So I found out this afternoon that my job focus has officially changed. The description is more or less the same, but the type of clients I am to target is much more specific. I don't mind any of it except that it implies more travel. I am not willing to travel more... hence this will be a problem. I'm doing my best to not get upset about speculation and deal with it as it comes. I really like my job. I hope this will spin in a positive direction.
I stopped at Sundale on the way into work to pick up a couple dozen jalapeño cheese kolaches. There was an attractive young woman at the far counter waiting on her bagel order applying mascara while they were toasting. There was a man standing at the near counter waiting on his coffee. He looks over at her and says loudly across the shop and with disgust, "thanks a lot... some of us were going to try to eat here"... wtf? What a dick. I mean, it's not like the activity was unhygienic or bothering anyone but him. Then another lady walks in (already wearing her morning make-up apparently) and places an order. Mr. Dickhead pays for her breakfast and gives her his card. He was a winner. I got to work before everyone else and made three pots of coffee when I got to the office. Apparently I wasn't the only one hurtin' this morning. These meetings are grueling. I need a nap.
Rockets suite night... photos are surfacing |
Yesterday was a frustrating series of meetings with my regional team that flew in from all over the place. I hurried home to see my little ones before meeting back in The Woodlands for the not mandatory, but mandatory after hours gather. Dinner was $800. We went to one of my least favorite pubs on the north side of town afterwards... not my choice. I didn't sleep well. I'm off to another fun filled day of prime Bullshit Bingo material. Yippie.
After seeing this, it is obvious to me that they selected the wrong Ben to play the part in the movie. Thanks for the link, Lisa. This is really amazing.
I was walking out of the house for work this morning and caught the a glimpse of the replay of Sunrise Earth as I set up the TV for the pets to watch while I'm at work. I know it's corny, but I always put on some jazz or classical music for them while I'm out. This morning's program was "Manatee Springs". It is a 2,075 acre park in Florida that features a spring (its namesake) that provide 81,000 gallons of freshwater per minute from below the surface of our Earth. The water is gorgeous, clear, and inviting. I dove near there once when I lived in Orlando. I quickly pressed record so I can skim through when I get home and see if I recognize any landmarks. That was a lifetime ago.
My yard had a light coat of frost this morning. It was in the high 30's again and definitely not the weather to venture out. I would have worked from home, but I needed to collaborate on a presentation for tomorrow with a coworker. Tomorrow being the pow-wow with the out-of-towners, we each have to present before the group. Can you read the extreme anticipation and joy in my voice? Have a wonderful day. Seriously.
On the outside, I'm fine. It's business as usual. On the inside, things are just not right. I'm sad and lonely. I miss my life... the life I had. I miss my wife. I am not getting better... just training myself to be numb for as long as I can manage. I would rather feel nothing than this pain and sorrow. Many times I have sat down at the keyboard to write something here, stared for a moment, and left without a keystroke. How does one apply words to a breadth and depth of emotion where only its experience allows appreciation of such? I don't cry as much as I used to... but it isn't because of healing. It is self defense. I constantly find myself unable to throw away a scrap of paper that may have been hers or move something that she thoughtfully placed even if no longer convenient in its current location. I avoid thinking about what I'm doing. I dodge looking at certain photographs or pausing to enjoy a pleasant memory. I move to other things. If I let myself feel more than just a wee bit, I will fall under the crushing weight of it all. Too often pills to fall asleep, too much caffeine to wake up, food only because it is required to survive... it all blends together. I drink too often and too much. I'm not belligerent or hurtful (to anyone but myself), but it is a readily accessible diversion from reality. I spend time with friends to not be alone, but I feel alone inside. I miss being part of our couple and all the intimacy that comes with it. I've heard there are 5 love languages... words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Mine are indisputably words of affirmation and physical touch... neither of which I'll find in my new emotional unavailability. Unfair and incomprehensible.
Friday I went looking for a new stereo for my living room to provide surround sound for the new tele. I have long since outgrown any desire for a super-whamplodyne component system. I just want a simple, turn-key, out-of-the-box system that works. I found exactly what I wanted at Fry's and went home to sleep on it. Saturday morning, I went back to purchase it and it was gone. The last one had just exited the building and they were not to get any more "for some reason". I spent the morning searching all the popular retail outlets serving the genre only to find that none of them had this model in stock. Finally (via phone), two turned up at CostCo. I'm not a CostCo member, so Sam helped me gain access. I purchased one of the two in stock, took it home, and carefully assembled and connected the entire system. After a brief mock countdown, it was powered on only to find it defective. A call to CostCo revealed they wouldn't take a partial return, but only one fully repackaged with all the trimmings. Ugg. I returned defective unit for a store credit at the service desk and headed for the last one in town (or so it would seem) a few product rows away. It was open and stuff was fiddled with in the box. Uneasy about the recent burn, I simply asked for a refund and headed back to Fry's for an alternative. You don't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might get what you need. The model I was after was a Samsung. Sony was out of the question as an alternative because they use keyed speaker wires. This means they are not easily replaced if say... your cat chews the wire in half on a regular basis. So I ended up with another brand recommended by Sean and so far, I'm good with it. It does what I need it to do.
I received a disturbing call tonight from a lady soliciting assistance for some charity meal at the convention center on New Year's Eve for the homeless. I'm usually pretty open to this sort of thing, but I've given a lot this year... more than I ever have in my life... to charitable causes. I've extended myself freely to aid others without expectation or desire of any sort of reciprocation or recognition. She wanted $100 donation for "food" for this meal. I explained that I appreciated the call, but I'd already selected and acted on donation recently and I wasn't comfortable with this particular addition. She started to press and the price came down to $75. The more I politely tried to tactfully decline, the pushier she got. She tried to guilt me into a donation with talk of the starving children that only hope to one day have a real holiday meal and the like. Once that started, there was no way I was wavering. She got angry. Holiday spirit indeed. It bothered me more than it should. I try to be good about helping others... especially those less fortunate financially, etc. I just don't like feeling the attempt of manipulation hiding behind an otherwise good cause.
This is supposed to be a relatively busy week. Many of my colleagues are flying into Houston for a business gathering over mid-week. I am looking forward to seeing them again in a professional capacity, but the timing of it all interferes with my normal work duties. They are planning an evening out together on the company nickel... likely a nice restaurant with after dinner libations. I will go and put a fake smile on my face. I'll listen to them talk about each others families and ask about their wives and kids. I'll feel the little dagger twist in my heart and take another drink... just like every one of these outings with the guys from work. It will be fabulous and I'll go home alone.
Happy Birthday! |
Today is Henry's third birthday. He is one of the only joys in my life these days. I am not feeling great, so I didn't take him to the park as I'd originally planned, but I did stop and buy him some "teenie" Greenies. He loves those... and I love him.
I am addicted to
Discovery HD Theater. There was this show on last night about elephants... you could see their eyelashes and every adorable little wrinkle. I haven't figured out how to set up the DVR to record multiple shows yet. I don't even know if it is capable of that, but the playback without commercials is nifty. I left for work yesterday morning and it was 70 degrees outside. 15 minutes later, it was 50. 30 minutes later, it was 39. It's been in the 30's every since. I had a roaring fire going in the fireplace last night. I love the lingering smell of burning wood carried on the breeze throughout the neighborhood as each home contributes to the crisp night air. That's probably my favorite thing about camping. It's why I have a chiminea. There is just something about watching the lapping flame, the glowing embers, and the smell of wood burning... especially when it is cool out. I love it. Anyway, I'm about to throw in the towel for the day. The big RFP I have been working on for months now turned out to be a win. I found out last night. It makes Friday and the couple of days off coming up even better to know they are the cherry on top of success. When's happy hour? I need to get out of the office.