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Today is Erin's 27th birthday. I don't know how to express the melting pot of emotion I've been going through this past week, but I can perhaps clarify a few things for those not around me. I'm not even sure how to piece together my thoughts or even really what I want to say. I've received such support this week and am truly blessed to have people in my life that are so quick to be there for a friend in need. I understand how awkward it probably is to be in the shoes of someone looking in... there isn't anything to say or do that will make a difference in the midst of this tragedy. I know this and have tried to give as much grace as I possibly can for others to fumble through those uneasy conversations because I know that your intention is well placed and I feel the message underneath. So please don't apologize... there is no need. I also wanted to mention that I am not angry or full of some hate because of Erin's death. I'm not working through those emotions because they simply are not there to address. My wife was a Christian woman that was strong in her faith. I know she is with God. I know that I don't have to understand it all. She inspired me on every level to be better... more than I am. There were no bad times. There were no fights or arguments. Every moment we were together was full of mutual respect, admiration, and love. We made a home and had a family. It would seem that at any given instant I am smiling at her inside and longing for that day I can see her again while simultaneously feeling the most torturous pain I can recall in my short 34 (almost 35) years. My stomach in knots and providing only small windows of opportunity where the ability to eat presents itself. A weight upon my heart that is inexplicable. I've led a relatively adventurous life. I've traveled the world. I've seen wonders and experienced amazement. I've worn my heart on my sleeve and experienced love. I've shared with others and received. I have breathed failure and despair. I've overcome to achieved success and great things. I've witnessed life and death. We all have our path that we walk here and largely it unfolds before us completely out of our control regardless of how we plan, prepare, or think. As I reflect on my life and all the things that cumulatively comprise my being today, I surprisingly have found a great emptiness. Things that seemed important to me are trivial. Things that were of no consequence would seem paramount. Confusion and fear are a couple of descriptors that come to mind, but I can quickly place them aside because I realize I don't have control over anything anymore. Everything that I had become before last weekend was about being her husband and providing happiness where I could. I see in retrospect the small places where I could have done better, but we all have our flaws to discover. She was loved in life and I believe that she was happy. Her relationship with Henry was so special. I find myself asking her for help in how to comfort him because I can tell he is scared and confused. He looks for mommy often. He is a handful for sure and it's going to be hard filling her shoes with him. What a demanding little boy! This week has seemed like a year to me. Obviously I took off work. I found it hard to breathe much less think about functioning around people. I remember our last conversation on the phone. She was so happy. That was last Friday night (June 2). She was working late because I forgot to make the veterinarian appointment for the dogs. She had planned on coming home to pick them up and take them for their check up. Erin worked for a couple in The Woodlands as a personal assistant and office administrator. The couple was out of town on vacation in Mexico at the time. In addition to her normal job duties when they were gone, she cared for their home and pets. She was finishing up some work Friday night and making sure the dogs were fed, etc. when the sister of one of the home owners (Erin's employer's sister) came by to check up on the dogs and house. Her and Erin sat down for a visit and like most everyone Erin met, they hit it off and had some great conversation. The girl was recently engaged to be married and apparently was having some trouble planning details of the wedding and reception. Erin was fabulous at that sort of thing and offered to help her out, so they made a lunch date for Saturday (June 3) to talk it over and start the planning. They were having such a good time hanging out that she called her fiancé to come over. He brought over "bar-b-que fixins'" and they invited a few additional friends/family over, fired up the grill, and started to have a little cookout/pool party at the house. I was home keeping our little munchkin company and these details are what I received from Erin on our brief telephone conversations over the course of the evening. Each time I talked to her, she reiterated that she was just having a fantastic time and she sounded so happy to be having such unexpected fun. She had borrowed a swim suit from her bosses closet since she didn't have one with her at work and they were having wine and grilled goodies out back while enjoying the hot tub and the pool. My last phone call of the night was at 11:09. It was getting later and I was tired. I wanted to check on her ETA. When she answered, she was in the kitchen of their home straightening up while the others were outside. She sounded a little tipsy so I asked if she planned on driving home and how much she had to drink that evening. She told me she planned on staying a while longer and coming home after everyone left so she could tidy up the place and that she'd had 3 or 4 glasses of wine. I asked her to not try to drive home after drinking. After her accident in January, the mere thought of something happening to her was a terror much easier to visualize. You never know, right? She told me she didn't want me to be angry with her and I explained that I wasn't mad at all... just worried for her safety. Then she thanked me for caring so much about her. She said that she respected my judgment and "that's what husbands and wives are for... to look out for each other and let each other know things like this... when they have had to much to drive". I asked her to just stay and have fun hanging out with her new found friends and sleep there to be safe. She said she would sleep on the couch and call me first thing in the morning when she woke up. She also mentioned she would probably stop by to clean up and change clothes before her lunch date with the engaged sister of her employer the next day. I'm almost certain we exchanged our I-love-you's like we always do and said goodnight to each other. We both hated sleeping apart. She never called. Henry woke me up sometime around 9 or so. I remember not really starting to worry until close to lunch. I could see her sleeping in after being up late the night before so I tried not to fear. I called her a few times throughout the morning on both her personal cell and her work cell. As the hours passed I felt sick with worry. I drove to The Woodlands a couple of times trying to find her boss's home because although I'd met them once before, I had never been to their residence. Finally, after probably 50 calls of phones ringing through to voicemail they stopped and went straight to voicemail. I must have run down the batteries with all my calling, I thought to myself. I finally Googled the correct address and headed back to The Woodlands for another look. I passed a news van on the way into the subdivision, but thought surely it was coincidental and had nothing to do with her being missing. I had already called the police about a missing persons report but they simply had taken my number down and said they would have an officer call me. I found the house and her car safely in the driveway. Maybe she is out with this new friend she met, I thought. I looked through the windows and peeked around back all with no sign of Erin. The officer called me at that point and told me if I wanted to file a missing persons report I needed to stop by his office to fill out some paperwork. I was sick with fear. She was my whole life... what would I do if something bad should happen to her? I got the directions and headed toward the station. This was around 7:00 and I'd spent my entire day searching and worried. As it turns out, the whole time I was up north looking for my wife, the police were at my house looking for me. When Erin didn't show up for her lunch date with her new friend, she knew that she told me on the phone she was staying on the couch rather than driving, so she went to the house to see if she just overslept. She found Erin in the pool... drowned. It chills me to type it. I can't get my mind around my baby dying. She called 911 and her fiancé. When he arrived, the two of them removed her body from the pool and waited for the police. The new van was for her. All my fears were real. The love of my life was gone... just like that... The detective listened to my whole story. My conversation with Erin the night before and what I'd been doing going crazy all day. Only then did he tell me that my worst fears were true. He said that despite my account (via her) and the people that found her (that were with her the night before) checked out almost word for word, "due to the nature of the accident", an autopsy was ordered. The normal medical examiner was out on vacation so they were bringing in a fill-in from out of town. They wanted to rule out foul play and get a toxicology report. I briefly caught a glimpse of Erin and I snuggled tightly on the couch watching those detective shows (CSI, etc). This was my wife we were talking about. A wave overcame me that had been building all day. I don't know how to explain it, but shock might be a good start. I cried in desperation. How could this be? I called my mother and she set out on the road to be with me. I called my friend Ted because the detective didn't want me to be alone while my mother was in route. My body moved but I don't remember anything but pain. Sean flew in from Los Angeles the next day. I managed to make calls in between breakdowns. I would find a moment of composure and dial the phone to seize that ever so brief instant where I could get the words out before my heart exploded again. The hardest call of all was my mother and father in-laws. I received a lot of calls throughout the week... people offering their condolences and support. It truly is appreciated. I just couldn't take it all in. It was too big. It was just too much. Monday was the morning of the autopsy. I couldn't see her body at the ME's office because it is against their rules to do viewings, so I signed the release form to have her body transferred to a local funeral home. I was so scared to go see her, but I knew it was something I simply had to do. When I walked into the room, I collapsed before her and uncontrollably wept. She was completely covered except for her face to conceal the incisions from the autopsy. It was enough. I looked on in the most surreal state at the body of my wife before me and at that instant felt a small comfort because I realized unequivocally that she was simply not there anymore. It is a hard thing to explain. My wife was with God. While I was at the funeral home, I made arrangements for her body so I wouldn't have to do it alone later. Her body is to be cremated (it's what she wanted) and I'm not having any local services at this time. I am not ready to handle it. My friends and family have tried to keep my mind engaged this week and keep me busy to ease the intensity of mourning. I'm not very good at it. I sat around a lot. I watched a lot of television (and I'm not a big TV guy). I found myself lost in emptiness and pain. I didn't want to put on certain clothes because they were hung or shelved in my closet by her and if I moved them, they would never be put there by her again. I didn't want to pick up her dirty clothes from her closet because they still smell like her. I didn't want to wash her pillowcase or sheets. I didn't want to move her make-up or toiletries. Our entire house is filled with reminders of her. It's not a bad thing by any means... it just hurts so much. Her little toolbox in the garage or projects around the house she had in-progress... plants she was nurturing... everything... everywhere... it is all her. My life was about being with her and growing old with her. What am I to do? I managed (with the help of my mother and friends) to make some progress even if only a few baby steps. Ted took me to pick up her car last weekend and Sean went with me to get it all washed up and placed in our garage until I can think about what I'm to do with it. She loved her new car sooooo much. It is terribly cliché, but one day at a time is all we have. I find myself praying a lot for help... guidance. I know the best way to honor my wife is to serve God the way she did, but I'm a little rough around the edges. I also managed to move a lot of her schtuff into our master bathroom where I assume someday I'll sort it and put it away, but her closet is still as is... I can only take a little at a time. I've been out to eat a few times with my mother and friends. Most of the time I can make it through a meal/outing without breaking into tears. The first couple of days were the worst. The pain is a constant ache now more than sharp and debilitating. Last week I found myself exhausted and weak all the time. If you can image waking up and trying to clench a fist with those morning muscles we sometimes get... picture that over your entire body all the time. This week is better. My mother left this weekend to go home for a bit and Sean suggested that we go see a music show last night. I wasn't up to it at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought about what Erin would want. It was nice to get out and to spend time with friends, but my heart was heavy all night. When midnight came I was struggling to hide my emotion in what was otherwise a great evening. Erin's birthday. I'm probably going back to work this week. I need to go eventually and there isn't anything that anyone can do to help me get through this... it is just going to take time. I'm scared. I'm thankful for all of you in my life that have kept me in your thoughts and prayers. It's really all I could hope for... and it means so much to me even if I haven't been very communicative this last week. All my dreams and our plans for the future are just wisps of memory now and the thought of days, months, and years ahead is overwhelming. I hope that I can always be the man Erin would be proud of and I pray with everything that I am that I see her again someday. Be good to each other... Happy birthday Erin Lynn... I miss you so much.