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I'm never "alright" these days.

I survived Bourbon Street. More specifically, my liver survived Bourbon Street. The inordinate number of Mardi Gras beads in my hotel room this morning was a testament to the number of Crown rocks, Hurricanes, and Abita Turbodogs that were consumed sometime between yesterday and sunrise. It wasn't a fairytale Valentine's Day and certainly not the one I would have had with EL, but it didn't hurt as much as it could have thanks to that nifty little liquid the Irish invented.

My heart is not here and it looks like I'll be spending Valentine's Day on Bourbon Street... alone.

Time flies or at least that's the goal. This morning was the dedication of our new church building and coincidentally, the first time I've attended at least part of a service in months. It isn't laziness or apathy, it's the avoidance of that crushing feeling I get in my chest as I sit there without her. Since I've been back from California, I've been quite busy with work. I would say too busy, but when you don't really have anything else filling your time, that doesn't hold much water. This little snapshot of me is proof that I am in fact still breathing. The hair is a little longer (and I'm not sure what I'm going to do with that), but I'm here. I'd like to get to a place where I feel like writing again. I get between 100 and 200 SPAM comments a day here that I must manually weed through... it's stifling. There's just no substance in my life other than its abuse. I'm tired all time, but lack of exercise is equally at fault with too little sleep. It's on my list. I have a long list that seemingly keeps getting longer. I need to lose 15 pounds. I need to creatively burn my GI Bill money before I lose it in a couple years. I was thinking of getting a commercial pilots license with the coin since I can finish a degree later on the Hazelwood as a veteran. Quien sabe? There are a couple of professional certifications I need to knock out this year as a courtesy to my employer to validate my credibility to the idiots that believe in nothing but little slips of paper when judging a persons worth. I most sincerely want to spend the time, effort, and money to visit my dear out of town friends this year... somehow... someway. I got a raise while I was in California. It was most unexpected... which is the best kind imho. It wasn't Earth-shattering, but it was greatly appreciated. My body feels like it's three aye emm. Tomorrow is another day, right?

I can't sleep... again.

The thing I find ironic at the moment is my lack of anything to say. I am a whirlwind of emotions... up and down... lost. My job is as exciting as ever with challenge and change. I am empty, without direction or purpose, as if someone pushed the reset button and I'm starting with nothing only to create my own future. Why would I not have a thought to share amongst it all? I suppose I should mention that I do sincerely appreciate the advice, but willing my life to change is as productive as telling a mentally depressed woman to "snap out of it" or a gay man to "just be straight". There are complexities and definition there that are simply not controllable by choice. It is not as simple as straightening my posture and choosing to step forward with conviction. It doesn't work that way. The best I can tell you is that I continue holding onto to the faith that something will change... eventually. Those of you that know me IRL know that I've been traveling a little this past two weeks or so. I was in Louisiana for couple of days followed by a week in Santa Clara, CA. I just got home yesterday and am weary. I have been so disinterested in life that I find myself doing the minimum to get by each day. This is so not like the me before I lost her. I don't know when I will find that guy again.