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"Faith is not belief. Belief is passive. Faith is active." Lupe Torilla three pepper cheese steak for dinner last night really was the best part of my day. That's the little dish where they take their lime marinated fajitas and slice fresh jalapeño, serrano, and habernero over the top then cover it with melted monterrey jack cheese. Es preety spicy, Gringo. I love it. I found out today that my mother and grandmother are coming to visit me this weekend. I'm really looking forward to having company at the house. It's so empty. I have a Christening to go to on Saturday night for another set of baby-maker friends we all seem to get around this age (or sooner). Every time I am around my friend's kids, I think about what mine and Erin's children would be like... what they would grow up to be... what sort of father I would have been. This particular couple is from India and I've not seen them in a couple of years. One of the first dinner dates Erin and I ever went on was with them in Colorado. My heart has been heavy all morning. Each day has it's ups and downs. This is a down.

I've really been busy at the business of not being busy. The highlight of my weekend (other than discovering a wonderful and quite inexpensive bottle of vino) was attending the Houston Motorsports Park on Saturday night. Ted's nephew was racing in the main event of the night... the late-model and super-late model stocks. I don't know enough technically about racing to say for sure if they were stock cars, but they were the fastest class of the evening. I felt a little bad about all those years of NASCAR jokes when I was actually in the infield, a few feet from the track, as these 400+ horsepower big block monsters screamed by at extreme speed. Very cool. Carl is a rookie this year, but he's won the nationals in other classes of racing. This was a step up toward the big time and he drove a flawless race. For just an instant, I realized that for a few grand, I could climb into the junker class and flirt with slamming into the wall just like these guys and with nothing to lose, I might actually be competitive. It seems no fear is a huge advantage in these races. That thought passed quickly after a few wrecks and spinouts. Riding the V-Max is more than enough risk in the motorized vehicle genre. I met friends for Perry's Champagne brunch on Sunday, but cheated by starting with the real breakfast of champions... the spicy hot bloody mary. I ordered the Creole Benedict per usual (toasted English muffin topped with filet mignon, poached eggs and spicy tasso gravy served with rosemary roasted potatoes) and even got the same waiter I've coincidentally been assigned every time I've been recently... even back when Erin and I used to go. Either he works a lot or we should be singing the Disney tune holding hands. I slept a lot this weekend. I napped for many hours Saturday and Sunday. I went to bed early and slept late. Maybe it's depression or maybe I just need to catch up and get my life on track. Either way, it was nice... almost as nice as this cold weather we're enjoying. Perfect temps in the 50's and 60's with bright sunshine and low humidity were long overdue. I finally went to the market on Sunday. I had these grand plans to fill my cart with ingredients but ended up with mostly products. Such is life. Well, mine anyway. I'm off for a bite at lunch and then it's back to work. Have a good day. ps. I found out that when YouTube does the video conversion on upload, the frame in the dead center (time) is used as the splashframe... hence the dit-dee-dee shot. Live and learn.

I woke up around 3 this morning to the terrifying sound of Henry reverse sneezing in the middle of the kitchen floor. Medically, it is a condition where the c-shaped rings that maintain the form of the trachea are stressed thus making air passage to the lungs difficult. Many small breeds of dogs are susceptible to this as adolescents and throughout life if exerted or overly excited. I'm not sure what he was doing in the middle of the night to get him so worked up, but my guess was him trying to put some nasty moves on Éclair. He's a horny little guy sometimes... ah, but then again, aren't we all? It usually only takes a moment to correct the condition by blocking air to the nostrils to force a swallow. This reshapes the trachea immediately and restores airflow. I picked him up and took him out back for some fresh air before we went back to bed for the night. Today's workday was a blur and I'm glad it's over given my working longer hours than normal this week. I'm going to make myself a cocktail and relax. I hope everyone has a great weekend. I'll be spending mine alone.

I am the family face;
Flesh perishes, I live on,
Projecting trait and trace
Through time to times anon,
And leaping from place to place
Over oblivion.

The years-heired feature that can
In curve and voice and eye
Despise the human span
Of durance -- that is I;
The eternal thing in man,
That heeds no call to die
- T. Hardy

I spent my morning at the Human Genome Sequencing Center down at the Texas Medical Center. A genome is the entire DNA in an organism, including its genes. Genes carry information for making all the proteins required for all organisms. These proteins will determine how an organism looks, how it might fight infection or diseases, and possibly its behavior. DNA is made up of four similar chemicals called bases and are abbreviated A (adenine), T (thymine), C (cytosine), and G (guanine). These bases are repeated many times throughout a genome. The order of these bases will dictate whether an organism is a human or another species, such as an octopus or guinea pig. The HGSC here in Houston is responsible for over 10% of the total Human Genome calculation worldwide, but more recently has been working on other species projects. Genomes vary widely in size. The smallest known genome for a free-living organism (a bacterium) contains about 600,000 DNA base pairs, while human and mouse genomes have some 3 billion. Except for mature red blood cells, all human cells contain a complete genome. DNA in the human genome is arranged into 24 distinct chromosomes--physically separate molecules that range in length from about 50 million to 250 million base pairs. A few types of major chromosomal abnormalities, including missing or extra copies or gross breaks and rejoinings (translocations), can be detected by microscopic examination. Most changes in DNA, however, are more subtle and require a closer analysis of the DNA molecule to find perhaps single-base differences. Each chromosome contains many genes, the basic physical and functional units of heredity. Genes are specific sequences of bases that encode instructions on how to make proteins. Genes comprise only about 2% of the human genome; the remainder consists of noncoding regions, whose functions may include providing chromosomal structural integrity and regulating where, when, and in what quantity proteins are made. The human genome is estimated to contain 20,000-25,000 genes. Although genes get a lot of attention, it’s the proteins that perform most life functions and even make up the majority of cellular structures. Proteins are large, complex molecules made up of smaller subunits called amino acids. Chemical properties that distinguish the 20 different amino acids cause the protein chains to fold up into specific three-dimensional structures that define their particular functions in the cell. The constellation of all proteins in a cell is called its proteome. Unlike the relatively unchanging genome, the dynamic proteome changes from minute to minute in response to tens of thousands of intra- and extracellular environmental signals. A protein’s chemistry and behavior are specified by the gene sequence and by the number and identities of other proteins made in the same cell at the same time and with which it associates and reacts. Studies to explore protein structure and activities, known as proteomics, will be the focus of much research for decades to come and will help elucidate the molecular basis of health and disease. Which just proves, in my humble opinion, that God has the best technology.

"hey hey hey hey, alley's the roughest place I've ever been all the people down there, livin' for their whisky, wine, and gin"

"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down." - Mitch Hedberg I worked until after 7:00 last night in the office. Leaving the building, my bike was the only vehicle left in the lot. I wasn't feeling tip top, but met Ted for dinner before heading home for much needed sleep. I woke up with intermittent nausea and dizziness around four this morning. I went back to bed for a couple of hours before finally dragging myself out. I still am feeling ill. I have to go to the office to finish the RFP, but then I'm going home. I would just work from home to begin with, but I foolishly left my laptop (with all my progress on the project) on my desk since I got out of there late.

I wrote a letter to my dad. I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so I crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away. - Mitch Hedberg

First off, in case you haven't heard, Firefox v2.0 is available. My head is throbbing. I drove home at lunch to let the dogs out, trim my hummingbird bush (no, that is not a sexual reference), and decompress a little. I still need to do the front yard (especially the Chinese Witchhazel), but this one was beginning to suffer under it's own weight and the high winds and excessive rains didn't help. The rainfall total for the last 24 hours tallied 13 inches for Montgomery county. I live in the northern portion of Harris county and thus a smidgypoo from the bucketfall. After the rushed trim job, I decided to embrace the brief sunshine and head back to work on the bike. I had trouble finding the key, but eventually set out to see how much post-storm debris I could catch in my teeth on the short commute back to work. I've been staring at a screen all day that is supposed to be filled with my busy little thoughts, but I can't seem to focus. Despite my efforts, I've not made appreciable progress. I feel like scrapping the day and starting anew tomorrow, but there is no guarantee that Groundhog Day won't occur. It looks like I'll be working a little late tonight.

when i'm away
to be in the shade
the oldest trees above my head
when i'm away, i know in my heart
there is a heaven

delicate

I'm fairly convinced that most people in my life don't get me. Getting out of bed was difficult as I was pinned down by the immeasurable weight of Yorkie snuggles. Everyone has had those days where the desire to slink away and not work is directly proportional to the amount of work to be done. Procrastination. I have a few impending deadlines and the hours are becoming short. I suppose one of the reasons I've not written much here is my not having much to say. Everything since Mexico has been a blur. My few days back in Houston between then and last weekend were quiet and lonely with my pets still at the coast. The house was so empty. Having them back is wonderful. I haven't been eating well. Slowly, my pantry and refrigerator are becoming cavernous and even the substitution of liquids for solids is slowing in pace as I've depleted almost every consumable substance in the house. I don't know why it is so difficult to convince myself to drive to the market. I just don't do it. I certainly have ample time. I think perhaps it is due to not wanting to buy more perishables than I would use before expiration or maybe I just don't want to think about having to shop for just me. It's so depressing. Oh yeah, so back to the update... this last weekend was nice, but just passed so quickly it was almost non-existent. My mother and step-father hosted a nice dinner at their home for Rob, Tammy, Beth, and I on Saturday evening. We sat around and told stories, jokes, etc. and enjoyed an informal evening. It rained often and the weather made it easy to want to sleep. I attribute my unusual tiredness to the weather. My grandmother's post-op treatment is going well and she remains in good spirits. The drive returning to Houston on Sunday came all too quickly, but there is a subtle comfort in feeling embraced by the walls of your own home after being away. The torrential downpours plaguing the south central and Gulf coast of Texas were nowhere near finished with the Houston metro. I had tree limbs down in my semi-flooded yard when I left for work on Monday and a coworker reported 10 inches of rain at his residence between midnight and lunch. The sun is out today however, and nature is trying its best to dry out a bit. I didn't take any photos worth sharing this weekend. I've been in a creative rut of sorts. Regardless, the RealLife™ procrastination remains strong.

3 liters of mother's milk

I forgot to mention the 750's of Crown for 12 bucks in Mexico or the 3 liter bottle for $51.00. Danger, Will Robinson! I only slept for a couple of hours total, but I feel a lot better this morning. I'm looking forward to starting my weekend, seeing my pups and Beth, and dinner at my mom's. I can't make any promises, but I'm going to take the camera. I need coffee.

"i hide myself within my flower, that wearing on your breast, you, unsuspecting, wear me too — and angels know the rest." - emily dickinson I can't sleep. I had a nice evening despite a troublesome day. I had to put my auto in the shop for regular maintenance alleged to be in the neighborhood of $560.00. They gave me a loaner to use for the day to get to and from the various meetings I had scheduled that could not be avoided. When I arrived to collect my transpo from the dealer, they had tacked an addition $100 or so onto the bill without notifying me. After some inquisitive behavior on my part, we discovered that they made a mistake in spec'ing the parts initially and ended up comping me the parts and labor for that portion. It turned out better than I expected. Sam and I went to dinner since I was back in Houston and Beth and I couldn't celebrate "Champagne Thursday" on the Intercoastal. We had margaritas and yummimex at El Rancho a.k.a. Ted's MILFhouse. It was packed and the food was tasty per usual. I tried to sleep, but my emo swings prevented natural rest. Such sadness. I've had more nightmares recently than I care to remember. Little triggers and trying to get my head around the unfairness of it all just leave me weary. I would very much like to take a vacation, have a chat with God, and find out what I'm supposed to do with what I have left before there isn't anything left with which to do. I would like to rest because I know tomorrow will come early and I have a big meeting downtown. I have an RFP deadline I'm up against and a long drive to the Corpus Christi area. The weekend can't come fast enough. "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it..."

"I make special price today just for you... special price. Almost free!" This video is great. So yeah, I'm still around. My week in California was uneventful. I worked a lot and didn't take any time to see the local sights or try new places or things. I was generally unhappy and homesick. What is home these days really? I miss my pets a lot. My mother and sister were gracious enough to watch my four little companions while I was out west. I could go into the long story about all the problems I had flying American Airlines instead of my usual (Continental), but it would just make me tired. In short, don't fly American. When I arrived back in Texas on Friday night, they had not checked my luggage all the way through to my destination. It was really just par for the course at that point. Saturday morning, my mom, Bob, Beth, and I headed to Mexico for 24 hours of binge shopping and tequila consumption.

crossing the border into Mexico

We elected to stay across the border and found a nice little hotel that I'm sure I'll visit again. Everyone was so nice and hospitable. I was more interested in the small craft items, food, and drink than the touristy/trinkety stuff. One of the objectives for the trip was to find large kiln fired pottery to which Beth could transplant her palms.

my mom and stepdad getting their shop on

We wandered the streets of Nuevo Progreso with margaritas in hand after lunch at Mom and Bob's favorite city-overlook restaurant. The entire inside was one large mural. The windows overlooked the mercado in all directions. Almost every place in town that served food or beverage, also had live music. Our little picturesque rendezvous was no exception.

happy hour almost never ends

By the time the sun was setting, we were all direct contributors to Mexico's gross national product with thank you cards and letters pouring in from the leading tequila manufacturers across the country. At one point we even hallucinated that dogs were on rooftops and such! The taco bell Chihuahua was there with his "yo quiero" charm ringing through the streets.

woof!

Overall the trip was great fun and was a nice contrast to my uneventful previous week. I was off Monday for Columbus Day. It's one of those holiday's that sometimes falls into the corporate rotation, but not every year. This year was the bingo. Rob and his Buell happened to have Monday off as well, so I rented a Harley-Davidson V-Rod for the day so we could putt around the Corpus Christi Bay area. We spent the day working on sunburns at high speed as we worked around the bay to Padre Island via the ferry route to Mustang Island.

beth

My long weekend was over before I knew it and it was time to go back to work... back to Houston. I've left out a million little things, but I'm weary and the thought of typing it all is a little overwhelming without a nap. It felt good to be at my house again and even with all the lingering hurt, it felt like I was at home after a long journey. Traveling with work isn't all it's cracked up to be anymore. I didn't take a single photo all week long. If it weren't for Beth bringing her camera, I wouldn't have had any photos to share from the Mexican excursion. After I get caught up on my rest, I may venture out to make a frame or two to post this week. Maybe.

Clayton is not doing well. I've been in California all week... in the bosom of allegedly sunny Santa Clara. I'm still here in a literal capacity, but I just don't feel here. This valley of quirky eccentricity where highways are built out of silicon and the lanes are measured in microns is probably the closest thing my generation has to the wild, wild west. The gunslingers and maverick cowboys sport unkempt, often long hair and plushy physiques to protect their minds sharp enough to cut diamonds in a soft outer shell. Coffee is as abundant as water in the ocean and everyone has a story to tell. You can never tell if the person next to you in worn jeans and a t-shirt is a panhandler or a innovative hundreds-of-millionaire that designed the doomahicky that you and your broadband complacent lifestyle can't live without. In the midst of forward looking innovation and true geekdom in it's most exciting form, I feel empty and lost. My career that I once loved has been deduced to motions that I go through during the day so periodically I'll receive tiny ducats I can spend on things like food when I'm able to eat and reality numbing alcohol. I cry a lot and frequently it is without provocation. All the things I tried to achieve, who I am and tried to be, my experience and personality... all have become meaningless to me. I look around at people living life and making a difference and I am not that person anymore. I was happy and breathed in life. Now, I can barely breath at all and am good for nothing and to no one... most especially myself. I simply exist.

Occasionally the depth of emotion we experience transcends our capacity as human beings to receive. We exist on faith and principle... praying for some deliverance into peace. There is a pain within me that never rests.

so far away