this page intentionally left blank

- A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both." - Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time. - Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?" Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G#minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!" She claims, "that might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!" Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!" - Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs. - How do you keep your violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case. - How do you stop the spread of a deadly disease?Let EMI distribute it. - How does a violist's brain cell die? Alone. - How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus? On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom. - How many trombonists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, but it's the only thing they won't screw. - Music: A complex organisations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience. - Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again. - Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend. - Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist. - The girl singer says to her saxophonist lover, ³Honey, I think you better pull out now.² He replies, ³Why? Am I sharp?² - Two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving? The policeman - Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?" Friend: "I hope so." - Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch. - What did the drummer get on his IQ Test? Saliva. - What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common? You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it. - What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed. - What do clarinetists use for birth control? Their personalities. - What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm? A tattoo. - What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit? "The Defendant" - What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords? A music critic. - What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians in a band? The drummer. - What is another term for trombone? A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator. - What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner? You have to plug one of them in before it sucks. - What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone? On or off. - What will you never say about a banjo player? That's the banjo player's Porsche. - What's the definition of a minor second interval? Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part. - What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four. - What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet? About three decibels. - What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist? A bad oboist can kill you. - What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon? You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon. - What's the first thing a girl singer does in the morning? Puts on her clothes and goes home. - What's the latest crime wave in New York City? Drive-by trombone solos. - What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher? They both perceive time as an abstract concept. - Why are harps like elderly parents? Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars. - Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player? Upward mobility. - Why do certain people play trombone? Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time. - Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players? It saves time in the long run.