kooks. As *one* outlet, sure. But this is one of those things that someone trained in this stuff is required.
Anyhoo, sorry for the tone and the word choice Clayton.
No offense taken… I have professional counseling in the plan at some point, but as much as it is suggested as a “right now” sort of thing, I am not ready to talk to someone about it in that capacity. I certainly can’t expect someone to understand the things going on in my life having not lost and been left the same way, so as I’ve mentioned before, I attempt to provide as much grace as possible for things coming out perhaps not the way intended. Further, I certainly have tried to not read inflection into the typed word as I’m in no position to be interpretive. I have put a lot of my support into my faith at the moment because that is what I feel I need to do… when I get to a point where I feel I need to talk to a professional, I’m sure I’ll give it a go. Maybe I’m not the best judge of what is right for me given the circumstance, but it is my mistake to make should I choose incorrectly.
Contact this UK org.
http://www.wayfoundation.org.uk/
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