...but some things endure.
Most unfortunately, I am one of them. I hope everyone is safe and happy tonight. I have nothing but my most sincere well wishes for everyone going into the new year.
I am weary of attempting to describe or discuss my pain and since that is all that is left of me to share, I'll bid you good evening.
See you next year.
i love you, erin |
I bought my wife a beautiful Christmas card. I can't look at it and make for a pen without crying to the point I can't see to write. Christmas is more than different just because she's gone. It's not been the same since my grandfather died almost 10 years ago. When I was a young boy, Christmas was my favorite holiday. It wasn't the presents like you might think. It was the gathering. My mother's parents hosted these grand family holidays and the aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. came from all around to enjoy each other's company for that special day. There were holiday traditions of food and merriment. It was special. Perhaps it wasn't only the patriarch's failing health, but also a social change in each of us. I would like to think I am not a contributor, but am willing to entertain the possibility I am not without fault. Everyone seems to be wrapped up in their own microcosm... putting self before others... placing more importance on material substance than emotional bonding or spiritual fulfillment. Christmas is no longer about loved ones celebrating the birth of Christ and celebrating each other... that seems long lost. My personal pain and suffering are merely amplified in knowing that my shining star on this day, who never lost it's meaning, is no longer here to share with me all the wonderful things she brought to my life... and allowed me to bring to hers. I called her parents this morning, but could barely choke out words. I could not be more humble than I am at this instant in knowing my heart is at the bottom with no where to go but up. I miss EL more than I could possible find the words to describe. I love her more deeply than I knew possible of a man. I am forever in her debt for how she changed my life and whatever road may lay ahead of me in life, I am now and will forever be her husband.
May your holiday be safe... and in whatever way you need, be merry.
A bottle of wine for dinner and a banana with a handful of unsalted peanuts as a chaser for breakfast. I should be on a Wheaties box. It's better than
cupcakes... or
iiiiisssss it? Greg linked this neat-o
game that my hunt-and-peckness got to 45,190 before dying. Give it a shot. It's pretty boring until you get to the 5 letter words. Henry and I played a little this morning. The house is cold. I turned the heat up last night, but it doesn't seem to keep up. The air in the kitchen and den (the highest density of windows) is sharp. I leave what ceiling fans I have running to circulate the air, but it looks like I'll need to bundle up anyway. I'm all done Christmas shopping and unless you live out of town, gifts have already been delivered. Now it's just survive Christmas mode. Yep.
...some wounds are just too deep.
the squirrel stalker awaits stealthily camouflaged |
No more fumbling for which remote I need to find which button I need to select which function I need... no more. I got
one of these for Christmas last night. I'm unified with one touch simplicity. Press the DVR button and it knows to power on the correct pieces parts, select all the appropriate inputs and whatnot on the correct components, and turn over a functional system ready to do my bidding. It's fantabulous.
It's been rainy. The weather is cooling. Overcast skies and short days are bringing darkness early today. I'm still working, but tired. I attended the "work dinner" last night. It was exactly as I predicted... my boss and his wife, his boss and his wife, and me. Despite not being evenly divisible by two and eating at one of my wife's favorite restaurants, it was bearable. The food and service were fantastic and the best part was my not having to pick up the $500 tab. I had a bunch of weird dreams last night... none of which I can remember in detail at the moment. Tonight was supposed to be another "work" gathering, but I've not heard a peep from the coordinator, so I assume it is has been forfeit for other plans. No matter to me really. I'd like to stay home and become broccoli on the couch.
What day of the week is it today? Oh yes, that's right, Wednesday. I lose track. I woke up the other night completely confused for 5 or 6 seconds. I had no idea where I was... yet I was in my own bed... at home. Odd. I think that has only happened once or twice in my life and I don't remember it happening in a familiar place with recognizable features. My mother and sister drove into town late Sunday night. They probably arrived around 1:00 in the morning. I waited up, then stayed up later visiting and such. Each night this week, I've not been to bed before two aye emm. Monday night, we all went out for MeatCake™ at Perry's. Other than the bill being north of three bones, it was fabulous. My boss and his boss are having dinner there tonight with their wives. I was formally invited, but I have no "date". I would/will (I haven't decided) be the proverbial 5th wheel. I went to renew the registration on my truck and motorcycle yesterday morning and attempted to have the truck state inspection done. Apparently there is some sort of conspiracy with the dealership such that I have to take it in to their computer system to interface with the diagnostic hooty. I really don't know much about that sort of thing. I just want it to work. I'll probably go at lunch today to take care of it... what a hassle. Mom and Camron left yesterday after a short one and a half day visit. The holidays are hard. Everyday is hard, but the holidays are especially difficult because they are generally filled with people going out of their way to spend time with one another and spread good cheer. They are filled with fond memories of a life I had and lost. I'm done with my Christmas shopping. Many people that would have normally received a gift from me are not and many that probably wouldn't normally receive a gift from me are... and, my gift-ation has run the largest gambit of financial diversity ever this year. I completely understand the concept of "it's the thought that counts", but for some reason this year I went whacko with the gifting. So, if you are someone that received or receives a gift that is a little eccentric, don't ask questions because I don't really understand what the hell I was doing anyway. Oh, and I am not a fan of the legacy post system, so you are not likely to receive anything from my on time unless I can deliver it to you by hand. The mere thought of standing in line at the post office and dealing with the ordeal of getting a box shipped is overwhelming and makes me what to do shots. I'm going on a diet. Well, I am thinking about going on a diet. I'm getting soft where I shouldn't be. I spent my morning at a customer site installing EPROMs in web switching management modules for their application switches. Tedium and not the norm for me. I have often thought of blogging this week, but it just hasn't happened. I am really struggling to maintain the happy face for the people in my life within range to see it. I'm really unhappy. There it is.
How is it Sunday already? I've done nothing to make the time fly by really. I woke up earlier than I need to on Saturday thanks to the little man. For the last several days, today included, he has woken me at exactly 7:30 aye emm... on the dot. Regardless of when he went to sleep, he is wide awake and making little wookie sounds at Daddy come 7:30. Clockwork. I decided, since I was up, to take the mare in for an oil and filter change. I dressed and roller her out onto the driveway. The battery was dead and I couldn't find my jumper cables. I hopped in the car and drive to purchase cables, came home, removed the bolts holding the seat on (to gain access to the battery terminals), and started the bike. By this time, there was little chance of getting in since it was first come, first serve at the dealer's service center. Unlike automotive shops, they do not take appointments/reservations. So it was out on the open road in search of lunch. I had Lebanese and it was fabulous. Saturday night I went to a dinner party at Sam's then came home and watched a Dane Cook HBO special. I was super tired and went to bed early for a Saturday night. This morning, after my 7:30 wake-up call, I took the bike out again. The sky was cloudy and the overcast made a breeze cool that would have otherwise been unseasonably warm for December. Ted and Miranda met me at BJ's for pizza. Ted and I headed to Fry's after lunch for some Christmas shopping. They didn't have most of the items I wanted to purchase, but they did have a lot of sales going on. Bad, bad, bad. The damage wasn't tooooo bad, but I did leave with nothing I went for, but more than I'd expected. Home now. I hadn't anticipated the warm day and the house is muggy. It is odd enabling the air conditioner and dehumidifier a mere week before Christmas, but such us Texas weather. I'm sleepy... still.
about 5mm long |
EL and I went to dinner at this out-of-the-way TexMex place with Ted and Jenny one time a long time ago. The food wasn't that great, but we had a nice time with them. It was the only time I'd been there in the years I lived in Houston. Tonight, Ted's father wanted to have dinner at that same place for Ted's birthday (which was yesterday). I met up with the group consisting of Ted and Jenny, Jenny's best friend, Miranda, Ted's parents, sister and her boyfriend, and mystery someone that I assume was a niece or cousin. Despite it being the middle of December, the night air was perfect for patio dining without a jacket. I love Ted's parents... they are just fantastic people. The food and service was much, much better than I remembered it from all that time ago. Overall, it was a nice evening. I'm home now. I'm tired, lonely, and sad... but full of some tasty Mexican food. As the days pass between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I can only assume it is on a subliminal level that my suffering is intensified because I find myself unable to control my emotions. I will start crying without provocation several times throughout the day in the most inconvenient places. Life, as wondrous and beautiful as it can be, is anything but that to me at the moment. I'm happy and excited that my mother and sister are coming to see me on Sunday evening. I think they are staying a couple of days, but I'm not sure. I don't have a plan for the Christmas holiday and won't likely drive down to spend it with my family. I'm off to bed. There is no benefit to being awake longer than necessary.
because all the things I want right now are either illegal, immoral, or intangible.
AGLET - The plain or ornamental covering on the end of a shoelace.
ARMSAYE - The armhole in clothing.
CHANKING - Spat-out food, such as rinds or pits.
COLUMELLA NASI - The bottom part of the nose between the nostrils.
DRAGÉES - Small beadlike pieces of candy, usually silver-coloured, used for decorating cookies, cakes and sundaes.
FEAT - A dangling curl of hair.
FERRULE - The metal band on a pencil that holds the eraser in place.
HARP - The small metal hoop that supports a lampshade.
HEMIDEMISEMIQUAVER - A 64th note. (A 32nd is a demisemiquaver, and a 16th note is a semiquaver.)
JARNS, NITTLES, GRAWLIX, and QUIMP - Various squiggles used to denote cussing in comic books.
KEEPER - The loop on a belt that keeps the end in place after it has passed through the buckle.
KICK or PUNT - The indentation at the bottom of some wine bottles. It gives added strength to the bottle but lessens its holding capacity.
LIRIPIPE - The long tail on a graduate's academic hood.
MINIMUS - The little finger or toe.
NEF - An ornamental stand in the shape of a ship.
OBDORMITION - The numbness caused by pressure on a nerve; when a limb is `asleep'.
OCTOTHORPE - The symbol `#' on a telephone handset. Bell Labs' engineer Don Macpherson created the word in the 1960s by combining octo-, as in eight, with the name of one of his favourite athletes, 1912 Olympic decathlon champion Jim Thorpe.
OPHRYON - The space between the eyebrows on a line with the top of the eye sockets.
PEEN - The end of a hammer head opposite the striking face.
PHOSPHENES - The lights you see when you close your eyes hard. Technically the luminous impressions are due to the
excitation of the retina caused by pressure on the eyeball.
PURLICUE - The space between the thumb and extended forefinger.
RASCETA - Creases on the inside of the wrist.
ROWEL - The revolving star on the back of a cowboy's spurs.
SADDLE - The rounded part on the top of a matchbook.
SCROOP - The rustle of silk.
SNORKEL BOX - A mailbox with a protruding receiver to allow people to deposit mail without leaving their cars.
SPRAINTS - Otter dung.
TANG - The projecting prong on a tool or instrument.
WAMBLE - Stomach rumbling.
ZARF - A holder for a handleless coffee cup.
Sniffle. Cough. My voice is almost gone this morning. Henry got what may have been is first fanny swatting from me this morning. It's difficult to scold your dog when you can't talk. He wedged his paw into the gap between the lid and base of the cat food container and rocked it over, spilling cat food all over the utility room floor. He then laid in it and started grazing. I don't know how much he ate before I caught him, but his little tummy was taught when I snatched him up. Grrrrrrr. I drove into the office feeling all bleh and discombobulated. I wanted to remain sleeping this morning. I took an OTC sleeping aid to fall asleep early last night. Henry woke me up in a frenzy around midnight-thirty to go outside. Whatever he needed to do, it was urgent. I felt all loopy on the diphenhydramine hydrochloride as I made my way to the french door leading to the patio. I laid on the couch until he beckoned for re-entry. I don't remember getting back in my bed, but must have because that's where he woke me up again around 7:30 and every few minutes until after 8:00. It was useless, so I dragged myself up for work. I have some Christmas packages to send out sometime this week. I need to take Defensive Driving sometime this week for a speeding ticket I received in October. I need to renew the registration on my truck and motorcycle and get the state inspection done. I need to clean my house. I need to groom my yard. I need to start planning on how I'm going to get through the lengthy list of home repairs I must endure soon. I'm generally not happy. It's easier to deal with when I just blame it on being sick at the moment, but I know that's not the truth.
I have been under the weather since yesterday... sore throat, sniffley, coughey, etc. I worked from home today. I didn't go outside except to get a few logs for the fire off the patio. I am miserable and needy when I'm sick. Be glad you aren't around me.
It only takes a second for the weekend to pass, but the week stretches for months on end. Although it's only Sunday morning, I am having a hard time remembering how I've passed that second. Friday evening I think I had dinner with Barrett at a small local restaurant. Chicken Fried Steak and Chicken Fried Chicken... I'm going to try to cut down a wee bit on the fried part. I ordered "Crown rocks" and the teenage waitstaff though I said "Corona on the rocks". WTF? It all got straightened out in short order and before I knew it, I was in Fry's electronic boutique of mighty power with entirely too many things in my cart that I don't need. With the strength of will, I replaced all but one item and left. It was the super-mega-extended-worth-being-redundant-extended box set of the recent Lord of the Rings trilogy. Twelve DVD's to span 3 movies. I'm not sure what all was added, but I intend to find out... eventually. We watched the first one that night, but I was too sleepy to continue. Saturday morning was sleep and meeting Ted for lunch. I passed time around the house until I headed to Pat's annual Christmas gathering. It was my first year attending, but it was quite the impressive suaré. He only invite about half as many people this year, but it was still around 80 invites. They had more food than anyone could collectively polish off and plenty of refreshments in the liquids department. I was the only person there sans entourage... no wife, no girlfriend, no kids, etc. Everyone was in terrific holiday spirit and it was just a sickeningly perfect holiday event. They even had decorations and light that would make the Griswolds jealous that danced with the music. Meh. I stayed as long as I could take it and moved on to another holiday party about 2 miles up the road. Miranda's office party was equally out in BFE and it was no problem at all to hop over there before I went home. They were playing that Christmas game were everyone brings an anonymous gift and picks a number. When the time comes, the number 1 person may select any gift out of the pile. Number two may either take number 1's selection or select another from the pile and so on... ie. number 13 person has the 12 previous gifts to poach from or may select a new one. Rinse and repeat until they are all gone and then number 1 (since they had no chance to poach) may trade for any he or she wants one final time. I ended up with a small stocking filled with coal. Fitting, isn't it? Shortly after the game, Miranda received a phone call informing her that one of her friends, presumably enroute to the party, was driving on a nearby highway in a brand new car (purchased earlier yesterday) when a young girl pulls out of a fast food parking lot without looking into their path. Brakes were applied without effect and wreckage ensued. They had to saw the top of the car off to life-flight the girl away (I do not know if she lived or not), but the party-goers were in better shape, but still needed a ride to the hospital. She left to take care of that and it was time for me to head home anyway. This was around 10 or so last night. I received a text on my phone around 8:15 this morning from her saying she just got home from the hospital. Wow. I reluctantly got up early for church today with a scratchy throat and feeling ill. My church is moving into a building of their own and today is/was the first service in the new building. I didn't want to miss it. I dressed up spiffier than I usually do for church and got on the road. I stopped for a latte on the way and was feeling overly depressed about the whole evolution, but ventured forward anyway. This small, family-style congregation that has, since I've known them, been more about worshiping God together, friendly fellowship, and unpretentiousness than organized Churchdom. When I pulled into the new lot, there was a gentleman directing traffic and instructing people on not just where, but how to park. I was instructed. Twice. I went in giving hugs and smiles through the pain of knowing and sat down... looking forward the first sermon in the new digs. My pastor is a pretty cool fella... interesting and very easy on the ears. I was approached by another gentleman informing me that no food or drink was allowed in the sanctuary and I needed to take my coffee to the kitchen. I did without question and finished my latte there while the service started at the other end of the building. My mind was just pouring over memories and I was feeling worse, but I was going to get through it. No doubt. I walked into the main area and selected a small row of seats in the back... one for me, one for her. I was quickly approached by another lady asking me if I'd move to the front. I replied that I'd rather sit here (with my wife) to which she informed me that they needed the back row for ushers... the back row of 20 or 30 seats that were empty save mine that is... /sigh. I politely smiled and got up as if to move, but left. One of the very aspects of Churchdom that I dislike was rearing it's ugly head in my little, safe congregation. I went to Target and impulse shopped. I went in for a package of Diet Coke and $250 later, I had Diet Coke and a whole bunch of crap I didn't need. Oh well, it happens. I'm home and it's raining. I don't mind rain. I don't mind cold. I mind rain and cold together. Yuck. Henry is enjoying the new toys I bought on my little spree and I'm about to go start a fire in the fireplace for the pets. They like to roast on the brick in front of the screen. I am poised and ready to do absolutely nothing today. I hope it is as fabulous as I imagine it can be.
