I know that Erin would want me to continue to live and do good things. I know she supports me in all that I am. Ironically, the zest and passion for living life to it's fullest that embodied who she was on every level seems a distant dream. I lack interest in anything but waiting to die. The words seem harsh to type, but it is true. I notice it in every aspect of my life. Things that were interesting to me... goals set... plans made... sights to devour... the wonderment of what the future held... all meaningless at the moment. The only thing I seems to care about is the precious few memories I have compared to all the ones to be. I recently received some photos of my Grandmother (my father's mother) who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. The thought of ever losing these precious memories terrify me. I could lose all else, but not that... please never that...
Henry used to snuggle with mommy the most |
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Henry was extra snuggly last night and this morning. It made it so hard to get out of bed. He used to convince Erin to sleep in and keep him company on a regular basis. I dragged myself to the bathroom to prepare for work... reminders of her all around me... but this time she wasn't sleeping peacefully in the other room. Just like yesterday, I made it a few minutes before the haze of sleep began to wear off and I wept. It has started to get to where I almost have to pull over on the way to work for fear of passing out in the car while driving. The crying intensifies to dizziness and nausea. It's silly... but uncontrollable.
I gathered the strength to finally check Erin's email yesterday. She was always tinkering with online coupons and discounts for her projects and such... very crafty. After weeding through a ton of SPAM from the two weeks of neglect, I found a few emails from friends of hers that didn't know yet. I have composed letters to a few of them... most of them... but still have some to do. It is painful to revisit the details again, so I find myself skipping to a synopsis. I hope it doesn't come across as uncaring. It is only done in selfish and hasty self-protection. Over and out. To deal with another day. I am weak that way I suppose.
I only worked a half day at the office yesterday due to being completely overwhelmed at the prospect of functioning like a normal human being again combined with having to go to the funeral home to pick up the cremated remains of my better half. I went in this morning again managing to dry my eyes before walking through the foyer and making to my desk behind a closed door before losing composure again. I had a meeting at 10:30 today however, that forced me to act. It was incredibly difficult, but I managed. I drove home afterwards to work from the house. Being out in the real world amongst strangers this morning for the meeting is what confirmed my apathy for existence. I have to believe that this too will pass, but it is very real at the moment.
Last night, Sam invited Sean and I over to his house (about 2 blocks away) for dinner. He grilled steak, sausage, tilapia, squash, and corn. Everything tastes better fresh off the grill, no? I quietly participated and appreciated the hospitality and care. His two sons made me smile. I love kids. Although Erin and I didn't have plans for children, I know she would have been the most amazing mother. I would have given her a family if she had ever decided it is what she wanted. I would have given her anything. After dinner, we sat in Sam's living room and enjoyed a couple of movies. I felt myself thinking of Henry and worrying about how he was feeling at home alone, but pushed the thoughts aside. Overall, it was a very nice time.
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My life is a whirlwind of chaos. Loose ends... social, economical, and psychological schtuff to figure out and deal with... it makes me tired to think about. I start to think I'm ready to sort... then I get all shaky and discombobulated. I wish I could hold her to take it all away. Disorganization is what is left when the emotional dust settles for an instant. That is usually when I just want to lay down and sleep because it is too much. I'm a wreck.
They say that life moves faster as you age and to some extent I've experienced that... or am experiencing it still.
It can't move fast enough anymore.
from a crawfish boil at Mike Roger's place last year |
No one’s loss is ever the same, but I’ll share this with you. My brother lost his fiance’ two years ago just months shy of their wedding. She had a pain in her side, went for an MRI and was sent directly to the hospital, that night ICU on a ventilator and two weeks later she was gone. At 40 years old he’d never married and was completely lost. Didn’t know what to do. This August will be two years and he’s still a bit shaky at times. I’m not saying that to scare you, but rather to say that maybe its easier to stop wondering when you’ll stop feeling that way.
The pain of that incredible loss will never go away, and you won’t want it to. It will just become easier to deal with over time.
Obviously I didn’t know her, but I did read about her alot on your blog. Everything you wrote about her made her sound beautiful and vibrant. Cherish that, and don’t feel guilty for how that pain manifests itself because what every post you’ve written is truly saying is, it REALLY IS better to have loved and lost (for now) than to have never loved at all.
I am uncertain what to say. What I can say is that I am most sorry for your loss and that my strongest and most deepest condolences to you. I just now saw all of this and I read much today and have been debating what to say and all I can say is that in my prayers, may God watch over you Clayton, and may God bring you peace in your heart.
Clayton, I just wanted you to know that I am still thinking about you and can’t stop reading about how you are doing. I wish I had known Erin Lynn because she was beautiful on the outside and inside. She was one lucky girl to be loved so completely. I am sorry that it was cut so short. I am deeply affected by your hurt and sadness. I wish I could take at least an ounce of it away. I know you are strong. Keep your faith and I will keep praying for you.
I am going to be in Houston this weekend if you want a hug. 361-986-1599 or 361-443-2019
I pray for you everday. I have no idea what it must be like for you. I know it may be quite a while, but you will be ok. There are people that care about you and that pray for you, people you don’t even know! My friend said this to me, “Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.”
I met Erin twice. The first time was at Barney’s and the second was a day she came in the office. She had her hair in a knot, getting water from the cooler. I can’t remember what she was talking about, but she was happy and smiling and bubbly! That’s all I know of her and I think that’s very nice!
Be patient, pray and continue to write! That’s exactly what I would be doing! You will be ok Clayton.
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