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"i love to see the sun in spite of all it's done i pray for shade and rain i pray to live again i come from the water" I drove down to the coast this weekend to deliver Beth's birthday present and see my sister on her day off. It was a nice weekend overall... lazy days and pleasant weather. I feel like I shield myself from certain emotions to regulate the flowrate. Too much too fast is more pain than I can handle. I stepped into Beth's pool for about 2 minutes on Saturday. It was the first time I'd been in any water other than a shower since Erin's death. It was so hard for me, but I knew it would have to happen eventually. I thought it better I tried it alone. I remember my grandfather teaching me with the sink or swim method as a toddler. I was a fish in the water ever since then... you rarely could find me as a young boy without pruned fingers and toes. I grew up near the ocean. I lettered in swimming, competed all 4 years of high school, and was team captain my senior year. I was in the Navy for nearly eight and a half years. There has always been something between my life, oxygen, and the hydrogen twins. It was strikingly awkward to feel so uncomfortable in something that used to provide me with such comfort. I have to continue to try. Erin's mother left me a heartfelt voicemail last night and I spoke with her father today. I could not help but weep as I felt every pain I know they are experiencing. I received news of her family's status and wellbeing. I know she is looking upon them with a smile and waits to see them again. I can't seem to stop the tears that roll down my cheeks. All evening I have been extremely emotional. I turned on the television and saw a few minutes of the documentary marking the eve of the 5 year anniversary of the attack on the World Trade Center towers. In no state to handle that, I changed the station and it happened to be a show about children with a rare genetic abnormality and their struggle with trying to fit into our cruel and superficial society. It may as well have been a show about torturing puppies. I ate a few bites of a poor excuse of dinner to confirm my lack of appetite. The tele stayed off. I can't seem to remember what else I was going to say when I sat down to type this, so I'll fill in a few details re: the weekend. I met up with my sister out at my mother's the night I arrived. She and I stayed up late and watched a movie together over pizza. We chatted and caught up a little. As much as I knew her as a girl, I know little of her as a woman. I hope we can change that as I try to be around more in the future. I had to work Friday, so my schedule was a little restricted, but we managed to fit in a nice Small Planet Deli lunch with Beth in Corpus Christi. Friday night was the early opening of Beth's birthday gift as well as an unexpected invite to my alma mater's first home game of the season. I am not a sports fan, but I can enjoy sporting events when I am actually present. When I was in high school, out team was not very successful. Apparently, the team now, who went to the State competition last year, is so good as a 3A team that they are playing 4A schools this season for a portion of the games. The first game of the year was against a 4A school and my little hometown 3A team won 52 to 7. Friday night light's game was also as large margin win, but we didn't see it because after an injury in the 3rd quarter requiring an ambulance to remove one of the opposing players from the field, we drove to Port Aransas via the ferry for sushi. Saturday flew by incredibly fast. Rob, Tammy, Beth, and I had dinner and some really fabulous wine early in the evening. We listened to music, played games, burned woodchips in the chiminea on the patio, and shared jokes and conversation. It was a wonderful night. I'd given Rob a nice single malt from his favorite distillery and between that and the many bottles of wine (including an excellent 2003 Chataneuf du Pape), a good time was had by all. We planned on getting taquitos from The City Tortilla Factory this morning, but didn't catch them before close, so we cooked the homemade equivalent at my mom's house substituting whole wheat tortillas and fresh ingredients. The mango I'd planned on eating a few days ago was begging to be eaten before it got too ripe and it made a nice side. The trip home went pretty smooth other than the emotional distress that I've been learning to cope with quite well despite the discomfort it causes. I'm probably not ok, but I'm definitely surviving. I was thumbing through my calendar of appointments this evening for the coming week. Busy. I am already longing for next weekend.