Kurt got Lasik. Here’s his
Kurt got Lasik. Here's his hijacked account of the whole shibang:
"OK.. Here's what I remember about doing this procedure, the Intralase Lasik eye surgery to correct my vision. I just returned from the Eye Center for my post-op and everything's clear and I tested at 20/20 at the reading chart already. For those of you who asked, and there were many, here's what to expect in as much detail as I can remember.
ONE WEEK BEFORE SURGERY:
You say you want Lasik surgery, do you ? Well, not everyone's a candidate, so you must begin by seeing a Lasik specialist so that they can then determine if you're a good candidate. If you have myopia, you must be between 2.0 and 20.0 on your prescription to be a candidate. I measured a 2.2, just barely within range, and my vision was measured at 20/50 in my right eye and 20/60 in my left. I had a 3.3 astigmatism, which unfortunately made me a bad candidate for the new Ultra Lasik experience with a program called WaveFront technology. To get considered for WaveFront, which is the newest, badass, all-in-one super "fix-all-eye-imperfections" laser surgery, you must have your astigmatism below the 3.0 threshold. Damn. Oh, well, they said the conventional Lasik with Intralase was still an option for me and would get me to 20/20 vision, and quite possibly 20/15. No biggie.
They then explain how the system works. You get OK'd for the surgery once all measurements are agreed to be within the limitations of what would be deemed successfully corrected. Now to decide what TYPE of surgery you want to do to get the maximum benefit. The doctors will decide which is the safest, and best option. There are several types to choose from today:
1. Conventional Lasik
2. Conventional Lasik w/ Intralase
3. WaveFront Lasik w/ Intralase
Conventional Lasik - You have a computer-controlled device fit over your face, that moves a blade directly over your deadened eye ( from numbing drops applied beforehand ) to make the "flap", a portion of the outer eye covering that's pulled back to allow the laser to then make the corrections to your vision. The doctor uses his keen eye and hand coordination to make this flap.
Conventional Lasik w/ IntraLase - a primary laser used in the procedure from a totally separate machine you lay under, that creates the flap by creating a horseshoe shaped cut at the precise depth measured from your previous visit. This is computer controlled. Then the Eximer laser is used to make the corrections to your vision.
Wavefront Lasik w/ Intralase - Same Intralase cutting technique, but the correction laser uses a different mapping technique to laze away the corneal matter to a more precise and custom fit to your eye's specifications. It allows for more faults to be corrected than traditional or conventional Lasik.
One you've determined which method you are the best candidate for, you schedule your surgery date. You must have a pre-op visit 48 hours before surgery for preparation and mapping.
TWO DAYS BEFORE PROCEDURE:
Initial exam: Your first appointment, they need to check your eyes, glasses or contacts prescription, and test various elements of your cornea's topography and lens thickness. They do this using a variety of machines that create colorful topographical charts of several angled views of your eye. You pretty much just stare into the eyepieces of several machines and a variety of lights in color and magnitude flash in front of your vision. Nothing painful or uncomfortable and they don't blow air into them. What they find here is how deep your lens is how deep your corneas are. They need to program into the IntraLase laser the exact and precise depth in order to create the "flap". The flap is a circular of outer eye covering that is cut using either a blade ( normal laser surgery ) or laser ( IntraLase surgery - what I had ) that must then be pulled back to then allow the Eximer laser to "laze" away the corneal matter instantaneously to reduce the depth of material light must refract through before the light is then reflected onto your retinas. If you are far or nearsighted, your object reflections are missing hitting the retina right on, thus creating the blurriness. The light is being reflected either too close or too far behind from the real retinal wall. Optimally, you want the reflections to focus directly onto the retinal wall for a clear image to be then transferred to the brain for correct vision. To correct this, the laser blasts away a prescribed amount of material around the eye in front of the iris to bring the focus directly to the retina. But to blast away that material, you must "open" the eye by pulling back this flap. Every person’s flap will be different, so they must make these custom measurements using the machines. This appointment to "map" the eye takes the most time; about two hours. During this, they also tell you how to prepare for surgery, and to make sure you know how to take care of your eyes after surgery, as well. They take you through the procedure step by step so that you know what to expect. After all the measurements have been taken, your laser's program is written and put into the machine for your surgery two days later. They then tell you that when you show up for surgery, you will be grouped with four others, have some preliminary blood pressure tests done, be given a Valium to calm your nerves, and then have your procedure done. You also are to make payment before you leave, in full ( about 3,685 clams ), for the procedure. ( I think that's just a way to ensure you don't chicken out! )
You are then sent home with instructions to use special eye drops the next day 4 times a day to prepare the eye for surgery. Now the waiting, and in my case, the anxiety begins.
DAY/NIGHT BEFORE SURGERY
Today is just a day where you begin using 2 different types of eye drops 4 times a day prepping your eyes for the surgery. It is also the day that you realize what you've committed to, and the stomach churning begins. Regardless of how simple they make it all sound in the office yesterday, and all of the descriptions from others who have had it that "you won't feel a thing". "It’s easy, nothing to it". You still feel a bit queasy. You know you won't sleep the night before. I know I didn't. I have a feeling I'm going to be on the table, move one of my hands from under the blanket, reach over and grab my doctor's "attention" just below the belt... firmly squeeze and say to him. "Now we're not going to hurt each other... ARE WE?” At that moment, I think that maybe that's not such a good idea. It worked in the movie, but then the dude who did it didn't have a thermonuclear laser aimed at his face, either. I think my best bet is to just do what he says.
2am - time to finally go to sleep. Resigning to this.
3am - day of surgery. Still up. Surgery is at 7:15am
4am - day of surgery. Same.
5am - ditto. Ceiling looking AWFUL boring right about now.
6am - I'm up. Stomach in knots. Sis drives up to take me to the clinic. You have to have a driver to take you there and back. Something about them not liking the fact that patients with eyes lazed out of their sockets driving on the same streets as their kids. < shrugs > Go figure. Pansies.
SURGERY DAY
Scared shitless. More nervous than anything else. You know it's going to be fast and you will be sitting in front of the tube resting in no time. BUT THEY'RE CUTTING YOUR EYES, MAN !!!!!!!!!!! That's just not natural to feel right about. You can't imagine what you're about to go through and it's just KILLIN ya...
You drive to the clinic..... slowly. Each passing street sign you read as if it's the last thing you're going to see again in your natural-born life. I WANT to know the price of gasoline at the corner Texaco. I LIKE to know that taco's are now only .39 cents at the Bell. It's good to see your boss leaving the Pink Flamingo Gentleman's Club at 6am with what looks to be a coked-out blonde. ( I'll have to stash that little bit o- information for later on ) Man, to go to the border right about now would be great, but it's only six o'clock in the freakin morning... they're not even open yet - AND YOU'RE DRIVING TO THE MAN WHO'S GOING TO BE JAMMING LASERS INTO YOUR EYES !!!!!!!!
No problem. I can take it. A million folks have done it and you don't see them walking around in the malls bumping into shit, moaning about the fact that they can't ever see a playoff game again on ESPN. You never hear of news where the victim of Lasik surgery is suing because the procedure took away their beautiful blue eyes and made them plaid, or crossed, or accidentally lased the retina through the back of his freakin head. Just doesn't happen. This is safe. It's really safe.. IT'S SAFE, DUMMY, JUST SHUT UP AND GET THIS OVER WITH SO YOU CAN GO TO THE SATURDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL GAME AND SEE THE CHEERLEADERS CLEAVAGE WITH GREATER CLARITY. That helped for about two minutes as I meandered through that scenario. Come to think of it, they better give me two Valium.
Even better, I should have had two this morning at home before taking their offering at the clinic. Groooovy man..
It's 7am.. You now come to the full conclusion that about an hour from now, you're going to be retracing your steps to the parking lot, getting back into the car, and going home. It sure doesn't seem like it's going to be that quick. You walk into the clinic and the nurses look at you with loving eyes as they know what you're going through, and they just want to make you feel safe.. more in control.. "Walk this way, please.” she says. You follow her into a patient room where a doc then comes in who's going to do your procedure. I asked him what time he came home last night and put my face right up to his to see if I could smell the telltale effects of alcohol. Nothing.
"Vodka man, aren't ya, Doc?" I tell him bluntly. He stops short of saying something, looks at his watch and says, "You ready?"
He puts on his silly blue surgical mask, hat, booties, and something that goes around the waist.. not exactly sure what that is for, but I'm now at the point where inquisitiveness has given way to utter submissiveness. I didn't care if he put on a David Lee Roth black leather jacket, I was going to do this and I felt it best to try not to figure out what was going to happen, but rather to allow everything to take place without my mind's creating obscure and needless thoughts aimed at driving me insane.
A similarly dressed nurse led me away and into a hallway with chairs where the other three patients that we're having the same process done were sitting. We nodded slightly to one another acknowledging ourselves as those befitting the same fate-to-be. Sitting there with them, you kind of felt a kinship, as if you always knew them. I could just see that conversation had we introduced ourselves. "Hi, my name's Stupid 1. She's Stupid 2. Oh, nice to meet you, Stupid 3." However, it was unnecessary. I guess this is what veal cows feel like in those pens, knowing their fate. Just lining up and waiting for the slaughter. No attempts to escape or complain about what they were up against. Giving up.
The nurse led an older gentleman out, and asked the young lady and myself to move one chair over closer to the LASER ROOM, and wait. She returned in a few minutes, took my blood pressure and asked if I wanted a Valium. I looked around as if she was asking the girl next to me. Certainly, she wasn't asking ME if I wanted one. I didn't think I had a choice other than YES. I was also trying to find where she kept them hidden so that when she led the young lady out to the LASER ROOM, that I could then open the bottle and empty the entire contents into my awaiting empty stomach for protection from what I was expecting to be a rather uncomfortable situation in.. in THERE. I think she was onto me. She put the bottle into one of those pockets that line the lower end of her scrubs and brought the young lady in for her turn.
I was now alone. Now I had to take the seat next to the.. LASER ROOM. Christ. I could HEAR it working on that poor bastard. It made an electronic buzzing noise, very quick start and stop almost like a helicopter blade swishing through the air over Da Nang. Remember Da Nang? We lost some good men over Da Nang.. wait a minute.. hmmm
Valium must be kicking in.. That was quick. Looks like the ol' "Don't eat anything the night before to ensure an empty stomach and hopefully maximum the absorption effect of the Valium" strategy was paying off in spades. I just shut my eyes, stopped moving, crossed my hands over my lap and tried to feel what it was like to have Valium in my system. What was really cool was that I could actually concentrate. No recurring fleeting images of something-going-wrong in the operation room. None of that. I noticed that I was calming down. Awesome. I'm going to get through this without making a scene. Then the door opened and you can just screw all that I just said.
You ever watch National Geographic about the Serengeti ? You know.. the cheetahs running at 60 mph, the hippos wading in the water.. the lions stalking the gazelles.
Well, I remember in my childhood watching these movies in grade school when the teacher was too hung over to actually teach arithmetic or something. He really just wanted to put on a movie, turn out the lights and silently bleed to death in the corner. We, the class of students, would be too interested in the sudden death chases of the animal kingdom to notice that he/she was leaving the classroom to attend to one of nature's cruelest jokes. Anyway, the one scene that always drew my most interest was the one where the predators eventually caught their intended victims and dragged them to the ground. Yeah, when the gazelles were running scared trying to elude capture, and even up to the point where they were finally caught from behind and brought down to Mother Earth for the last time, they were kicking and screaming and trying to stay alive.
But there comes that POINT. You know what I'm talking about. That point in time where it just doesn't matter anymore. They knew they were dead and just waiting for that fatal bite to end the pain and suffering. They stopped fighting, stopped kicking, and succumbed to nature's way. Eyes wide open, yet calm. Maybe only a simple wet licking of the lips in fear and anticipation of the unthinkable fate before them.
I walked into that LASER room as a man and sat down a gazelle. Lips dry and eyes half shut. They asked me to lie down on the surgical-prep table. They glossed over my eye areas with a wet cloth and applied the first of what seemed to be about 40 eye drops to begin the numbing process. Pretty easy.. quick.. felt kinda gunky after about ten minutes, but I knew that I was no longer feeling from up there. Cool. Now the Valium was really kicking in and I just let everything happen. They asked me to rise and walk over to the IntraLase machine. I did. I lay down, and the doc hovered then above me and said those things you expect from a doc.
"How ya doin?"
"Swell", I said. "Just swell".
He then proceeds to inform me that he's going to open my eyes wide, apply the devices that will hold my eyes open during the procedure, and then begin to use the IntraLase to cut the flap. Now here's the funny part. This is, by far, the hardest part of the entire procedure. After this step, it's gravy from here on out. He begins by asking me to open wide. No shit, Sherlock. I do so and he holds the upper lid and lower lid apart with his fingers, then applies these very small metallic clips to fit underneath them, with a spring that pulls them up and down and apart. That was no problem. I was more interested, at this juncture, how the automatic reaction to wanting to blink was going to come to me.. It never did. Good. After this has been completed, he had to put this plastic tube, about the width of your eyeball and about 1" deep over my eye, press down and allow the eye to become fastened inside it as if you were trying to roll marbles through it. This was a son-of-a-bitch and quite uncomfortable. I felt my eye was going to squeeze through and shoot through it like a paper wad does in a peashooter. It didn't HURT, per se, just very unnaturally to have this done to you. He had trouble getting it to fit, because my lids were too small, so it took 4 attempts. Once he feels it is fitting right, he gets confirmation from a nurse to begin "suction". She agrees or disagrees. If disagrees, they lift it and start over again. Once she agrees, she turns something on and you see your peripheral vision begin to go away to gray, not black, but gray until it comes towards the center of your vision.. you then quickly go blind... this is normal. Now, you can't see shit. My left eye was given a black covering while my right eye was prepped for the flap to be made by the IntraLase laser. Once everything was prepped, they moved the table under the laser.. At this point, I can't see, but I can tell what's happening. The laser is brought down mechanically to my right eye and placed on the edge of the plastic cylinder that contains my eyeball.
"OK, Kurt, we're going to begin cutting the flap. It should only take about 60 seconds." The gazelle just lies there.
The first laser begins and I can hear a faint noise, but I feel absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. All I see in front of me in gray color, but I DO see motion. It looks like a liquid image with swirling going around. Like mixing gray paint with olive oil. It was so cool, that my fear was replaced with intrigue about the process. I knew I was going to be ok, so I set myself into enjoying the moment. It worked. With 40 seconds left, they actually began counting down. Reassuring voices that everything was going ok.. Don't move. Again, no shit Sherlock. When finished, they took off the apparatus, removed the tube, and I could see again. Now it looked like I was in San Francisco. Foggy. That was normal.
The IntraLase process created a horseshoe-shaped cut on my outer eye. During that process, the material underneath emits millions of tiny bubbles under and around the flap. That creates the foggy perception. When I blink, I can quickly see a dark brown image of a ring of what seems to me to be fat bubbles in a circular shape in front of me. You know when an 8mm movie film begins to burn on the lamp of old-style projectors ? That's what it looks like. But it's very brief. I began to blink my eyes again and again to see this phenomenon. But it was time for me to do the next eye, so they put the black covering over my right. They repeated the process and before I knew it, the first half of my procedure was over and I was walking to the waiting room to let my eyes bubble out. This takes about 20-30 minutes. I now have to flaps ready to go.
I'm sitting now with the poor bastard and the young lady in the waiting room. We know each other are there because we can hear the silent breathing of relief coming from each other and the nurses continuously applying more numbing drops in each of our eyes. They are also frequently opening our lids and peering at them with small flashlights to check the tiny bubbles. At one time we were alone, I decided to strike up some conversation and it went a little something like this:
Tiny bubbles (tiny bubbles)
In the wine (in the wine)
Make me happy (make me happy)
Make me feel fine (make me feel fine)
Don Ho, where were you when we needed you.
Before long, it was time for me to go under the real Eximer Laser to have my eyes adjusted in accordance to my NEW vision. They wheeled me into and under the next machine and this time, it was without blinders or coverings or anything. I looked up the scope to see a blinking red light and was told to concentrate on it. I did. At this time, the doc then looks into his microscope, finds the leading edge of the flap, and with tweezers, gently LIFTS it up and crosses it over - thusly exposing my inner cornea. This was not painful, not even really uncomfortable, but WEIRD to see. Naturally, the images got distorted as if you had a wet, plastic or glass warp the image in front of you and it caused the red light to move all over the place from my point of view. When it was firmly placed along the outside wall of my eye, they said to again, stare at this blinking light.. your peripheral vision was still good enough to see the whole machine, so I was looking at this large, vented, light blue light emitting gargantuan metallic beast then lower towards me.. It was like something out of Close Encounters. Then the laser started. I was told to remain still. The chopper-sound began and I saw some light flashing, almost like machine-gun fire. Felt nothing. But noticed that the flash came FROM the machine and ended at the edge of my eye. Fascinating.
Then you smelled it. It wasn't totally alarming, but you won't find it in any fragrance store at your local department store, either.
Ten seconds. Done. It's over. They gently put the flap back, and quickly moved the machine over to do my left eye. Twelve seconds. Done. Put flap back, now stand up and walk this way. Incredible.
They immediately put me into a patient’s waiting room where I was then testing my new vision. It was about 5 minutes when I began noticing that I could see again very sharply. I used the reading chart on the wall and noticed now that the small print was no longer small. It worked THAT FAST.
A nurse came in, looked at my eyes one last time, and gave me a sack of stuff to take home. A care pack of eye drops w/ instructions to come back tomorrow morning for a checkup. They also gave me some plastic shields to tape onto my face to make sure nothing touches my eyes.. I had to wear them the first 24 hours and removed them this morning. I'm using the drops now and having no problems.
I can see very clearly. In my office visit, I tested at 20/20 already this morning, just 24 hours after the procedure was completed. They said improvement continues for about 4-5 days and that if I'm seeing 20/20 now, I can expect 20/15 by the middle of next week.
When I look at trees now, I see each individual LEAF..
It's truly amazing.
The hardest part is the anticipation, bar none. This was about as painless and simple as it's advertised. Walking out, I also experienced the "I can't believe I got so worked up over that" that I heard everyone whose had it try to explain to me. It's true.
I can safely say that this is the best money I've ever spent on myself.
Hope you enjoyed it.
Kurt"
It still freaks me out.
"OK.. Here's what I remember about doing this procedure, the Intralase Lasik eye surgery to correct my vision. I just returned from the Eye Center for my post-op and everything's clear and I tested at 20/20 at the reading chart already. For those of you who asked, and there were many, here's what to expect in as much detail as I can remember.
ONE WEEK BEFORE SURGERY:
You say you want Lasik surgery, do you ? Well, not everyone's a candidate, so you must begin by seeing a Lasik specialist so that they can then determine if you're a good candidate. If you have myopia, you must be between 2.0 and 20.0 on your prescription to be a candidate. I measured a 2.2, just barely within range, and my vision was measured at 20/50 in my right eye and 20/60 in my left. I had a 3.3 astigmatism, which unfortunately made me a bad candidate for the new Ultra Lasik experience with a program called WaveFront technology. To get considered for WaveFront, which is the newest, badass, all-in-one super "fix-all-eye-imperfections" laser surgery, you must have your astigmatism below the 3.0 threshold. Damn. Oh, well, they said the conventional Lasik with Intralase was still an option for me and would get me to 20/20 vision, and quite possibly 20/15. No biggie.
They then explain how the system works. You get OK'd for the surgery once all measurements are agreed to be within the limitations of what would be deemed successfully corrected. Now to decide what TYPE of surgery you want to do to get the maximum benefit. The doctors will decide which is the safest, and best option. There are several types to choose from today:
1. Conventional Lasik
2. Conventional Lasik w/ Intralase
3. WaveFront Lasik w/ Intralase
Conventional Lasik - You have a computer-controlled device fit over your face, that moves a blade directly over your deadened eye ( from numbing drops applied beforehand ) to make the "flap", a portion of the outer eye covering that's pulled back to allow the laser to then make the corrections to your vision. The doctor uses his keen eye and hand coordination to make this flap.
Conventional Lasik w/ IntraLase - a primary laser used in the procedure from a totally separate machine you lay under, that creates the flap by creating a horseshoe shaped cut at the precise depth measured from your previous visit. This is computer controlled. Then the Eximer laser is used to make the corrections to your vision.
Wavefront Lasik w/ Intralase - Same Intralase cutting technique, but the correction laser uses a different mapping technique to laze away the corneal matter to a more precise and custom fit to your eye's specifications. It allows for more faults to be corrected than traditional or conventional Lasik.
One you've determined which method you are the best candidate for, you schedule your surgery date. You must have a pre-op visit 48 hours before surgery for preparation and mapping.
TWO DAYS BEFORE PROCEDURE:
Initial exam: Your first appointment, they need to check your eyes, glasses or contacts prescription, and test various elements of your cornea's topography and lens thickness. They do this using a variety of machines that create colorful topographical charts of several angled views of your eye. You pretty much just stare into the eyepieces of several machines and a variety of lights in color and magnitude flash in front of your vision. Nothing painful or uncomfortable and they don't blow air into them. What they find here is how deep your lens is how deep your corneas are. They need to program into the IntraLase laser the exact and precise depth in order to create the "flap". The flap is a circular of outer eye covering that is cut using either a blade ( normal laser surgery ) or laser ( IntraLase surgery - what I had ) that must then be pulled back to then allow the Eximer laser to "laze" away the corneal matter instantaneously to reduce the depth of material light must refract through before the light is then reflected onto your retinas. If you are far or nearsighted, your object reflections are missing hitting the retina right on, thus creating the blurriness. The light is being reflected either too close or too far behind from the real retinal wall. Optimally, you want the reflections to focus directly onto the retinal wall for a clear image to be then transferred to the brain for correct vision. To correct this, the laser blasts away a prescribed amount of material around the eye in front of the iris to bring the focus directly to the retina. But to blast away that material, you must "open" the eye by pulling back this flap. Every person’s flap will be different, so they must make these custom measurements using the machines. This appointment to "map" the eye takes the most time; about two hours. During this, they also tell you how to prepare for surgery, and to make sure you know how to take care of your eyes after surgery, as well. They take you through the procedure step by step so that you know what to expect. After all the measurements have been taken, your laser's program is written and put into the machine for your surgery two days later. They then tell you that when you show up for surgery, you will be grouped with four others, have some preliminary blood pressure tests done, be given a Valium to calm your nerves, and then have your procedure done. You also are to make payment before you leave, in full ( about 3,685 clams ), for the procedure. ( I think that's just a way to ensure you don't chicken out! )
You are then sent home with instructions to use special eye drops the next day 4 times a day to prepare the eye for surgery. Now the waiting, and in my case, the anxiety begins.
DAY/NIGHT BEFORE SURGERY
Today is just a day where you begin using 2 different types of eye drops 4 times a day prepping your eyes for the surgery. It is also the day that you realize what you've committed to, and the stomach churning begins. Regardless of how simple they make it all sound in the office yesterday, and all of the descriptions from others who have had it that "you won't feel a thing". "It’s easy, nothing to it". You still feel a bit queasy. You know you won't sleep the night before. I know I didn't. I have a feeling I'm going to be on the table, move one of my hands from under the blanket, reach over and grab my doctor's "attention" just below the belt... firmly squeeze and say to him. "Now we're not going to hurt each other... ARE WE?” At that moment, I think that maybe that's not such a good idea. It worked in the movie, but then the dude who did it didn't have a thermonuclear laser aimed at his face, either. I think my best bet is to just do what he says.
2am - time to finally go to sleep. Resigning to this.
3am - day of surgery. Still up. Surgery is at 7:15am
4am - day of surgery. Same.
5am - ditto. Ceiling looking AWFUL boring right about now.
6am - I'm up. Stomach in knots. Sis drives up to take me to the clinic. You have to have a driver to take you there and back. Something about them not liking the fact that patients with eyes lazed out of their sockets driving on the same streets as their kids. < shrugs > Go figure. Pansies.
SURGERY DAY
Scared shitless. More nervous than anything else. You know it's going to be fast and you will be sitting in front of the tube resting in no time. BUT THEY'RE CUTTING YOUR EYES, MAN !!!!!!!!!!! That's just not natural to feel right about. You can't imagine what you're about to go through and it's just KILLIN ya...
You drive to the clinic..... slowly. Each passing street sign you read as if it's the last thing you're going to see again in your natural-born life. I WANT to know the price of gasoline at the corner Texaco. I LIKE to know that taco's are now only .39 cents at the Bell. It's good to see your boss leaving the Pink Flamingo Gentleman's Club at 6am with what looks to be a coked-out blonde. ( I'll have to stash that little bit o- information for later on ) Man, to go to the border right about now would be great, but it's only six o'clock in the freakin morning... they're not even open yet - AND YOU'RE DRIVING TO THE MAN WHO'S GOING TO BE JAMMING LASERS INTO YOUR EYES !!!!!!!!
No problem. I can take it. A million folks have done it and you don't see them walking around in the malls bumping into shit, moaning about the fact that they can't ever see a playoff game again on ESPN. You never hear of news where the victim of Lasik surgery is suing because the procedure took away their beautiful blue eyes and made them plaid, or crossed, or accidentally lased the retina through the back of his freakin head. Just doesn't happen. This is safe. It's really safe.. IT'S SAFE, DUMMY, JUST SHUT UP AND GET THIS OVER WITH SO YOU CAN GO TO THE SATURDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL GAME AND SEE THE CHEERLEADERS CLEAVAGE WITH GREATER CLARITY. That helped for about two minutes as I meandered through that scenario. Come to think of it, they better give me two Valium.
Even better, I should have had two this morning at home before taking their offering at the clinic. Groooovy man..
It's 7am.. You now come to the full conclusion that about an hour from now, you're going to be retracing your steps to the parking lot, getting back into the car, and going home. It sure doesn't seem like it's going to be that quick. You walk into the clinic and the nurses look at you with loving eyes as they know what you're going through, and they just want to make you feel safe.. more in control.. "Walk this way, please.” she says. You follow her into a patient room where a doc then comes in who's going to do your procedure. I asked him what time he came home last night and put my face right up to his to see if I could smell the telltale effects of alcohol. Nothing.
"Vodka man, aren't ya, Doc?" I tell him bluntly. He stops short of saying something, looks at his watch and says, "You ready?"
He puts on his silly blue surgical mask, hat, booties, and something that goes around the waist.. not exactly sure what that is for, but I'm now at the point where inquisitiveness has given way to utter submissiveness. I didn't care if he put on a David Lee Roth black leather jacket, I was going to do this and I felt it best to try not to figure out what was going to happen, but rather to allow everything to take place without my mind's creating obscure and needless thoughts aimed at driving me insane.
A similarly dressed nurse led me away and into a hallway with chairs where the other three patients that we're having the same process done were sitting. We nodded slightly to one another acknowledging ourselves as those befitting the same fate-to-be. Sitting there with them, you kind of felt a kinship, as if you always knew them. I could just see that conversation had we introduced ourselves. "Hi, my name's Stupid 1. She's Stupid 2. Oh, nice to meet you, Stupid 3." However, it was unnecessary. I guess this is what veal cows feel like in those pens, knowing their fate. Just lining up and waiting for the slaughter. No attempts to escape or complain about what they were up against. Giving up.
The nurse led an older gentleman out, and asked the young lady and myself to move one chair over closer to the LASER ROOM, and wait. She returned in a few minutes, took my blood pressure and asked if I wanted a Valium. I looked around as if she was asking the girl next to me. Certainly, she wasn't asking ME if I wanted one. I didn't think I had a choice other than YES. I was also trying to find where she kept them hidden so that when she led the young lady out to the LASER ROOM, that I could then open the bottle and empty the entire contents into my awaiting empty stomach for protection from what I was expecting to be a rather uncomfortable situation in.. in THERE. I think she was onto me. She put the bottle into one of those pockets that line the lower end of her scrubs and brought the young lady in for her turn.
I was now alone. Now I had to take the seat next to the.. LASER ROOM. Christ. I could HEAR it working on that poor bastard. It made an electronic buzzing noise, very quick start and stop almost like a helicopter blade swishing through the air over Da Nang. Remember Da Nang? We lost some good men over Da Nang.. wait a minute.. hmmm
Valium must be kicking in.. That was quick. Looks like the ol' "Don't eat anything the night before to ensure an empty stomach and hopefully maximum the absorption effect of the Valium" strategy was paying off in spades. I just shut my eyes, stopped moving, crossed my hands over my lap and tried to feel what it was like to have Valium in my system. What was really cool was that I could actually concentrate. No recurring fleeting images of something-going-wrong in the operation room. None of that. I noticed that I was calming down. Awesome. I'm going to get through this without making a scene. Then the door opened and you can just screw all that I just said.
You ever watch National Geographic about the Serengeti ? You know.. the cheetahs running at 60 mph, the hippos wading in the water.. the lions stalking the gazelles.
Well, I remember in my childhood watching these movies in grade school when the teacher was too hung over to actually teach arithmetic or something. He really just wanted to put on a movie, turn out the lights and silently bleed to death in the corner. We, the class of students, would be too interested in the sudden death chases of the animal kingdom to notice that he/she was leaving the classroom to attend to one of nature's cruelest jokes. Anyway, the one scene that always drew my most interest was the one where the predators eventually caught their intended victims and dragged them to the ground. Yeah, when the gazelles were running scared trying to elude capture, and even up to the point where they were finally caught from behind and brought down to Mother Earth for the last time, they were kicking and screaming and trying to stay alive.
But there comes that POINT. You know what I'm talking about. That point in time where it just doesn't matter anymore. They knew they were dead and just waiting for that fatal bite to end the pain and suffering. They stopped fighting, stopped kicking, and succumbed to nature's way. Eyes wide open, yet calm. Maybe only a simple wet licking of the lips in fear and anticipation of the unthinkable fate before them.
I walked into that LASER room as a man and sat down a gazelle. Lips dry and eyes half shut. They asked me to lie down on the surgical-prep table. They glossed over my eye areas with a wet cloth and applied the first of what seemed to be about 40 eye drops to begin the numbing process. Pretty easy.. quick.. felt kinda gunky after about ten minutes, but I knew that I was no longer feeling from up there. Cool. Now the Valium was really kicking in and I just let everything happen. They asked me to rise and walk over to the IntraLase machine. I did. I lay down, and the doc hovered then above me and said those things you expect from a doc.
"How ya doin?"
"Swell", I said. "Just swell".
He then proceeds to inform me that he's going to open my eyes wide, apply the devices that will hold my eyes open during the procedure, and then begin to use the IntraLase to cut the flap. Now here's the funny part. This is, by far, the hardest part of the entire procedure. After this step, it's gravy from here on out. He begins by asking me to open wide. No shit, Sherlock. I do so and he holds the upper lid and lower lid apart with his fingers, then applies these very small metallic clips to fit underneath them, with a spring that pulls them up and down and apart. That was no problem. I was more interested, at this juncture, how the automatic reaction to wanting to blink was going to come to me.. It never did. Good. After this has been completed, he had to put this plastic tube, about the width of your eyeball and about 1" deep over my eye, press down and allow the eye to become fastened inside it as if you were trying to roll marbles through it. This was a son-of-a-bitch and quite uncomfortable. I felt my eye was going to squeeze through and shoot through it like a paper wad does in a peashooter. It didn't HURT, per se, just very unnaturally to have this done to you. He had trouble getting it to fit, because my lids were too small, so it took 4 attempts. Once he feels it is fitting right, he gets confirmation from a nurse to begin "suction". She agrees or disagrees. If disagrees, they lift it and start over again. Once she agrees, she turns something on and you see your peripheral vision begin to go away to gray, not black, but gray until it comes towards the center of your vision.. you then quickly go blind... this is normal. Now, you can't see shit. My left eye was given a black covering while my right eye was prepped for the flap to be made by the IntraLase laser. Once everything was prepped, they moved the table under the laser.. At this point, I can't see, but I can tell what's happening. The laser is brought down mechanically to my right eye and placed on the edge of the plastic cylinder that contains my eyeball.
"OK, Kurt, we're going to begin cutting the flap. It should only take about 60 seconds." The gazelle just lies there.
The first laser begins and I can hear a faint noise, but I feel absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. All I see in front of me in gray color, but I DO see motion. It looks like a liquid image with swirling going around. Like mixing gray paint with olive oil. It was so cool, that my fear was replaced with intrigue about the process. I knew I was going to be ok, so I set myself into enjoying the moment. It worked. With 40 seconds left, they actually began counting down. Reassuring voices that everything was going ok.. Don't move. Again, no shit Sherlock. When finished, they took off the apparatus, removed the tube, and I could see again. Now it looked like I was in San Francisco. Foggy. That was normal.
The IntraLase process created a horseshoe-shaped cut on my outer eye. During that process, the material underneath emits millions of tiny bubbles under and around the flap. That creates the foggy perception. When I blink, I can quickly see a dark brown image of a ring of what seems to me to be fat bubbles in a circular shape in front of me. You know when an 8mm movie film begins to burn on the lamp of old-style projectors ? That's what it looks like. But it's very brief. I began to blink my eyes again and again to see this phenomenon. But it was time for me to do the next eye, so they put the black covering over my right. They repeated the process and before I knew it, the first half of my procedure was over and I was walking to the waiting room to let my eyes bubble out. This takes about 20-30 minutes. I now have to flaps ready to go.
I'm sitting now with the poor bastard and the young lady in the waiting room. We know each other are there because we can hear the silent breathing of relief coming from each other and the nurses continuously applying more numbing drops in each of our eyes. They are also frequently opening our lids and peering at them with small flashlights to check the tiny bubbles. At one time we were alone, I decided to strike up some conversation and it went a little something like this:
Tiny bubbles (tiny bubbles)
In the wine (in the wine)
Make me happy (make me happy)
Make me feel fine (make me feel fine)
Don Ho, where were you when we needed you.
Before long, it was time for me to go under the real Eximer Laser to have my eyes adjusted in accordance to my NEW vision. They wheeled me into and under the next machine and this time, it was without blinders or coverings or anything. I looked up the scope to see a blinking red light and was told to concentrate on it. I did. At this time, the doc then looks into his microscope, finds the leading edge of the flap, and with tweezers, gently LIFTS it up and crosses it over - thusly exposing my inner cornea. This was not painful, not even really uncomfortable, but WEIRD to see. Naturally, the images got distorted as if you had a wet, plastic or glass warp the image in front of you and it caused the red light to move all over the place from my point of view. When it was firmly placed along the outside wall of my eye, they said to again, stare at this blinking light.. your peripheral vision was still good enough to see the whole machine, so I was looking at this large, vented, light blue light emitting gargantuan metallic beast then lower towards me.. It was like something out of Close Encounters. Then the laser started. I was told to remain still. The chopper-sound began and I saw some light flashing, almost like machine-gun fire. Felt nothing. But noticed that the flash came FROM the machine and ended at the edge of my eye. Fascinating.
Then you smelled it. It wasn't totally alarming, but you won't find it in any fragrance store at your local department store, either.
Ten seconds. Done. It's over. They gently put the flap back, and quickly moved the machine over to do my left eye. Twelve seconds. Done. Put flap back, now stand up and walk this way. Incredible.
They immediately put me into a patient’s waiting room where I was then testing my new vision. It was about 5 minutes when I began noticing that I could see again very sharply. I used the reading chart on the wall and noticed now that the small print was no longer small. It worked THAT FAST.
A nurse came in, looked at my eyes one last time, and gave me a sack of stuff to take home. A care pack of eye drops w/ instructions to come back tomorrow morning for a checkup. They also gave me some plastic shields to tape onto my face to make sure nothing touches my eyes.. I had to wear them the first 24 hours and removed them this morning. I'm using the drops now and having no problems.
I can see very clearly. In my office visit, I tested at 20/20 already this morning, just 24 hours after the procedure was completed. They said improvement continues for about 4-5 days and that if I'm seeing 20/20 now, I can expect 20/15 by the middle of next week.
When I look at trees now, I see each individual LEAF..
It's truly amazing.
The hardest part is the anticipation, bar none. This was about as painless and simple as it's advertised. Walking out, I also experienced the "I can't believe I got so worked up over that" that I heard everyone whose had it try to explain to me. It's true.
I can safely say that this is the best money I've ever spent on myself.
Hope you enjoyed it.
Kurt"
It still freaks me out.
Kurt:
Loved your account. It convinced me to gor for Lasik. I am having it done this afternoon, and, like oyurself I feel nauseous just thinking aobut it. Maybe I will take the valium too.
Wish me luck.
Best regards,
Joe N.
November 26, 2003, I had Lasik surgery with InterLase (laser to cut the flap), too. I just had my 3 month check up and my vision is still 20/20!!! My prescription was -4.75 and -5.0 with astigmatism so this is truly awesome. My account of the procedure is almost the same with a few exceptions. I only mention them because I was expecting the clear vision immediately after the procdure as I had heard others report, and when this didn’t happen (it took a few days), I was worried that something was wrong. My vision was quite blurry after the procedure and on the drive home my light sensitivity so severe (even with the large black glasses) that I had to keep my eyes closed. They told me that this would be the case though and that the first day you should go home and sleep. Since I hadn’t slept much the night before and with the Ativan this was easy. As it turned out all my worries were unfounded and when I woke up, I could already see better and the light sensitivity was improved. My eyes continued to improve and I was able to drive after the first day. My vision has been 20/20 at each visit after that and it is so exciting to be able to see each leaf too!!!!!!! I would recommend it--and I was as nervous as any at the thought of someone messing with my eyes.
Anne
Ive always wanted to have laser surgery done on my eyes (I actually have to, to be able to do what Ive always wanted: join the Air Force). I need 20/20 vision uncorrected, so I hope I can have laser surgery and join no prob. I found this site looking up info on how they numb the eyes; I heard rumours that they actually stuck needles into your eye on some cases… thatd be no good, never could do that… unless it was the only way. Anyways, thanks, maybe I might get laser surgery now too, since it doesnt really seem that bad. Thanks!
Hi.
I have a quick question.
What kind of tests did they do on you?
Did they do that test where you sit in front of a machine and a bunch of rings light up and the light spins around?
Was there a motor that was making the lights spin?
I’m interested in Corneal topographers but never have had one.
WCould you please tell me how the test felt?
What you heard during the test and some other things?
Interesting story!
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