i love you, erin |
I bought my wife a beautiful Christmas card. I can't look at it and make for a pen without crying to the point I can't see to write. Christmas is more than different just because she's gone. It's not been the same since my grandfather died almost 10 years ago. When I was a young boy, Christmas was my favorite holiday. It wasn't the presents like you might think. It was the gathering. My mother's parents hosted these grand family holidays and the aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. came from all around to enjoy each other's company for that special day. There were holiday traditions of food and merriment. It was special. Perhaps it wasn't only the patriarch's failing health, but also a social change in each of us. I would like to think I am not a contributor, but am willing to entertain the possibility I am not without fault. Everyone seems to be wrapped up in their own microcosm... putting self before others... placing more importance on material substance than emotional bonding or spiritual fulfillment. Christmas is no longer about loved ones celebrating the birth of Christ and celebrating each other... that seems long lost. My personal pain and suffering are merely amplified in knowing that my shining star on this day, who never lost it's meaning, is no longer here to share with me all the wonderful things she brought to my life... and allowed me to bring to hers. I called her parents this morning, but could barely choke out words. I could not be more humble than I am at this instant in knowing my heart is at the bottom with no where to go but up. I miss EL more than I could possible find the words to describe. I love her more deeply than I knew possible of a man. I am forever in her debt for how she changed my life and whatever road may lay ahead of me in life, I am now and will forever be her husband.
May your holiday be safe... and in whatever way you need, be merry.
You’re absolutely right about family gatherings (or lack thereof) and the “reason for the season.” I’m like you; I enjoy the gathering way more than the gifts.
I know how you feel about the family gatherings. My grampa passed away 6 years ago, everyone still gets together, but there’s always something not quite in place. At my Grama’s house earlier today I found this writing board that I wrote on in pencil… I had to be about… uh… whatever age it is when you learn your times tables… Anywho, I wrote a note to my Grampa on this board for him to figure out some big number multiplication problem, and below my poor grammar/spelling was the answer in his handwriting.
The past few days my heart would break for you every once in a while… but then it’s back to work. You’re always in my thoughts my friend.
My mom’s family threw an awesome Christmas party every year when I was a kid. It was the greatest thing about the holiday and I have never been to a party that even closely compares to it - primarily, I am sure, because it was all about family. I remember so many details about those parties and yet have trouble remembering the gifts I received (with the exception of a BMX) on Christmas.
But I still love amazing my kids on Christmas morning but am not real big on getting gifts myself. And after all the gifts were open, my oldest said “It’s Jesus’ birthday!”. That was a fantastic gift right there!
c-
used to read tpilb
i went mia fom the internet for a few years
and
just read about EL two weeks ago
i don’t know what to say
but
you are on my mind
every day
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