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I don't know what is happening anymore. From one day to the next it seems my life is careening off the road and I don't know which way to turn to get back. There are moments when I think I've found some peace... or rather, it has been given to me by God since I can't seem to find anything these days. They are brief, but genuinely surreal in that I don't know if I am dreaming them or if they are part of a conscious experience. I didn't eat most of the day yesterday. I had a smoothie for lunch... well, part of a smoothie. I felt queasy all day. I cried in the morning a lot and a little around lunch, but I was ok most of the rest of the time other than the sick feeling. I received many phone calls from people I haven't talked to in years it seems. Each of them apparently just hearing the news. I don't know what to say anymore that doesn't come across like someone is pulling a string on my back. If I attach myself to the conversation and explain, I completely lose composure and can barely breathe. So I give the synopsis from as far away as I can. I'm taking some baby steps though... I emailed the detective again regarding her personal belongings still in police custody. I moved some of her bathroom supplies under her sink so I could organize them later. I called the agent handling her IRA to inquire about what to do next with the account. I seize the moments between the emotional train wrecks to try to do something... anything. Ted stopped by our house last night after he got off work. I suggested we go out for dinner at one of Erin's favorite local restaurants. So we did. Unlike Sweet Bella (another one of her favorites), I made it through the entire meal without breaking down. I ordered a delicious glass of white wine for her and we shared her favorite tableside flambé desert on their menu. I miss her so much... I can't seem to say it enough times for it to mean even a fraction of what it should. Once we got home from dinner, Ted had gone home, and Sean was working on the computer, the house was quiet and I prepared for bed. I was numb. I hadn't drank with my meal and was chemically of clear mind, but I just felt such emptiness that I couldn't even find words to describe where I was emotionally. Perhaps it was a protection mechanism? I prayed and then slept. It was not a restful sleep. I awoke several times throughout the night... nightmares, too hot, small sounds I would normally sleep through, more nightmares. It was exhausting. This morning came too early. I needed to get up for work, but could not convince myself I was prepared to face other people. I decided to work from my home office. I found out this morning that one of my clients is preparing for an implementation Tuesday night (actually early Wednesday morning) and wants me to be on-site. This is going to be problematic with being a single parent to the Yorkie now. I will have to make arrangements for someone to be here with him. The location of the project is about 4 or 5 hours from my house. I'm not looking forward to driving alone or dealing with people, but I know it must happen sooner or later... no matter how hard it will be. I am leaving tomorrow for Minnesota. My mother and step-father are going to watch Henry, Éclair, Bianca, and Penny while I am gone. My in-laws are having a small family gathering in her hometown on Saturday and I need to be there... I wouldn't miss it for anything. I wish my career had afforded more time for Erin and I to spend more time with her family up north. I hope there is a way we can still be close in her absence. I had to take a much longer connecting flight itinerary to save money on the trip, so most of the weekend is travel time is seems. I'm 15 minutes from Houston Intercontinental and there is a 3 hour direct flight from there for a short thousand dollars more than the flight I got out of Hobby (which is quite far from me). Time, like most things, doesn't seem to mean much to me anymore, so it's not that big a deal. This morning continues slowly. I have trouble focusing on anything. I wept a few times laying in our bed, but once I got up I was a little better. I guess I'll go find some more caffeine. This house is so empty without her... I am so empty without her. It hurts.