Back in Houston, but still far from home…
The thing I find ironic at the moment is my lack of anything to say. I am a whirlwind of emotions... up and down... lost. My job is as exciting as ever with challenge and change. I am empty, without direction or purpose, as if someone pushed the reset button and I'm starting with nothing only to create my own future. Why would I not have a thought to share amongst it all? I suppose I should mention that I do sincerely appreciate the advice, but willing my life to change is as productive as telling a mentally depressed woman to "snap out of it" or a gay man to "just be straight". There are complexities and definition there that are simply not controllable by choice. It is not as simple as straightening my posture and choosing to step forward with conviction. It doesn't work that way. The best I can tell you is that I continue holding onto to the faith that something will change... eventually. Those of you that know me IRL know that I've been traveling a little this past two weeks or so. I was in Louisiana for couple of days followed by a week in Santa Clara, CA. I just got home yesterday and am weary. I have been so disinterested in life that I find myself doing the minimum to get by each day. This is so not like the me before I lost her. I don't know when I will find that guy again.
you won’t…
but that’s o.k.
he didn’t have half the heart you do…
Good luck. You may not find him the way he was before, but maybe you’ll find someone you like just as much.
You won’t find that guy again. You are different now. There will exist a new guy in his stead, though many of your ‘old guy’ characteristics will indeed come back. It’s not even been a year; cut yourself some slack.
Above and beyond all else, please, please know that you are loved. Thinking of you, pard....
I couldn’t image you’d ever “snap out of it”. I would think you’d have to manage it. I am already getting an unwanted taste of this with my dad - at least I have some time left though. Hang in there and we’ll do some nice cigars and schapps when I get back…
I second the comments from everyone. You won’t find that guy again. Each minute of everyday shapes us and changes us- some good, some not so good. I would venture a guess and say that people going through catastrophic losses are a ball of soft clay, easily shaped and changed. It will be up to you to decide when the design is strong enough to take on new weight.
Deep wounds take a long time to heal. And they leave scars that never entirely go away. Yet somewhere inside you still lies the ability to smile, laugh and most of all ... live. It will emerge again.
Wish we could have latched up while you were in the area. It would’ve been fun! (I’m actually quite harmless). Maybe next time!
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