I wish I could tell you that time flies. The couple of weeks since I posted anything here seems like years. I've not been up to much. I eat, sleep, and work. Occasionally, I visit with local friends and such, but all these things are motions I do to pass the seconds on the clock. I don't particularly want to die, but I certainly have no desire to live either. My waking hours are filled with general apathy towards everything. I suppose I'm waiting for something... a sign, breakthrough, some clarity... anything. Some epiphany that will put perspective on my life and perhaps show me something I can find passion in once again.
On the order of daily details, I've pretty much been operating within the status quo and flying under the proverbial radar. I was in a local electronics store returning a faulty DVD when someone brought in an unopened 60GB
PS3. I impulse purchased it for the
BluRay player sitting in its belly regardless of whether I were to play any games on it or not. I've never owned one of those console systems (ala Nintendo, PS, Xbox, ad nauseam) and I find the controllers quite overwhelming to manipulate... almost unenjoyable. Of course, children now-a-days come out of the womb knowing how to operate the 15 buttons and 2 sticks protruding from the little alien devices. I went to a comedy show. I spent a weekend with my mother. I have been utilizing my fireplace more often and attempting to get out on my motorcycle more. I try to plan to photograph something... anything. It doesn't always work. Because of the upgraded
Flickr gift from
Jim, I've been posting more archived crap there out of a mild sense of obligation. It's been both good and bad to go through old photos. Good because I engage myself mentally to get behind the camera, but bad because I care so little for so many of the frames I've made. Work has been busy... or rather, I've been busy with it. I want so strongly to go on vacation... to distance myself from environmental normality with hopes I might shift in some way. I would love to go to New Zealand as
EL and I always wanted together, but it is such a distance that taking time off work to truly enjoy the trip is not practical at this time. I've thought of Europe, but I've been so many places there... where would I go? Perhaps Cambridge to visit
Lisa or far north in frigid Scandinavia. I've always wanted to visit Sweden since my father's side of the family boated over as little as three generations ago. My mother's side of the family has some Swiss heritage and I could visit relatives in Switzerland... or my dear friends Urs and Sandra (and baby Aline). For me, my loss may as well have happened yesterday as the pain has never dulled. I think I just cope better with it as time goes by, but it catches me often and without warning. Maybe our recent trip to Switzerland might affect my enjoyment of returning alone. There are always destinations within the continental US to consider as well... options. I have plenty of vacation time to spend, I simply have operational constraints on how many consecutive days I can get approved. Ironically, if I ask for more than 5 business days, the request must be approved by the CEO of my corporation personally. Amazing. Of course, I could just simply not go anywhere. At the time of this writing, it appears that is the most likely conclusion.
I'm sorry I've been aloof. I really have no intention to stop writing here. I just haven't been able to function well. I am not me. The weight crushing my heart is, at times, unbearable and I fear the wound will never heal. I am a shadow always near the sunlight, but never able to touch it.
"Do you remember the first kiss?
Stars shooting across the sky
To come to such a place as this
You never left my mind
I'm watching from the wall
As in the streets we fight
This world all gone to war
All I need is you tonight
And I draw a line
To your heart today
To your heart from mine
A line to keep us safe
All through the rising sun
All through the circling years
You were the only one
Who could have brought me here"
Heartbreaking.
Do you still take pictures of people? Or is it just stuff that catches your eye? I love your pictures and I’d gladly buy any you took. Seriously, you need to go back to doing that. I mean it.
I think I just cope better with it as time goes by, but it catches me often and without warning.
i’m sorry hun,..
you were waiting for this to change,..
it never does,..
this is just part of love.
but yes you do cope better as time goes on,..
take comfort in knowing that nothing stops time.
ever.
it will continue to continue,..
and yes you will continue to heal.
i was wondering if you could help me with something though
is passion found,..
or is it applied?
: }
and i am glad to know you here,.. there,.. whatever..
cook henry dinner…
he deserves it..
No need to feel obligated to post pix on Flickr. I was merely spreading some Christmas goodness. It was a bit of a selfish move on my part as I miss seeing your photos. Thank you for posting so many since the upgrade. They are vivid windows of life I enjoy seeing. Thank you for sharing.
And tell BJ you need some PTO. London is calling!
Clayton, there’s a Bed and vehicle sitting here in good old NZ. Take two week’s and come see the South Island
And Cambridge is waiting open-armed for you as well!
It’s a shame that you don’t care for more of those amazing photos. You really are one of the best I’ve seen and most certainly the best I know. It’s an amazing gift, Clayton. I wish you could open yourself to it more.
Maybe someday?
This is so heartbreaking. I don’t know how to say this and am not sure if this is even appropriate to do, but I was not sure how to contact you otherwise.
I was a good friend of Erin’s in high school in Duluth MN. This site was just passed on to me by another of our classmates.
I am in shock over your, our loss.
I had not kept in contact with Erin, but thought about her often. Even more as my class reunion is approaching and I am thinking about old friends.
I don’t have any words for your grief, but wanted you to know that I did know Erin and she was a great friend.
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