Time away from familiar surroundings and many hours on the road leaves opportunity to think... a lot. So many observations about myself and how I'm dealing with this "situation" run around in my head, but I'm generally not happy with how things are going. I find myself not being able to paint the images in my head as clearly as I could a few weeks ago. Things are foggy. Maybe it is my exhaustion from the trip and I just need to recharge. I find myself immediately noticing things like the presence of a wedding band on everyone's finger or how conversations within earshot always seem to drift to children, wives, and family... plans and memories. The perceived happiness of others is a bitter sting in an already tender wound. I'm not saying I don't want others to be happy... quite the contrary... I'm just saying that I've become ever so sensitive to queues around me that remind me of what we had together and that my precious mate is gone. I feel so adrift with so many questions... many of which I don't even want to know the answer. I am torn apart by the thought of the process of her death... was she scared? did she hurt? was it quick? I question how happy she was with me or how I was as a husband to her. I question and wonder things that I never would have before. It is torment. These are the dark things that cause man to fall upon himself. These are the things we each have to face and overcome at some point. I love Erin more than I can express on this insignificant blog. I believe she felt loved and was happy. Why do I feel so guilty as if I failed her? The mind begins to "what if" and question down the path that can only lead to insanity and self destruction. I can only assume this is part of the overall process, but where does it all lead? I look at myself in the mirror each day and all I see is a sad remnant of the man I was once. I feel like all the best parts of me died with her. I'm scared and want her to hold me and tell me she loves me... tell me it's ok.
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” Why do I feel so guilty as if I failed her?”
Gravity and the lack of an antagonist. You are a good husband, provider, and man. Right now you are sad. You’ll recover and inspire others, but you’ll have to work hard at it.
I have another friend that I work with in the community named Dan Barr. A real nice man who has made possible many compromises in the community because of his ability to see many sides of the issues.
About a year ago he lost his leg to diabetes. A couple of months later his wife was raped brutally near their home. And then six months ago, of all things, she was hit by a car by a friend and died. A very tragic set of situations.
He and I have become pretty close the last year, but I still have a tough time grasping his unfailing positive outlook. I think much of it has to do with activity. Setting and achieving goals. Reaching positive milestones. Seems like it keeps the mind focused on the challenges in life that you can tackle. The serenity prayer put into practice.
Anyhoo..
http://www.mplonsky.com/photo/
It’s normal that you’re not able to picture your memories as clearly as you were able to. But you will not lose your memories of her. Trust me. You won’t ever forget her. It’s okay not to think of her for every second of your life, she’ll be there anyway, in your heart, in your brain, and as I believe it, watching over you.
It’s hard to let go if you try to picture her all the time. Trust me, she’ll still be there if you relax.
What helped me when my beloved granddad died was ask him “What do you want me to do?” I could almost hear him ask me to smile for him. So I told him every day what I had done and what I had enjoyed and what I didn’t enjoy, and I knew he approved so much more of the occasions when I told him how much fun I had (and smiled for him) than when I told him how much I missed him and how I couldn’t work the garden like he did.
Ask her what she wants you to do. She loves you. She’ll tell you to enjoy what you can in your life. She won’t tell you she wants you to be in pain forever. She knows you won’t be, and I know that too. This will pass, but your love and your memories will stay.
Antje
I think Antje hit the nail on the head. “Ask her what she wants you to do. She loves you.” So eloquently stated, this advice should be taped to your bathroom mirror and used as a mantra for the tough times. Thoughts and prayers, Clayton. Godspeed.
That was beautiful, Antje.
Thinking of you, Clayton.
I stumbled across your blog somehow and I don’t know if words from someone you don’t know or who you have never met helps but I hope they do. Trust me, things will get better. Don’t question whether or not she was happy when she was with you, just trust in your heart that you know she was.
You have a long road ahead of you and I know it will be a difficulty one but when you emerge on the other side of this tunnel I believe you will feel better then you have in awhile.
I don’t know if this helped in any way but I do wish and hope for the best for you, and while I am not a very religious man, I will say a pray for you.
Real Mothers Are So admirable.
i havent read any of the text on this page...i spoke from the pic alone, and personnal sentiments
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