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When Erin volunteered at the Women's Center, she made many new friends as I mentioned previously. When they contacted me about planting a tree for her, it was then that I had the opportunity to meet many of them for the first time. Yesterday morning I got up early and attended church with one of them that had asked me to go when I go back in town. It was a nice service... a little more production that I'm used to with the full band including horns and woodwinds, electric and otherwise keyboard instruments, drums, guitars, etc... but I managed. They even had a giant theater-sized screen with a PowerPoint to guide the service and hymns. There was a focus on Independence Day and spiritual independence was cleverly tossed in to segue in and out of the sermon portion of the program. There was a lot of scary banter about the dark and terrible things you will find in hell as you should expect from a Baptist church expecting to live up to the stereotype, but it wasn't as stereotypical as I had prepared myself for... it was quite pleasant. The people were nice and welcoming. I even witnessed a baptism. Special. The lady I went with is one of those little old ladies that is made out of sugar... sweet as sweet can be. When it was over, I was on my way out and she snatched up my hand and proceeded to tell me that she was taking me to lunch. No questions asked. I guess that settled it. The two of us ate at a local pizzeria where there were a few county sheriff employees also eating. I think one of them was the officer initially on the scene when Erin's body was found, but I couldn't be sure. It made my meal uncomfortable. She and I chatted about this and that and how her daughter just gave her a Yorkie puppy for her birthday. The rest of the conversation was me repeating Erin's words about this Yorkie parenting. It is no small feat and no recommended for the casual pet owner. They are incredibly intelligent and demanding in all respects. Erin had attended a small non-denominational Christian church a few times over the last year and had always wanted us to go together, but for some reason or another that never happened. It was my fault. I told myself when she died that I would go there and she what it was that she saw... experience why she wanted us to visit. As it turns out, the service was starting just as Erin's friend, Nancy, and I were finishing up lunch. So I was off to church service number 2, but the one I really was out of the house for to begin with... Erin's. It was wonderful. Other than me not being able to stop balling the entire time (almost), it was just precious. The pastor is my kind of leader... a man I respect. The congregation was very small (less than 25 people), but it was just where I needed to be. I think I finally finished around 3:30 or 3:45 yesterday afternoon and headed home with a lot to think about. Ted came over to hang out for a bit and see how I was doing. I was ok. Eventually, Sam stopped by and we went out for about an hour or so to grab a bite to eat and a beer. Sam had some hankering to play a game of pool, so he got that out of his system. The children in my neighborhood were igniting fireworks, so I was worried about the emotional wellbeing of my pets. They get scared at the sound of the booms and bangs as they are unfamiliar with the couple-of-days-a-year festivities. When I got home I was tired and eager to sleep. I hadn't slept well the night before (again) and was ready to give it another go. This morning I laid in bed for a long time. I was on her side of the bed... where she had slept so many nights. I got up and grabbed a DDP since I'm out of Diet Coke and wasn't ready to grind a bean. I wandered the silent house like I do every morning. It is wet outside... very wet. It's been raining daily (or in this case, nightly). We have a family of woodpeckers that come by to inspect our trees each morning. I look for them when I let the dogs out to potty. Mom and Bob bought me a bat house while they were here. I always wonder if there is a tenant when I see it up there now hanging from the side of the tree. I seem to be ok in the house... just numb... until I see something that reminds me of her laugh or smile. She was so alive. She loved me and wanted to share that life with me. It is unbearable to be left here, yet I never die in my sleep. Ironic. My computer room/home office is in one of our upstairs bedrooms at the end of the hall. Every time I walk to it, I pass her little library room. It is the room that much of our wedding memories (photo albums, etc) are in as well as Erin's urn and some books that were precious to her. It's walls also display a couple of paintings she did that bring tears to my eyes when I see them. I pass that room with my head down questioning with each step if today I'm going to be strong enough to go in there or if I'm again going to say "tomorrow". I've been in many times... I just have to be ready. This weekend has been tremendously difficult. I see the moments of progress. I feel it all in between. I had a lot I wanted to write about this morning that had substance, but my sadness turned this into more of a recount of recent events in chronological sequence. Not really what I intended, but it is all I can do this morning. I miss her. I'm going to attempt to give Henry a haircut. He doesn't know (yet). I need to get out of the house for a little bit because I don't want to sit around and cry all day, but I need to be back before the fireworks start at dusk so my babies aren't terrified. Maybe I'll be better prepared to write then... maybe not. I love you Erin Lynn.