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I just got home from the grocery. I hate going there now. It is full of happy couples, beaming children, pregnant mothers, and people content with their lives. I don't like public places because of all the imagery. Topically, I don't care that many are subliminally miserable and unfulfilled. Don't get me wrong... I want them to be happy. It is the outward appearance of happiness that hurts... the perception. I am only human and I need to be loved... just like everybody else does. Heh. I trudged through the tiny smiles and holding hands and found the bare necessities. Water. Wine. Beer. I paused to think about food. What will I eat? I'll eat the memory of food. I had a nice lunch with Ted and Barrett (who drove half way across town to meet me because I didn't want to drive anywhere... what fine gents) at Erin's favorite local Italian place. You know, the one with the out-of-this-world cheesecake? So we finish our meal and the owner of the restaurant brings out an unsolicited piece of her cheesecake... because he knew... on the house. It was simultaneously sweet and heartbreaking. I feel myself coping in new and improved fashions, but this brings guilt. It's complicated. My mind is always racing. I struggle in search of peace. I have always been a spontaneous person... impractically just short of caution-to-the-wind on the scale, but often it's worked out well. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I think so many people live their whole lives and never embrace their emotions to discover what could be but rather accept never knowing. Always wishing, but never experiencing. It can lead to pain, but equally to tremendous joy. A coin toss... you only have to flip and open your eyes. Today my spontaneity was impulse shopping. I have a weakness for it and it makes me feel better... just a little. Some women buy shoes... my inner woman buys whatever is in arms reach that looks kinda cool at the grocery. I came home with more dog toys for a pair of canines with already too many. I bought a little cargo style khaki fishing vest and matching hat for Henry. He doesn't usually wear clothes, but it ended up in the cart anyway. I bought a new pair of shorts within which to sit around the house. I went over to the movie section searching for some solace. I thought a nice romance with a happy ending, a fiendishly funny comedy, or a titillating, action packed adventure would nice. I then realized that I'd probably just be depressed I was watching them alone and it would be counterproductive. I took an Ambien last night to sleep. It was the first full night of sleep I've had in weeks. I wish I could say it was restful. I woke up just in time to completely break down in tears. My night was full of nightmares, but the reality of my morning was much worse. Work was busy and the day passed at varying speed. In the moments I wasn't busy, I tried to linger in the memory of my weekend rather than the moment of its completion. I visited childhood friends and family. I found myself remembering thoughts and feelings I'd tucked away because of time, distance, and circumstances beyond my control. I smiled and laughed. I reminisced of different times and glimpsed at hope. I found amidst the hussle bussle of my visit a common thread that has been with me for years and a tiny little slice of myself that I've been ignoring for months. At night, when everything was very still, I found some peace. I miss that... again.

Green.