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Just like I said… home… exhausted, but not sleepy.

I’m uncorking the wine.

I’m on the plane at our cruising altitude. The few days I spent at our Herndon office were nothing but positive. My new VP is a fantastic guy that got where he is by “getting it”. He understands the business, the people, and he’s bold and smart enough o get the job done. Other than the potential of more travel, there hasn’t been any downside to my new position in the company. I finished up at the office just after lunch and headed for Dulles early because there simply wasn’t anything left to do. I sat around drinking Bloody Mary after Bloody Mary, thinking about the last few days. I miss being home and my little critters and am looking forward to the weekend of rest, relaxation, and not thinking about work. My plane boarded on time, but much like my outbound flight, sat on the taxiway for a long time waiting to take off. Thunderstorms… again. I am pretty good about keeping perspective in my life and dealing with my current situation. Lonely, alone, and damaged with potential to offer but with neither the will nor ability to be emotionally healthy enough to share my time with anyone. There was a woman on the plane that may be one of the top three or four most beautiful female human beings I have ever witnessed exist in my soon-to-be 36 years on Earth. She was so captivating that, on some level, it was almost painful to gaze upon her. I watched this Discovery channel special on the gentle and docile-by-nature elephants and how they live long family oriented lives focused on community and peace. Until, of course, it’s time to make babies… then all bets are off and shit gets thrown down. Looking at her, I could sense a primal instinct to do battle. Not laser painted air-strikes and sniper rifles… I’m talking about blood drenched hand to hand combat where the winner procreates to survive the species. Animalistic instincts, pheromones, whatever it is, it’s not good and it’s been a long time since this teenage hormonal shit has happened to me. What makes this situation even more frustrating is knowledge of unreachability. She is incredibly intelligent, speaks 6 languages fluently, works as a hired gun financial consulting analyst that flies all over the world to audit and consult for high profile companies. She is Finnish. Blond haired and blue eyed like my dearest love EL and happens to have the most perfect complexion and body. She lives out of a penthouse suite in a D.C. upscale hotel and flies somewhere to vacation every weekend (every weekend since January). high roller and more than likely high maintenance. I remember walking through JFK in the early 1990’s and having another moment like this with a brunette in the terminal. I never was able to speak with her like this, but I remember every second in those moments as if the entire thing happened in slow motion and was recorded to archive for future reference. I haven’t thought about that in 15 years, but it may as well have happened yesterday. I wonder if this will be the same 15 years from now. I probably won’t even post this, but I needed to write it down. I had to get away from her. Suddenly I can relate to those stories of guys that do such ridiculous shit for women out of pure physical attraction. It is, in my opinion, perfectly normal and almost requisite to do ridiculous shit for the woman you love because she is your mate and that’s what relationships are about… each other.  Women like this should be shipped to a isolated island far, far away and just live together. They are far too dangerous to be running loose in the wild. People could get hurt. There are things like blood pressure and arterial health to consider. Men are far to fragile. I wish I could photograph her as documentary proof of what I’m describing here, but I couldn’t capture a photograph to do her justice. I may move to Finland tomorrow. The meal on the plane was quite unusual. A small box was wrapped up with a bag of M&M’s, cheese spread, pressed meat, trail mix, and crackers inside. It was like a hodge-podge Lunchables thrown together from shit they found rattling around in a drawer somewhere at the airport. I think that with the delay, I should land in Houston around 9:00 pee emm. I still have to get my truck out of the garage and drive home, but I’m so exhausted I just want to crawl in the back of the truck and take a nap. Knowing me, I’ll get home and be wide awake from excitement of seeing my furballs again. My sister, who has been mismanaging her life recently, has been avoiding talking to me from months and months presumably due to her not wanting to hear me say she is being foolish, but I don’t know the real reason. I called one of my banks today and had some money wired into her account. I don’t know why I did it. I do… because I love her. It is against better judgement given her statistical record of decision making success. I disapprove of her decisions and how she got herself into a pickle, but I guess I just hate to see her suffer. I really don’t dig the have’s and have-not’s selfishness, so I guess it was one of those she-needs-it-more-than-me situations. I am low maintenance anyway, so I won’t miss the cash and I love making other people happy. I always have. I’m a giver. I don’t mean monetarily necessarily, but of myself. I like to do things for people that brings joy to their life or somehow helps them… it is good for the soul and makes me feel so much better than if I just did stuff for myself. For example, one of my friends had a really tough week this week, so I anonymously sent flowers from her dog. I don’t care if the true sender ever is discovered, I just wanted to brighten her day. If I ever win the lotto, all y’all that know me better look out. You’re going to get some schtuff. Other than the occasional camera spree, I don’t like spending money on myself much, but I love to gift the people in my life. It just makes me all excited. I am extremely thankful that I can do it. I am flying to Los Angeles to see my brother on his birthday and attend DCI with my dear friend , Jason. It should be a great time despite my distaste for L.A. I haven’t decided if I’m going to take a camera rig with me or not yet, but if I do, I’ll probably just take a single lens and sneaker-zoom as needed. I rarely take city candids or documentary style urban frames, but I may go with that as a goal. It will be awkward for me, but it’ll be good practice. I’ve never been one of those guys that just runs around town snapping paparazzi shots of strangers in the name of artistic expression. One of the senior engineers in D.C. this weekend saw my landscape shots and ordered a big ‘ole print for his house. That’s kinda cool. Finnish lady is fucking distracting. I need to take a nap. I can’t wait for the next generation iPhones to hit the street so I can pick one up. I want them to have removable batteries and then it’s on like Donkey Kong. My iPod shifted through Hooverphonic, Morcheeba, Good Charlotte, Toadies (of course), Robert Earl Keen, Rob Zombie, Portishead, SRV, and Chevelle. I can’t settle on anything right now. I’m restless. I’ve played every hole of minigolf on my iPod. The plane seat is incredibly uncomfortable and the dude ext to me is bumping the seat all the time with his shaved arms and legs that are a little spooky. I’ve been there before… when I was 26 or 27-ish I was incredibly ripped… like Abercrombie model cut. It sucked. I worked out 5 days a week in the gym and ran 6 days a week. I regulated my six meals a day in every respect… calories, protein, fat, carbohydrates, etc. Everything was measured, prepared, and timed. I took natural supplements and vitamins for maximum efficiency. It was a lifestyle that was exhausting. All of this just to look like a Greek statue… no love handles to squeeze. I suppose that’s ok if some agency is paying you to undergo such torture, but when you aren’t getting compensated, in retrospect, it is just masochism. Where was I going with that? Oh yeah, shaving. I shaved my body back then. It sounds weird when you think of it in a Powder/albino creepy guy living in the basement tense, but when you think of it in the fitness model sense, it isn’t all that uncommon. Anyhoo, the guy next to me is not in the shape he should be to shave everything really… it just looks odd. Of course, I did know a guy in the Navy that shaved his legs every day because he couldn’t stand the way the hair felt in his pants. Psychological. I also knew a big ‘ole fat guy in the Navy that always snuck King Size Snickers in his toilet paper roll tubes when he went to drop a deuce in case he got hungry while taking a shit. People are strange, eh?  Ok, the fasten seatbelt sign just went off and my legs are cramping up. Barring unforeseen plane crash, I’ll see you on the ground.

I was surfing the news on a break… trying to catch up on current events (which I rarely am able to do)… and ran across a few sharables. This was kinda a cool idea and this was interesting, but the story about coffee being linked to reduced liver cancer risk was better. There was also a story where “researchers” interviewed hundreds of men and women to find out why they had sex. Here were the results:

1. I was “in the heat of the moment.”
2. It just happened.
3. I was bored.
4. It just seemed like “the thing to do.”
5. Someone dared me.
6. I desired emotional closeness (i.e., intimacy).
7. I wanted to feel closer to God.
8. I wanted to gain acceptance from friends.
9. It’s exciting, adventurous.
10. I wanted to make up after a fight.
11. I wanted to get rid of aggression.
12. I was under the influence of drugs.
13. I wanted to try to get a better mate than my current mate.
14. I wanted to express my love for the person.
15. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure.
16. I wanted to show my affection to the person.
17. I felt like I owed it to the person.
18. I was attracted to the person.
19. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.
20. My friends were having sex and I wanted to fit in.
21. It feels good.
22. My partner kept insisting.
23. The person was famous and I wanted to be able to say I had sex with him/her.
24. I was physically forced to.
25. I was verbally coerced into it.
26. I wanted the person to love me.
27. I wanted to have a child.
28. I wanted to make someone else jealous.
29. I wanted to have more sex than my friends.
30. I was married and you’re supposed to.
31. I was tired of being a virgin.
32. I was “horny.”
33. I wanted to feel loved.
34. I was feeling lonely.
35. Everyone else was having sex.
36. I wanted the attention.
37. It was easier to “go all the way” than to stop.
38. I wanted to ensure the relationship was “committed.”
39. I was competing with someone else to “get the person.”
40. I wanted to “gain control” of the person.
41. I was curious about what the person was like in bed.
42. I was curious about sex.
43. I wanted to feel attractive.
44. I wanted to please my partner.
45. I wanted to display submission.
46. I wanted to release anxiety/stress
47. I didn’t know how to say “no.”
48. I felt like it was my duty.
49. I wanted to end the relationship.
50. My friends pressured me into it.
51. I wanted the adventure/excitement.
52. I wanted the experience.
53. I felt obligated to.
54. It’s fun.
55. I wanted to get even with someone (i.e., revenge).
56. I wanted to be popular.
57. It would get me gifts.
58. I wanted to act out a fantasy.
59. I hadn’t had sex for a while.
60. The person was “available.”
61. I didn’t want to “lose” the person.
62. I thought it would help “trap” a new partner.
63. I wanted to capture someone else’s mate.
64. I felt sorry for the person.
65. I wanted to feel powerful.
66. I wanted to “possess” the person.
67. I wanted to release tension.
68. I wanted to feel good about myself.
69. I was slumming.
70. I felt rebellious.
71. I wanted to intensify my relationship.
72. It seemed like the natural next step in my relationship.
73. I wanted to be nice.
74. I wanted to feel connected to the person.
75. I wanted to feel young.
76. I wanted to manipulate him/her into doing something for me.
77. I wanted him/her to stop bugging me about sex.
78. I wanted to hurt/humiliate the person.
79. I wanted the person to feel good about himself/herself.
80. I didn’t want to disappoint the person.
81. I was trying to “get over” an earlier person/relationship.
82. I wanted to reaffirm my sexual orientation.
83. I wanted to try out new sexual techniques or positions.
84. I felt guilty.
85. My hormones were out of control.
86. It was the only way my partner would spend time with me.
87. It became a habit.
88. I wanted to keep my partner happy.
89. I had no self-control.
90. I wanted to communicate at a “deeper” level.
91. I was afraid my partner would have an affair if I didn’t have sex with him/her.
92. I was curious about my sexual abilities.
93. I wanted a “spiritual” experience.
94. It was just part of the relationship “routine.”
95. I wanted to lose my inhibitions.
96. I got “carried away.”
97. I needed another “notch on my belt.”
98. The person demanded that I have sex with him/her.
99. The opportunity presented itself.
100. I wanted to see what it would be like to have sex while stoned (e.g., on marijuana or some other drug).
101. It’s considered “taboo” by society.
102. I wanted to increase the number of sex partners I had experienced.
103. The person was too “hot” (sexy) to resist.
104. I thought it would relax me.
105. I thought it would make me feel healthy.
106. I wanted to experiment with new experiences.
107. I wanted to see what it would be like to have sex with another person.
108. I thought it would help me to fall asleep.
109. I could brag to other people about my sexual experience.
110. It would allow me to “get sex out of my system” so that I could focus on other things.
111. I wanted to decrease my partner’s desire to have sex with someone else.
112. It would damage my reputation if I said “no.”
113. The other person was too physically attractive to resist.
114. I wanted to celebrate something.
115. I was seduced.
116. I wanted to make the person feel better about herself/himself.
117. I wanted to increase the emotional bond by having sex.
118. I wanted to see whether sex with a different partner would feel different or better.
119. I was mad at my partner, so I had sex with someone else.
120. I wanted to fulfill a previous promise to my partner.
121. It was expected of me.
122. I wanted to keep my partner from straying.
123. I wanted the pure pleasure.
124. I wanted to dominate the other person.
125. I wanted to make a conquest.
126. I’m addicted to sex.
127. It was a favor to someone.
128. I wanted to be used or degraded.
129. Someone offered me money to do it.
130. I was drunk.
131. It seemed like good exercise.
132. I was pressured into doing it.
133. The person offered to give me drugs for doing it.
134. I was frustrated and needed relief.
135. It was a romantic setting.
136. I felt insecure.
137. My regular partner is boring, so I had sex with someone else.
138. I was on the “rebound” from another relationship.
139. I wanted to boost my self-esteem
140. I wanted to get my partner to stay with me.
141. Because of a bet.
142. It was a special occasion.
143. It was the next step in the relationship.
144. I wanted to get a special favor from someone.
145. I wanted to get back at my partner for having cheated on me.
146. I wanted to enhance my reputation.
147. I wanted to keep warm.
148. I wanted to punish myself.
149. I wanted to break up a rival’s relationship by having sex with his/her partner.
150. I wanted to stop my partners’ nagging.
151. I wanted to achieve an orgasm.
152. I wanted to brag to friends about my conquests.
153. I wanted to improve my sexual skills.
154. I wanted to get a job.
155. I wanted to get a raise.
156. I wanted to get a promotion.
157. I wanted to satisfy a compulsion.
158. I wanted to make money.
159. I wanted to keep my partner satisfied.
160. I wanted to change the topic of conversation.
161. I wanted to get out of doing something.
162. I wanted to test my compatibility with a new partner.
163. I wanted to get a partner to express love.
164. I wanted to put passion back into my relationship.
165. I wanted to prevent a breakup.
166. I wanted to become one with another person.
167. I wanted to get a favor from someone.
168. I wanted to breakup my relationship.
169. I wanted to give someone else a sexually transmitted disease (e.g., herpes, AIDS).
170. I wanted to breakup another’s relationship.
171. I wanted to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.
172. I wanted to make myself feel better about myself.
173. I wanted to get rid of a headache.
174. I was afraid to say “no” due to the possibility of physical harm.
175. I wanted to keep my partner from straying.
176. I wanted to burn calories.
177. I wanted to even the score with a cheating partner.
178. I wanted to hurt an enemy.
179. I wanted to feel older.
180. It is my genetic imperative.
181. It was an initiation rite to a club or organization.
182. I wanted to become more focused on work - sexual thoughts are distracting.
183. I wanted to say “I’ve missed you.”
184. I wanted to celebrate a birthday or anniversary or special occasion.
185. I wanted to say “I’m sorry.”
186. I wanted to return a favor.
187. I wanted to say “Thank You.”
188. I wanted to welcome someone home.
189. I wanted to say “goodbye.”
190. I wanted to defy my parents.
191. I wanted to relieve menstrual cramps.
192. I wanted to relieve “blue balls.”
193. I wanted to get the most out of life.
194. I wanted to feel feminine.
195. I wanted to feel masculine.
196. I am a sex addict.
197. I wanted to see what all the fuss is about.
198. I thought it would boost my social status.
199. The person had a lot of money.
200. The person’s physical appearance turned me on.
201. The person was a good dancer.
202. Someone had told me that this person was good in bed.
203. The person had beautiful eyes.
204. The person made me feel sexy.
205. An erotic movie had turned me on.
206. The person had taken me out to an expensive dinner.
207. The person was a good kisser.
208. The person had bought me jewelry.
209. The person had a great sense of humor.
210. The person seemed self-confident.
211. The person really desired me.
212. The person was really desired by others.
213. I wanted to gain access to that person’s friend.
214. I felt jealous.
215. The person flattered me.
216. I wanted to see if I could get the other person into bed.
217. The person had a desirable body.
218. I had not had sex in a long time.
219. The person smelled nice.
220. The person had an attractive face.
221. I saw the person naked and could not resist.
222. I was turned on by the sexual conversation.
223. The person was intelligent.
224. The person caressed me.
225. The person wore revealing clothes.
226. The person had too much to drink and I was able to take advantage of him/her.
227. I knew the person was usually “out of my league.”
228. The person was mysterious.
229. I realized I was in love.
230. I wanted to forget about my problems.
231. I wanted to reproduce.
232. I/she was ovulating.
233. I wanted my partner to notice me.
234. I wanted to help my partner forget about his/her problems.
235. I wanted to lift my partner’s spirits.
236. I wanted to submit to my partner.
237. I wanted to make my partner feel powerful.

I have zero recollection of posting last night. Quite surprisingly, I’m not hung over. What the hell was I talking about last night? That just cracks me up.

A long day was expected. I worked and then some, but at the end of the day, my new VP invited us all to his fantabulous MTV-cribs pseudo-mansion in the hills and we were beer floating until further notice. When the ticker ran out, those few of us left went to a local brewpub for sustenance. All is fair in love and war… given drinking amongst Canadians, I had to hold back significantly to keep them from falling ill. I’m back at the hotel now… moderately tired, sufficiently damaged emotionally, and ready for bed. I seriously have no expectation for bettering my state, but I have to admit the wound feels fresher than ever atm. There’s no blood like fresh blood. 

Ugg.

I feel the time difference on the east coast. I had to be up at 6 and my body is not happy about the 5 aye emm adventure. The trip got off on the wrong foot yesterday when thunderstorms over the southeastern US ground stopped outbound flights that were headed east. After an hour and a half on the ramp and taxiways of IAH, we finally headed skyward with 33 planes in line behind us for their turn. The line of aircraft on the taxiway awaiting clearance onto the active was almost the length of the runway. I sat with a young lady and her adorable, happy baby refusing to sleep the entire trip. I became a jungle gym. Dulles is a pain in the ass per usual. The land shark people movers still crack me up. The hotel room is quite nice… comfy. Barry and I walked to a nearby pub last night for microbrew and (eventually) comped shots from the locals. The success of this morning’s meetings will be determined by how much coffee I can get in my belly between now and round one. I slept quite well tucked in the high thread count taco in my icy cold, pitch black cave. I’m off for the shuttle. Ciao.