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July '06 - a rare dry moment

Okay. A handful of beers and a few sufficiently strong margaritas later, I read the arguably melodramatic ramble from earlier today. This whole experience is like a roller coaster and that was definitely somewhere in the lull of the track. I am, for all intents and purposes, as candid as I can be here without sounding ludicrous. This is an avenue for my expression and nothing more. People that are completely exhausted might say they could sleep for a hundred years, yet we know that is an obvious exaggeration to emphasize the expression of their fatigue. This is, on some estranged level, similar. I hurt all the time. I feel completely alone despite the amazing network of people that care about my wellbeing. I may think of dying in my sleep to cease the agony of my daily existence as it is felt today, but I do not actively wish for it. It is an accurate document to the magnitude of my suffering. It is completely without my intervention or guidance. I am living it. I know that my wife loved me very much and the last thing she would wish upon me is pain or suffering in any way. I am trying immensely to come to terms with what has happened and establish a direction for the future. I am failing. I don't think it is for lack of trying or adequate means. I think it is just too soon. I think the impact of it all is too close and indigestible. My heart is in the right place and my faith strengthens daily. It is the very human weakness beneath it all that nurtures my vulnerability to the lull in the proverbial track. I am but a man, am I not? Anyone can say this or that to the public eye, but to embrace what you feel in the very core of your being is the challenge to be met. I'll be okay... eventually.

so happy