Phone is off. Door is
Phone is off. Door is locked. Porch lights are off. I live in a nice neighborhood... there are plenty of fucktards to pass out candy. I don't need to contribute to pediatric dentists' Mercedes payments this year. I try so hard to clear my mind, but I just can't get away from all the shit that I would change if I could. I am flying to Colorado Springs on Tuesday. It's official. I'm probably buying the tickets and making hotel reservations tomorrow morning. I love snow. I miss it. Another thing I miss is the mountain air. I found myself slipping into domestic mode again this evening without even realizing it when the tape hit the VCR. My dear friend (and the closest thing I've had to a dad in so long I can't remember), Jean-Paul, is playing piano tonight at a nice Argentinean restaurant near my house. Harry is gigging in the village tonight and I'm sure that it's a good time waiting to happen as well... I just can't convince myself to leave the house. I'm not trying to be anti-social. It actually goes against my personality to be secluded and avoid interaction with people, but something is different these days. On the surface, I'm the same guy I always am to people that know me. Underneath, I've been an emotional yo-yo. Remembrance. Speculation. Reflection. Introspection. Yadda yadda yadda. I think too much. Finding escape in bottom of a bottle isn't answer and finding peace in music is just an excuse. The failures in my life are never covered up by all the successes. They just hang around and keep me company... asking me for a light or trying to bum some spare change. Those failures from my past need to quit smokin' and get a job because I don't have time for them anymore and their fucking up my constitution. I don't date because I can't be hurt again. It would be the end of me. I am realizing as I type this that I am not conveying my thoughts well because my mind is skipping through places no one can touch but me. I'll spare you. So many miles... so much time... sometimes I wish I could fly away and walk through the streets of yesterday.
dunno, C. I think you conveyed that pretty damn well. my own philosophy is that whilst my past has shaped me - for better or worse - it doesn’t exist at all except for what I carry around with me. only the single moment that is exists - it’s important to make the most of it. one runs the risk of missing out on great things though fear of failure and hurt.
But you know that, don’t you? :-)
Lisa..right on the button,,,,so why can’t we quit playing that same damn button.The memory once recalled(redundant) becomes real in our mind(Spinoza).Most of it comes from our super-ego to always be right,brave.say the correct thing,react in perfect ways,never feel we have FAILED. SO, do this the next time those memories come back. Acknowlege them,embrace them and then realize we are not perfect souls.we make mistakes, we fall on our ass and we are not super beings(like on the movies,TV). Say after me.."I did the best I knew how at that time so fuck off memeory.You cant touch me anymore.Now is now.
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