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This was my baby... when it came to sweets, she could eat until she was sleepy and sleep until she was hungry.

Do you ever have a lot to say but no way to assemble it for presentation? That is me most of the time. A lot of feelings I'm dealing with are discreet and individual in their presence and effect in and on my daily life, but when I ponder description to someone outside the fishbowl, it all sounds the same... redundant, repetitive, ridiculous. I never made it to Whataburger. Erin loved this little Italian restaurant in The Woodlands called Sweet Bella... the one that makes her favorite cheesecake that I begged into staying late after close so I could pick up a piece on her birthday the week after her death just so I could pour her a glass of white wine and serve her cheesecake at our house for her birthday... one month ago today. Well, apparently I can go in there now without freaking out the customers as the "crazy emotional crying guy in the line". That is where I had dinner. I've been in there many times since it happened, just never without ending up in a puddle. (On a side note, I find myself wanting to type "her accident" or "the event" or "it happened" rather than using the word "death" or "died". I type what feels better and sometimes backspace to replace it with 'the fact' I find immensely uncomfortable. This contributes, I'm sure, to my already poor grammar.) The meal was quite nice and set the stage for an evening of minimal emotional distress. I woke up this morning terribly depressed though and laid there crying in bed until I forced myself to make way to the computer to email my coworker that I was working from my home office today. I hope it was just residuals from a bad dream or perhaps a night of missing her in my sleep rather than a glimpse of what my entire day will be like. It is hard enough to hurt this intensely in short bursts, but when sustained throughout the day it is unbearable. There is a contractor (I assume sub-contracted to the utility district) with an army of trucks working on the sewer system in my neighborhood. I don't know exactly what they are doing, but I received a notice that there was going to be "reduced capacity" today for water and sewer related service. Interesting. I heard a drilling sound, large POP!, and subsequent WHOOOOSH! coming from my neighbor's yard a little while ago. I peeked out to see some orange-vested fellows standing in a semi-circle scratching their heads. That can't be a good sign. I unpackaged my new scanner that arrived the other day (hence the photo of EL around 2 years of age). I have a lot of old photos of her that I want to archive digitally. As it turns out, I have nothing but time to kill, so maybe I can work my way through that project someday. It is emotionally difficult, so I procrastinate. I find myself just pushing things away rather than dealing with them now. I expect it will catch up to me eventually. Hopefully I'll have gained my sea legs by then! With regard to the scanner itself, it claims to scan 4800x9600 dpi, but I tend to believe that to be marketechture. The optical resolution can't be more than around 1200 dpi (I think). I'm not big on reading manuals and usually dive right in. It also scans slides and film negatives. I have a big 'ole box of negatives from back when I shot film in the 90's that I hope to dig through and salvage a few I like. More things to-do to pass the time. I wish more than anything that I was EL on a nice vacation away together... just the two of us.