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I took a handful of snaps after I got off the bus this afternoon to familiarize myself with the control input. Almost all of them were trashed. It seems that I get caught up in what I'm framing and lose sight of the attention to detail required in driving the camera. It is definitely going to take some time. If it isn't a focus issue, it's an exposure issue. Arg! Practice is what I need... practice.

100mm 1/125sec f5.6 ISO400

First, let me say that Sam is a squeamish little punk. Spiders are so cool. I wouldn't want one as a pet, but they are of a fascinating biological architecture. I mean, look at the guys head... all alien looking and shit... really neat. Anyway, I tucked it inside the "more" for you Sammy boy, so get over it. I hope you don't see any spiders when we hit the bike trails this weekend. Heh.

So, AT&T had a issue with one of their area routers in Dallas this morning that caused an Internet outage at the corporate headquarters of my employer in Houston. There was nothing to do but wait. It's like you watching someone get shot in Liberia on CNN and your boss saying, "why didn't you save him? what are you going to do to save his live?"... that's great. I love it. I love it like sticking a red hot branding iron straight into my ass. I love it like chewing broken glass and rinsing with original recipe Listerine. I love it like laying still on a summer's day while ants slowly eat away at my body until I fester and die in the boiling sun. You know, there are signs from time to time that lend clues toward who should procreate and who should not. Those that should not are rewarded in some karmic way by being promoted through the corporate ladder... maybe. Maybe I'm just generalizing. I think so. I take it all back. I'm going to traipse in the flowers and spread good will toward man the rest of the day.

My stomach is killing me. Still. Yesterday afternoon I started getting these terrible stomach pains. It sucks. Maybe an alien baby is growing inside me and will pop out at lunch when I lunge up on top of the table and start flailing about... knocking shit off the edges and screaming at the top of my lungs? That would rock. Well, not the alien eating through my stomach part, but the look on everyone's faces during the table episode. I bet it would be a lot like the pastor droppin' the mic to his posterior and ripping a huge, echoing fart in church. Music to the congregation's ears. I have this sudden urge to rant about my distaste for modern organized religion, but I'll refrain.

Yeah, so EL provided me with the most bodacious birthday gift. All things considered, it wasn't the most practical birthday gift, but certainly one that will bring me great joy for years to come. Michael and I have been talking a lot about putting together portfolios for the upcoming Fotofest. After months of shooting literally thousands of photographs, I realized that this was becoming more than just a hobby and I needed some more room to grow. Last night, I was presented with a magnificent work of art and triumphant representation of the advances in modern technology. I received a EF 100mm f2.8 Macro USM and a unbelievably pimp 10D body to place it on. I could go on and on about the camera, but the camera itself isn't what impressed me the most. Don't get me wrong, it is fabulous, but the lens is utterly amazing. That lens is truly a work of art. I'm serious.

So, now... format for Fotofest? That's what I'm kicking around. I'd love to hear your thoughts...

It is all about the glass:

100mm 1/60sec f4.0 ISO400

This little guy was on the outside wall of the house just as it was getting dark. I have a lot to learn for sure, but I can't wait to do some experimentation during the day.

Can you say learning curve?

Damn!

"These girls had a choice," said Dominique. "And she chose to say yes."

If this doesn't get a Darwin Award, I'll be sadly disappointed.

Oh how I nice this would be.

I don't know why this shit (no pun intended) makes me think of Sam. The WORK POOP is inevitable.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

I'm a big believer in public transportation. When I was growing up, I wasn't exposed to mass transit systems. My home town was populated by less than 5000 and the prefix "metro" was simply not used to add clarification to any geography associated with our "city". Years later, far away from that one stoplight town, I found myself on holiday in the Latin Quarter of Paris with no car. Getting from my hotel off San Michel, just across the Seine from Notre Dame, to Le Defense? No problem. The mass transit system in Paris is the finest I've ever seen. Between subways, metrorail, and train, it works better than you'd imagine. Not unlike the foundation idea behind New York and our capitol District, it is well thought and implemented. I am not going to rant about my disapproval of the Houston METRO's bastard rail project between the Reliant Stadium area and downtown. I think it's obvious that this project is misguided. I was just reflecting on transit because I took the commuter bus this morning from Spring to downtown Houston and it was utterly fabulous. The parking lot at the station was spacious, accommodating, and well laid out. The bus was of the large, cross country variety with high backed seating offering a slight angle of recline. The upholstery and climate systems were comforting and the ride was smooth and fast via the HOV... and believe me, I am all for contributing to the solution to Houston's smog problem. I think we are number two in the nation in poor air quality... just behind Los Angeles.

I think EL is starting to stress the wedding a little bit. I don't mean like cold feet or anything... just that it's getting so close and we have a lot to do yet. I try to compartmentalize the tasks into manageable buckets. The food and the cake are lingering headaches that are worrisome. The best part of the whole deal is that it's going to be very, very small. We, mostly do to cost constraints associated with the venue, didn't invite many people at all. So, it will be more like a small gathering of friends than a "wedding". That's comforting. I don't care for big weddings with the fairy tale whoop-ti-doo. It's one of the reasons I think doing wedding photography would turn my stomach. Our wedding is more reality TV than The Princess Bride... but (hopefully) in a very good way. I'm requesting that all men that attend wear Hawaiian shirts... just in case you fall into that category and I forget to tell you. Oh yeah, there will be lots of drinking at our wedding... lots... so, if you are a marginal swimmer and can't hold your liquor, please bring a set of floaties. It is on a boat, you know.

If there is a caffeine level in your system that is considered overdose, I came close to reaching it yesterday. I was seriously wigged. EL made me go to bed a little earlier and other than a brief stint of tossing and turning, I slept fairly well. I feel much better today. I think I'm still caffeine dependant, but hopefully my dose will be a little more manageable this morning.

Snoogens.

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...funny how even after about a hundred of these emails a day, I *still* have not seen this on CNN or ABC. Maybe I'm watching at the wrong time? Between this and pleas to purchase generic and/or herbal Viagra, and teen midget farm girls that are a littlle too close to the animals, who needs health checks on a mail server?

Fuck SPAM.

The rate of decay of western civilization is directly proportional to the number of non-dairy creamers flooding the market. I'm freakin' tired. "I'm more tired than a shemale street walker in San Francisco's Tenderloin on a Saturday night. I'm more tired than a narcoleptic on nytol after a large meal. I'm more tired than a dead cat trying to crawl home using only its teeth. I'm more tired than a Nigerian drug dealer. I'm more tired than a 9 year old little boy after working 16 hours in a Malaysian sweat shop. I'm more tired than a spring loaded twinky on a plane to Switzerland that's had been delayed in New York for fifteen minutes after a baby squirrel was found in an intake by a disgruntled employee who was kinda pissed because nobody remembered it was his birthday even though he told a bunch of people about it's impending arrival a week ago just so he could avoid this situation and have a happy time and maybe meet some good looking young women who like the type of guy who wears driving gloves and glues sparkles onto his socks with imitation glue because the name-brand stuff is just a little too expensive for him to afford. I'm more tired than a bukkake victim." Google rocks. Oh, and yes, I am more tired that a one legged man at an ass kicking contest. I spent some time in Houston Camera Exchange the other day discussing lenses and more specifically the mark up on lenses. I am going to try to not let this turn into the rant it deserves to be, but stated simply, the guys that I've encountered at the Houston Camera Exchange have all been pompous, opinionated, elitist cunts. Three separate fellows on three separate trips. They were employees worthy of termination. Don't get me wrong, the store is pimp. It's large and well stocked. They have quite a nice selection of used equipment (mostly lenses, but a few bodies) and accessories. I really like browsing through there... periodically wiping the drool and spittle from my lip. The employees are just cocks... in my experience anyway. One thing I did notice too is that their lenses are crazy expensive... one of the more pricey shops in town. I was looking at a 100mm macro and was completely shocked to find Houston Camera Exchange's price to be $100 more than every other retail competitor in town. When I inquired, I received the holier-than-thou snoot that most of the useless fucks have that work there. Let me tell you, by comparison, the Camera Co-op on Shepard is a million times better. When you go in there, the employees are excited about photography and they treat you like a friend they want to help and share their passion of photography with rather than some nuisance that is cutting into their ego masturbation time. Of course, it could just be me. I do my homework. I politely ask very directed questions and don't accept sales bullshit as a valid answer. If you don't know, simply tell me that you don't know. Anyhoo, I just find it a complete shame that the most feature rich of all the camera stores in the metro area is populated by unpleasant employees with an invisible chip on their shoulder. It's sad. I need more coffee.

Going to work early sux0r.

pbase is pretty cool.

I found out today that I'm being audited... sorta. It's a long story, but the skinny goes something like this: I left old employer for new employer a couple years ago and old employer fucked up some of my tax papers such that it set me up to file an amended return when said papers were un-fucked however, the bloodsucking leeches at the IRS penalized the hell out of me... twice... immediately upon previously mentioned fuck up of ex-employer and started the vic, so the juice has been running for a year and I get a bill for just under three grand from uncle fuckin' sam this afternoon. Unscrupulous pigfuckers. I hate taxes. No, I feel I should correct that statement... I hate our tax system. Paying taxes isn't the issue. It's this fucked up scaled system of checks and balances where we let the government hold our money while they decided how much they're to keep and the laws are written to protect the undeserving and rape the incapable. I say yes to a flat tax. No details. No loopholes. No paperwork. No returns. Uncle Sam gets X% of your income. Period. If you make zero income, you don't pay taxes. If you make $100.23 a year, that bitch government of ours gets X% of $100.23. If you make $5 million a year, they get X% of $5 million. You don't get it back... you don't file a return... you don't get charged more than X% and you don't get charged less than X%... ever. EVER! What's fucking wrong with that? I think it would work great if the rich would stop whining about how they are treated unfairly and the poor would stop wanting something for nothing. What the fuck happened to the spirit of this country. Greedy bastards... all of us.

Even though my birthday isn't until the 13th, Erin Lynn bought me my birthday present. I'm speechless. Really. Yes, it's camera schwag. She's quite amazing.

Speaking of camera schwag... I don't have anything to put it on yet, but this lens makes my mouth water. Bajeezus! I could photograph the pores on a fleas balls with that in my repertoire... umm... if fleas had balls I mean. Err.. whatever. You get the idea.

Goodnight!

If there are any of you out there my age that have, like me, seen almost every cheesy 80's movie every made... you'll love this.
Thanks Jason for the link... nothing like remembering all those confusingly similar likable-loser-overcomes-adversity-and-gets-the-girl flicks from the 80's just one more time.

Sitting at my pre-fab, office-furnishing-gone-awry, sectional-in-attempted-functionality, neutral colored desk... jazz playing on my PC just loud enough to irritate coworkers over the three-quarter height cube walls... just cold enough to fall into the uncomfortable category with no way to control the inappropriately defined zoned climate system... breathing air thick with disgust and the smell of low moral... people watching carpet patterns as they walk with hands that, if not full of ridiculous and rainforest depreciating reports to counterproductive management, would be filled with long wooden spoons to stir the cyanide Kool-Aid with which they could put an end to pain... yes, it is Monday.

So, EL and I went to the Pirates movie yesterday. It wasn't bad. My favorite part was where EL kung-fu'd a couple of inconsiderate fucks behind us that kept talking through the film. Now that was entertainment. I long drive to League City after the film and dinner with Mike and his sister directly followed. Mike is selling his house in the middle of a unexpected divorce and we are helping him get rid of some furnishings... more specifically, his dining room set. I just need to figure out how to safely move it the 834 miles from his south side home to my north side home. It's like solving a Rubik's Cube.

The wedding draws near and the pressure is on. I keep feeling like we are going to forget something. I hate how expensive weddings are... even cheap weddings. Ugh. This is really a pain in the arse. I am so thankful that EL is on top of it all because I would not be able to put it all together alone. She's a supastar!

pee ess... Michael's back. Go say hi.

Okay. I know that this has happened scores of times since I started this blog thing, but I meant to mention something after yesterday's photo outing and simply forgot. Two more bullets to the list:
6. I am really beginning to hate the way mid-day sun lights photos. I simply do not like the light. Yuck.
7. There is no worse feeling for a photographer than to be presented with that shot that is so fuckin' money it would make your week and then *poof* miss it. My to favorite subjects right now are Dragonflies and Robber Flies. They are both difficult to locate and capture in the spots I've been. I watched a robber fly capture a bee harvesting pollen, kill it, and land on some picturesque background floral to feed. It would have been a fabulous shot. I almost had it. the light was right, the angle was perfect, the subject matter was fantastic... insect behavior photography is something I especially dig. I didn't get it. That is a terrible, terrible feeling.
That's it. I just wanted to add that to the post from yesterday. I think we're going to the movies instead of taking a nap. Ugh. I'm sleepy.