this page intentionally left blank

I am still not feeling well, so I got a ride home with Joe. We both worked late, so we didn't even get out of the office until after 6:30. Joe is "old school" employee and I am a "new" guy (meaning, his friends have been co-workers for decades and I've only been there less than 2 years). A lot of his friends were laid off today. There was a gathering at the "old" bar that they used to go to... he wanted to go. It wasn't my place to stand in the way. After all, I am the free passenger here. I knew what lay ahead without even consciously thinking about it. We arrived at the parking lot... he was eager to meet up with "the guys" and drown sorrows in beer. I country way of "pourin' a fo-tee fo yo homies" if you will. She was there. I saw her car as soon as we turned the corner. I wanted to participate and be a supportive member of the group... offer my condolences... buy a round or two. I just couldn't. I felt so awkward. I don't want to say I won't go back again... I just need to kill the butterflies in my stomach. Was I so much a fool to believe that the click wasn't one sided. I, apparently, was that very thing. So, I thanked him graciously for his assistance in getting me closer to home and packed up my six-guns (a geek's laptop) and hit the trail... get along lil' dogie. My nifty little MP3 player kept me company and I played music to take my mind off it. I am an idiot. Truly... an idiot. I was about half way home (from the commencement of my walk) when John (friend from work) saw me and picked me up. I knew he was dying to know why I was on foot. I couldn't talk about it. He knows them. He knows her. Telling someone in a circle of friends, no matter how good their intentions, is like gently dropping a tiny pebble on the placid, smooth surface of a tiny pond. The ripples of that shared confidence will spread throughout the circle... soon reaching the one bank of the pond that you never wanted to disturb. Denial and preoccupation is the best medicine for me right now because I know that in time, I'll forget what I was denying and it will have never happened (not really, but I was practicing the whole denial bit). So, Stephen is coming by to take me to the Galleria at 8:00. I know that is cutting it close, but I need a cell phone charger as mine is in Sean's bedroom (in Austin... 3 hours away). Until then, my only mobile connectivity to the outside world is pager. I never get paged because everyone calls my cell. The other day, my pager went off and I was looking around... "what the hell is that?". In retrospect, it was quite hilarious. I hope she is doing great. Sadly, I still find myself disappointed. She was great. I really, really, really, really do not want to clean the house. (sigh...)