yet here, laertes! aboard, aboard for shame!
the wind sits in the shoulder of your sail,
and you are stay'd for.
there ... my blessing with thee!
and these few precepts in thy memory
look thou character. give thy thoughts no tongue,
nor any unproportion'd thought his act.
be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
but do not dull thy palm with entertainment
of each new-hatch'd, unfledg’d comrade. beware
of entrance to a quarrel but, being in,
bear't that th' opposed may beware of thee.
give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgement.
costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
but not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
for the apparel oft proclaims the man;
and they in france of the best rank and station
are of a most select and generous chief in that.
neither a borrower, nor a lender be;
for loan oft loses both itself and friend,
and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
this above all: to thine own self be true,
and it must follow, as the night the day,
thou canst not then be false to any man.
farewell; my blessing season this in thee!
Would Maya Angelou writhe with this unrelenting grief in my shoes? What enables a person to rise above themselves and provide inspiration to others? To continue beyond personal strife and affliction and become more than they are? "One day at a time", or so the cliché goes. "It will simply take time", they repeat. I am amazed I function at all. I get up and go to work. I somehow do just that very thing... live one day at a time... but to what end? I have a stack of letters and cards on my kitchen table, unopened, next to the items I've been meaning to mail people for months. I forget things regularly that I never had issue with before. Bills paid late or nearly, not because I can't afford to pay them, but because I simply don't realize they were to be paid. Home unkempt. Pets neglected. My own health slipping away... mentally long gone, physically each day. I think about things like eating better, exercising, setting goals, staying positive, being patient, having faith that perspective and understanding will come with healing. Ironically, all the while, speculating how splendid it would be to die in my sleep. I recently heard a story about a lady with a neurological disorder caused by a benign tumor whose growth had placed pressure on the segment of the brain controlling olfactory and related systems. She couldn't taste anything or smell anything. In her case, until the tumor was removed, she ate to survive, but found no pleasure or reason for doing so outside that necessity. My life itself is drastically similar in that I do things to pass the time between now and my inevitable end because, for lack of a better explanation, I can't stop eating. You follow? Books. I have books on loss and recovery, pain and grief, etc. They sit unread with a fine layer of dust upon their covers. I want so badly to have confidence in the ability of others to understand where I am... professionals, therapists, councilors, friends... but they can not. There is no getting from there to here without living it... and once you do, there is no going back. There are days when the winds are low and the strength of the castle walls I've build appears sufficient. I sit within and pretending there is warmth and I can feel something other than pain. There are days when the foundation heaves and the storm outside is to strong to ignore. There is a reason we've placed the words heart and wrenching together in description. I drove to work this morning barely able to see the road from the veritable river pouring down my face... my heart in the grasp of an old time clothes wringer. I continue to struggle with every day and yet progress has reached a steady state plateau. She is everywhere and nowhere, but remains my everything. The most wonderful gift ever bestowed from heaven, there can be no truer love.
I miss you.
You mentioned wanting to have confidence in professionals, therapists, etc. to understand where you are. I imagine that listening to someone who hasn’t been “through it” can feel a lot like explaining childbirth when you’ve never experienced it yourself.
Perhaps it would be helpful to find a support group made up of people that HAVE been through it. And I’m not talking about old people whose spouses have passed away in their sleep, but a group made up of young people who’s lives have been turned upside down due to the unplanned passing of their spouse. Perhaps sharing stories, listening to their heartache and being each others therapists would give you some sort of solice and let you know you’re not alone.
I can only imagine that you’ve got a long road ahead. Maybe strangers to talk to can make that road a little more bareable.
I agree with Greg. When my dad died, within a few months we went to a S.O.S. meeting (spouses/surviors of suicides is the group name I think). Though we did understand every reasoning behind my dad’s death while others in the room did not see it with their loved ones, we at least didn’t feel alone coping with the emotions which were the same. Lost. Alone and not thinking we can move on.
I know I have not gone through the same thing with you - but if I was within a 50 mile radius of you, I would be at your door asking you to talk to me. I would listen and let you talk, you have thoughts you need to clear out, I know them, and you do too. Maybe you don’t want to talk, you just want someone close by, I would just sit next to you just so that you know that you are not alone.
There are others that have been through this, and they want to listen and talk as well as you do. Find them, it will ease your heart and your mind.
and there goes step two…
so everyone looks around and whispers,..
“well then just HOW many steps are there to this!?!?”
... i’ll let you know when i reach the end…
there is no end to this clayton,..
there is only going on…
some days/weeks it will take almost sheer force…
and then other days/weeks/months you will look up and realize you have all but floated through… not having much impact on or contact from anyone or anything…
and wonder how in the hell you got there without running into something… lol
this is where your character is built,..
this is how we learn to appreciate those we do still have,…
i know,.. but you HAVE to..
she would have nothing less…
... now feed yourself,
and the dog…
poor henry… : }
Please Clayton, listen to what Greg and Susan are saying. You can not do it on your own. You know this, don’t you? So find some help outside yourself. ‘Cause if you don’t, you’re going to force me to come out there and kick your ass, do you understand me?
Do it.
Lisa - I’ll hold him down and you can kick his ass. ;-)
Clayton,
It’s a strange feeling, stumbling upon someone’s page and immediately knowing something’s wrong. At first, I couldn’t tell what it was… then I saw mention of ErinLynn and assumed something happened to her. I kept going back in your blog, one day, then one month, one year at a time… desperately trying to find the end (and the start).
I can’t tell you I’ve had the same thing happen to me. And even if I had, you’d still be so right in saying, There is no getting from there to here without living it. It is quite possible that those are some of the truest words spoken… getting to the root of what life is about. The pain, but also the joy.
I won’t pretend that things will be better when you open your eyes tomorrow morning, or even next year… but I do know one thing, and you know it, too: God will never give you more than you can grasp - by interlinking your hands with his.
I was once told that the reason we hold hands with those we are in a relationship with is because when our fingers interlace, each persons fingers cover where the other persons are not. It’s a constant reminder of how one’s strengths cover the others weaknesses, and vice versa. By weaving our fingers in and out of one anothers, it makes the grip stronger - the same being true when we open ourselves up to being vulnerable in a relationship… not only with a human, but with God. His strengths will cover our weaknesses, of which we have many. He is more than willing to help us create a stronger bond - to get a grip on whatever is coming our way.
I stumbled on your page by accident earlier this week and you have been on my mind ever since. I don’t have the perfect words to say, but I felt an incredible urging to just say a few things to you… I hope these words help you feel in some way. I also wanted to tell you that You Are Loved. The pain is black, the sorrow is engulfing, the hurt is all around you. But as big and as bad and as hell-ish and as hurtful as all of it is… God is Enough.
You will continue to be in my prayers. I’ll leave you with Psalms 17 from The Message. (Again, just something I felt God leading me to share.)
17
A David Prayer
Listen while I build my case, God,
the most honest prayer you’ll ever hear.
Show the world I’m innocent--
in your heart you know I am.
Go ahead, examine me from inside out,
surprise me in the middle of the night--
You’ll find I’m just what I say I am.
My words don’t run loose.
I’m not trying to get my way
in the world’s way.
I’m trying to get your way,
your Word’s way.
I’m staying on your trail;
I’m putting one foot
In front of the other.
I’m not giving up.
I call to you, God, because I’m sure of an answer.
So--answer! bend your ear! listen sharp!
Paint grace-graffiti on the fences;
take in your frightened children who
Are running from the neighborhood bullies
straight to you.
Keep your eye on me;
hide me under your cool wing feathers
From the wicked who are out to get me,
from mortal enemies closing in.
Their hearts are hard as nails,
their mouths blast hot air.
They are after me, nipping my heels,
determined to bring me down,
Lions ready to rip me apart,
young lions poised to pounce.
Up, God: beard them! break them!
By your sword, free me from their clutches;
Barehanded, God, break these mortals,
these flat-earth people who can’t think beyond today.
I’d like to see their bellies
swollen with famine food,
The weeds they’ve sown
harvested and baked into famine bread,
With second helpings for their children
and crusts for their babies to chew on.
And me? I plan on looking
you full in the face. When I get up,
I’ll see your full stature
and live heaven on earth.
Clayton, my thoughts are with you. I too stumbled across your life.
I honestly don’t think ErinLynn would have wanted you to die with her. What happened to her was tragic yes. But you can’t undo it. If you start to exist again, you’re not going to lose her memory. She’s still going to be right there where’s she’s always been.
I didn’t know her but I think I can say with certainty she’d be crushed if she knew how you were living.
you’re in my prayers, clayton. i don’t know what else to say but that. i hope god grants you some peace and some relief from this crushing grief.
Clayton,
I came across your page some time ago when I was in a very dark time myself. Your thoughts on life and God helped me through and I have faithfully checked this page every day and kept you in my prayers.
I cannot say that I know how you feel because I did not know Erin and I did not lose her, but I do share your loss. The things that you writeabout what you are feeling could have been written by me. I lost my husband and the love of my life last year. He was only 27 years old and he was killed just three days after our first wedding anniversary. I think of him with every breath that I take and I miss him all the time. I don’t tell you this so that you can pity me; I share this with you because you have shared so much with us.
No matter what anyone says there is no easy way to fix our broken hearts. And I think when I was trying to make sense of everything I was sure that God would give me some kind of answer that would make everything better. I do see glimpses of joy now and then. And I do laugh, but always I think of Peter and how he would laugh if he were with me.
In some ways I have been where you are, I have sat and planned out all the ways that I could die and it not be a suicide. I was in a car accident on New Year’s Eve and as the car was spinning I thought, “Thank God, it’s finally over”. The thing that has helped me the most though to process is talking to people who have been there, people who will just let me talk about my husband for hours or let me cry about how unfair life is and then they can say they understand, and they really do!!!
Try to get with some young widows and widowers in your area, you will be shocked at how many of us there are, and build yourself a solid and Godly support system. Cause if they don’t believe in God you don’t want to hang too much because they are REALLY depressed. You can email me if you can’t find anybody right away, I would be glad to help prop you up the way you did me.
You don’t have to post this on your website, I just didn’t know how else to reach you.
You are, as always, in my prayers. Hang in there brother. They say joy comes in the morning and maybe that isn’t too far off.
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